30 years but I think I am on my way.

**Rhiamon** · 06-03-2010, 08:24 AM

So I have decided to make some serious changes in my life. I can't weigh myself right now because the scale is broken. (Last time I weighed myself I was 233) But I started walk/running two weeks ago. I can now go for an hour at a time. Sometimes twice a day. (I think I am addicted to how it makes me feel) I am feeling so much better. I can't believe it. Who knew that taking up running could make me feel so good. My goal is to get to 160 so that is a little more than 70 pounds. I also want to run a marathon next summer. It’s funny my husband even says I seem to be in a better mood and am less bitchy. He also said I seem a bit more confidant.

I decided a few weeks back that I was tired of being this way. I had to decided that no one else was in control of my life but me, and if I can't work through the 13 years of sexual/physical/emotional abuse growing up that I am never really going to be there for my daughter, and if she can't see me with good self image how will she ever develop her own. I made my first big step in healing a month ago when I told my worker about it all. And why I first attempted to take my life at 11. It felt good and emotionally draining to finally tell someone. I think that has made me feel like a huge weight was lifted and that now someone knows. And the fact he said he believed me. He the first person to say it to me. My own mother when I told her never said that and in fact sent me right back to one of my abusers. (We stopped talking in Feb that has also made a huge difference in how I feel about myself) I am not saying I am healed or even over it but I think I am finally on my way there.

**daughter of pearl** · 06-03-2010, 08:51 AM

That's the kind of courageous move that makes the world a better place!

I love that you are focused on the feeling and the way it is changing our life. The numbers are a side dish...the real goal is to feel better and live a great life!!

**Libby** · 06-03-2010, 10:41 AM

Congrats on being able to change for YOU first and going through with it.

Keep up the great work with the running!

**IntlMom** · 06-03-2010, 10:51 AM

Life can be so unfair sometimes..... but KUDDOS to you for taking control of your life, instead of letting others control it!

**andrew's mom** · 06-03-2010, 02:09 PM

Rhiamon,
You made me cry.... I love, love, love people like you who take control of their lives. I wish you all the best, all the happiness, love, peace and laughter in the world. Good luck to you and all the best. And don't stop your healing journey. Consider joining a support group. You will be amazed at all the wonderful things that are inside you, just waiting to be discovered. You just scratched the surface. You and your daughter will be so thankful for it.
I will say a prayer for you and I am sending you all my love.
Mea.

**mauimagic** · 06-03-2010, 02:35 PM

Congratulations on your new journey!!...and mahalo for sharing with us - who knows who you might be influencing and supporting by sharing your story!! Looking forward to hearing more - am so excited for your new found love of running!! What a beautiful gift for you - and your DD!!

**Palooka** · 06-03-2010, 10:49 PM

Good for you and taking control of your life. I can only imagine how much stronger you will be!

**Luckybustert** · 06-03-2010, 11:01 PM

Kudos to you for taking charge of your life! I wish you all the best.

**Ali Lee** · 06-04-2010, 01:24 PM

I'm cheering you on ..with all my heart.

**Rhiamon** · 06-04-2010, 08:34 PM

Thank you for all the support. It means the world to me. I saw my worker today; I haven't seen him in two weeks. He said he couldn't believe how good and happy I looked. He said he was amazed to see me in short sleeves because I self harmed almost every day. It has been 2 weeks since I started run/walking and two weeks since I self harmed. I am determined to keep up the momentum. I think if I just remind myself how I felt before and how I feel now, and how I will feel in six months that should help. It will also keep me honest and moving forward to let other people know.
Thank you all.

**Debbie-cat** · 06-04-2010, 09:32 PM

You are well on your way....congratulations! What an awesome role model you are for your daughter. Keep up the great work! Sending hugs!

**Rhiamon** · 06-13-2010, 08:43 PM

So today we had to got to the trift store to find pants for DH for work. With his work he wears them out fast. So just for fun, I decided to try on some jeans because mine are wearing out. Well I am down a size. Not a huge deal I know but it means I am on the right track, and they were only 5 dollars. WOOHOO!!!!!

**Palooka** · 06-13-2010, 10:58 PM

Congrats and on the great find.

**mauimagic** · 06-14-2010, 02:15 PM

Rhiamon - great going on the smaller size new jeans and the great price!! Please stay in touch with us often on this journey - find myself smiling as I am writing this because I am so excited about you and your life!!

**alotofgooddeals** · 06-14-2010, 02:22 PM

it is a big deal...keep up the good work and you are in my thoughts and prayers....your courage is admirable and i will continue to read this post. You are being an awesome role model for your daughter....and this is what i tell my daughter everyday when she gets discouraged or upset....remember you have girl power....and i have woman power and together we can do anything we put our minds to...