I need some input (sorry this is long)

[pop goes the weasel]

How do you know when someone needs medical attention or is just acting out? I have a 15 year old sd that is getting worse and worse as the days go by. Won't listen, do her chores, mouthy, actually lives in the past, trashes everything she gets and can get physical with just me. All the anger is directed at me. I am not trying to be her mother or her best friend. All i ask is respect and to do what she is told. Her chores are very few. This has been getting worse since last summer when we found out she was doing things she shouldn't have been doing when she visited her Grandparents. When she came here I wanted go to counseling to ease the change. (she was with her mother in a drug and alcohol abuse enviroment and possibly maybe more that we don't know of) Neither her dad or her would go. I am at the end of my rope. It's affecting my health and dh and I had the first fight we've had in 5 years this morning. I have noinsurance but sd and dh do. I want to take her to the dr to rule out medial problems but she says she won't go. Her dad says she has no say in it. I can't live like this anymore. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Please don't bash me. I am trying but it's one sided. she's been here for almost 5 years and everything was fine til last summer. Am I wrong for not letting her dress like a street walker just because her mother let her or let her get into trouble and not do anything about it? I know kids will be kids but this is too much.

[Englishlady]

I am sorry I don't have any answers to your problem but I am sending loving vibes your way and hope you get some sort of comfortable resoloution to your problem soon. ((((hugs))))

[daughter of pearl]

I worked as a Youth Counselor for 10 years, and she needs counselling. Don't get me wrong: 15 year olds act out no matter who is parenting them, but the situation you've described and some of the things she might have been exposed to with her mom increase her risk, and 15 is when things start to show up. She may not need more than 3 or 4 sessions, but it would be a good idea to have someone work with her to understand her feelings and resulting behaviours.

Having said all that, it is not your job to take all of the responsibility for fixing a dynamic that exists between all three of you. You willingness to work on this is great, but in the absence of the same commitment from your sd and your dh, you can't really change the situaion.

So change yourself,and how you respond.

Take a step back. Tell your hubby that you need him to parent her, because the dynamic between you makes it impossible for you to do so in a healthy manner.

I am VERY concerned that she gets physical with you. Nothing is more important than your safety; if you feel unsafe, you need to deal with that immediately.

You are coming from a very caring, but emotionally exhausted place but it sounds like you care and are trying to instill good values in our sd.

Good luck! Feel free to pm me if you want to chat more.

[pop goes the weasel]

Thank you. When I ask for her to do something I ask, then have to ask again and then I start getting upset. so Ihave taken over her chores and lettingher dad handle that part. I have the time but that'snot thepoint. How can you learn responsiblity if you can't even vacum the floor without breaking three sweepers? I have talked to her dad and he has tried to a point. Talking, taking priveleges (sp) but he is afraid to push it for fear of her turning him into childrens services. I have no idea why he thinks he'll get into trouble as long as he doesn't beat on her. I would never let that happen.And he wouldn't anyway. The courts say she is to have no contact with her mother but she thinks even after everything that has happened that her mother is some sort of god. Can't do anything wrong. Her mother right now is sitting in jail doing the second round of a year. She knows that her mother didn't want her to begin with and was going to get an abortion or put her up for adoption. She even went as far as to tell her that if hse ever lived with her dad ,sd would never see her again. She signed off all rights to get out of paying support. All of this and not having food in thehouse so she had nothing for days means nothing. We didn't know about of that until after we brought her here. I am going to call someone today. We live in a rural area so there aren't many options. Thanks again.

[ladykemma2]

counseling now.

[monkeywrangler71]

She needs help and it only gets worse if you let it go. It might not be a direct result of her upbringing, this is the age when many serious mental illnesses start to become apparent.

[lotsadebt]

Sounds like this poor child has been abused in many ways psych as well as physical. Adolesence is hard enough without all that extra baggage aboard. Get her and dad to counseling as soon as possible. Dad has to see that there is alot going on there.

[daughter of pearl]

Poor kid! It sounds like she learned really early on to give loyalty to people who treat her badly. That's a cycle that needs to be broken or she will play it out in all her relationships.

There is a great book called "Get Out of My Life, I Hate You! (But First, Can Cheryl and I Have a Drive to the Mall?)" that is all about parenting teens. It is full of great techniques but also humour.

One day at a time, and if that is too much, take it an hour at a time.

Take care!

[baxjul]

I would tell your husband to step up, and go to counseling. Sorry, but that's just my opinion. Didn't mean to sound so mean. Hugs.

[krbshappy71]

To help yourself, get counseling as well and if there are any in your area I like the Love & Logic parenting classes to help keep the temperature down around the house. Boys Town parenting classes are also very good. They aren't about controlling her, they are about controlling your own responses to force her to control herself. IT WORKS! REALLY! Has turned my life around.

I "forced" my daughters into counseling and they continued to see their individual counselors for months and months after I would have expected them to. I knew they had issues that were too big for me to handle, and too difficult for me to be objective about. I signed us all up for our own counselor and we all got well together. It was a long-haul and worth it. It has been an amazing new lease on life with our new relationship and I wish I had done it years ago.

[2ndGenGranola]

I would get her into a medical doctor asap. Then make sure you tell him/her everything you have told us. Maybe the dr will have some leverage to get her into counseling or even a facility.

Why is DH scared of her calling child services? If she is threatening, I'd call them myself and ask them what they can do for you or guide you to.

[pop goes the weasel]

Baxjul you didn't sound mean. I think I have him convinced to go. She grew up with a step brother that is bi-polar so she has seen alot and knows how to shift blame to others. She has seen her mother deinking and doing drugs and heaven knows what else. He father has been in jail for dui so he thinks if he lays down the law and she tells someone it will come back on him. She has a history of lieing somuch she has no clue where it stops and the truth begins so I understand what he is thinking. Last night I asked her to move so I could start making her dad's lunch, when she wouldn't answer me or move I reached over to get the stuff and she grabbed me and started pushing. I willnot be treated like that by anyone so I pushed back. She left bruses. I told them both the next time I call the cops or cys. This isn't the first time she's doneit. She sneaks food even when she knows all she has to do is ask. Sneaks around and snoops when nobody is around ect. I really appreciate all the help and support. I have nobody to talk to about this so you guys are my only outlet. Thanks so much for being there.

[baxjul]

Hugs. I hope everything works out. What does your husband say when she starts shoving you around? Does he step in?

[daughter of pearl]

If she gets violent, calling children's services or the cops is not the end of the world, and may open doors to her being compelled (like forced, only sounds nicer!) to get the help she needs. Not sure what the rules are in your part of the world.

Have you and your family in my prayers!

[andrew's mom]

You are in my prayers as well. Please get help. You are in for a long haul but it is soooo worth it. I have been through something painful myself and without help I would have gotten nowhere. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. We love you and think of you. Many, many hugs.
M.