Is guilt a health problem?

[MessyKat]

All,

I have a serious problem and would like to see what others think.

I live in TN and my family lives in VA. I am approximately 123 miles from them. I can be home in a few hours drive (2 - 3 hours and have been known to do it in 90 minutes)

About 3 years ago, my Father had a series of strokes and because of that now lives in a nursing home. After he moved into the nursing home my Mother started putting pressure on me to move back to VA.

I never moved becasue I had a good job with excellent health insurance (I have sleep apnea, depression and asthma). Two weeks ago I lost my job.

Right before Christmas I found out that my Mother has lung cancer. She has retired from her job.

Now my whole family is telling me to move back to VA. I was being pressured to do this before I lost my job but now that my job is gone the pressure has increased. Last week my Aunt told me "You have to move back here, that's all there is to it".

I don't want to move back there. I hated it, I have nothing but bad memories from a horrible childhood and a bad marriage. My famiy says I don't have to stay forever, which is true. I am also almost 41 years old, I have horrible credit. If I take a job there for a year, then attempt to move back here when I'm 42- 43 my credit will not be repaired and then I have a job hopping history.

My Mother is able to care for herself, although she is not doing it. She is taking too much pain medication (she has a history of addiction). She doesn't do anything for herself except bathe. Someone has to take her food (she refuses to cook). She will fix a frozen meal in the microwave. When I go to visit, I have to do all of the cleaning, her laundry, write out the checks for her bills (she signs them) and anything else she has on her list. I do not mean to downplay her illness. My Mother is very ill and I know that. This is part of my guilt...

What is your opinion? Let me also ask you this...if you were the one who is sick, and your children did not live in the same town as you, would you want them to move back to be near you?

[ravenmoonmother]

Do you have any other family who could help out?
If you move back will you end up being the one who does everything?
All i can say is that from experiance no matter how much you love some one it can be hard to be that person. You can end up with every one taking it for granted that you are there to do every thing, and see you as selfish for wanting, needing a life of your own.
Please understand i cared for my grandmother who i loved dearly and miss very much, but day to day it was hard, every one expected me to do every thing with out question and any time i took for myself,even just a couple of hours ment i was being selfish and not doing my job.
I can look back now and see all the laughs i had with my grandmother and all of the fun but there were also some very dark times when i just wanted some one else to lift the weight for a while.
I think before you pack up and move back you have to be very sure your strong enough, you said that you have to do every thing for your mother, could you do that day after day? it could be alot harder if you are only a phone call away.
I understand that your mother is very sick but before you care for some one else you have to care for your self, if that means staying where you are or moving back and setting your self limits, you could lose your self in your mothers life.
I hope this makes sense . And i'm afraid as for guilt i still feel that after 12 years, no matter what you do you will always think you could have done more.
BB.

[Darlene]

I'm sorry. The way guilt is a health problem is that it causes stress & anxiety and that is definately not a good thing.
I don't think it's right for adults to insist that you move anywhere. I would not ask my children to move back to be nearer to me, they have their own lives now. I would however hope that they would visit me and do exactly what you are doing. If I needed help I would want them to help me find it but I would not burden my children with day to day care.
You do the best you can and ignore the people who are giving you a hard time. Only you know the reasons why you aren't close to your family(childhood etc.) and you don't have to justify your decisions to anyone but yourself. I wish you well.

[Valerie in WA]

It sounds to me (in my very inexpert HO) that you are seeking boundaries.

You mention a horrible childhood, a mother with an addictive history/tendancies who refuses to do anything for herself. It sounds to me like she has another illness besides the cancer. I would even speculate that during your teen years, you became the 'adult' in the relationship with your mother. Do you feel like your mother manipulates you?

If I've hit the nail on the head, feel free to NOT move back to VA and consider talking to a counselor or trusted clergy about your childhood and relationship with your mother. Even a trusted friend might be able to help you sort things out and establish boundaries.

If I've missed the mark, my apologies. I would still say that a 41 year old woman is free to make her own decisions, without pressure from ANY relatives.

I've just prayed that you know the right thing to do and will feel peace about it.

[littlemotherhaywood]

My mother isn't ill now, but she has an illness or I should say several (mental/addictions, etc.) and it would scare me very much to move near her and be responsible for her care. It sounds like your family expects you to move home to care for her and maybe even take some weight off their shoulders. They too may be burdened by guilt. I can't say one way or another what you should do, but I think as an adult, you have a right to a life of your own. Is your mother really too sick to care for the items she leaves undone? If I were sick I would not want my children to give up the lives they worked for and care for me. I would certainly appreciate a visit here and there and many cards and phone calls, but them upheaving their own lives is that last thing I'd want. I think it's a good suggestion for you to find someone to talk to about all of this. It may help give you some perspective. Good luck.

[Sari]

If I were very sick, yes, I would expect my children to take care of me. Whether that would mean them moving to me, or me moving to them would depend. Our family is like that. We are very close, and I intend to raise my children like that.

That being said, only you know all of the circumstances, and only you knows what's best for you and your mom.

If you are confident about being able to get a job in your present area, why not try to bring your mom to where you are. If you don't want to live with her, which could be understandable, why not get her a small apartment?

If your father is still in the nursing home, I can understand not wanting to move her to where you are. If you decide to move to her area, you could always explain to potential employers why you had to "job-hop." I don't think that would reflect badly on you.

[MessyKat]

It sounds to me (in my very inexpert HO) that you are seeking boundaries.

You mention a horrible childhood, a mother with an addictive history/tendancies who refuses to do anything for herself. It sounds to me like she has another illness besides the cancer. I would even speculate that during your teen years, you became the 'adult' in the relationship with your mother. Do you feel like your mother manipulates you?

If I've hit the nail on the head, feel free to NOT move back to VA and consider talking to a counselor or trusted clergy about your childhood and relationship with your mother. Even a trusted friend might be able to help you sort things out and establish boundaries.

If I've missed the mark, my apologies. I would still say that a 41 year old woman is free to make her own decisions, without pressure from ANY relatives.

I've just prayed that you know the right thing to do and will feel peace about it.

Valerie, you not only hit the nail on the head, you put it in the wall. I became the adult in my family when I was 7. I got myself up and ready for school. I fixed my breakfast (cereal) and my grandfathers breakfast (instant oatmeal) before school. When I got home there was housework to be done.

Both of my parents have addiction problems. Someone had to be some what responsible and I guess that was me. I do have 2 half brothers. One lives nearby and my Mother will not call him for anything. He has been the "black sheep" for a number of years. My other brother can do no wrong, but my Mother doesn't want to bother him, since he has a family and all.

I am single and now unemployed so it seems once again I am being asked to take all of the responsibility. To respond to questions posted by others, yes I would be required to do everything for my household as well as my mothers. The very thought of it drains me. I could not move in with my mother as she does not like my dogs and would not permit them to live in her apartment.

I feel somewhat better after reading the responses. I don't feel quite as selfish as I did before. I am getting ready to leave for VA to spend the weeked with my family. I will talk with my Mother while I am there regarding this issue.

Thank you all for your honest responses, I truly appreciate it.

[AmyBoz]

I echo what's been said here. I believe it would be unhealthy for you to move back.

[Nada.Leona]

I am sorry for your situation. However, I for one don't feel that it is your responsibility to move back and take care of the family burdens. Just because you are unemployed and are "available" doesn't mean you are required to return and take care of them. Furthermore, I hope I don't offend you when I say it this way, but it is not your fault that your mother isn't taking care of herself. If she can and refuses to, that's just counterproductive to any healing process. If she spends her day sitting around and letting the house go to pot around her, when she is able to take care of things, that is simply wallowing in one's own self pity, and I don't feel you should have any feelings of guilt toward that. And your aunt telling you you "have to" move back is just plain rude. I don't mean to make light of your situation and I hope that you are not getting that from me, but I just want to remind you that if you get a terrible, scared feeling just at the thought of going back there, than DON'T GO BACK. It is NOT your responsibility. You are not obligated (that's the world I was trying to think of!) in any way. You can help your family look for a daycare worker to help your mother and father, but it certainly isn't your responsibility to go back and take care of them.

I hope you don't take offense to my post and trust you to do what is right.

[Valerie in WA]

Valerie, you not only hit the nail on the head, you put it in the wall.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

Boundaries are what will save you. Select your boundaries, state them to your family and then keep them. If you don't want to move up there, DON'T. If you don't want to go up every weekend, DON'T. But if you're willing to go up every two weeks or once a month, tell them that and stick with it. If you NEVER want to go up there, DON'T. It's possible to be kind and generous and still take care of yourself. Do what you safely can, and no more.

[canadian gardener]

Coming in late on this, I so ditto Valerie about boundaries, and Darlene is so right, yes yes and yes it is a health issue. Stress can go from being a mental health issue to a physical health issue in a flash.

Be good to yourself first so that you have the strength and resources to give to others.

It's the old oxygen mask in the airline thing. Put yours on FIRST then, and only then can you help your kids or family. If you do the martyr woman thing, everybody loses.

HUGS, big ones, I'll post more later, I got my 89 yr old step gran here and not a lot of time

[ravenmoonmother]

Hi MessyKat, hope you don't mind me asking, how are you, did your weekend go ok.
BB.

[leezza]

Hi,

My opinion for what its worth is: it sounds like they are trying to use you. If there are 2 brothers in the area then they should pitch in too.....it also sounds like folks are thinking don't worry good ole MessyKat will take care of it. If you were treated poorly in the past there is no reason why you should go back there for more. JMHO.....I think you should stay where you can be happy.

Regards,
leezza

[MessyKat]

I want to take a moment to thank all of you for your kind and honest responses. Wednesday night I came to really figure out what is going on. It was one of those ah-ha moments, lightbulb moments whatever you want to call it.

My moment came in this thought..."I don't matter"

That is what I have been taught my whole life. I don't matter. When I was a child and would express an opinion on an issue which was different than the majority I would be told to "shut-up". All of my life I have been given the message that I don't matter.

What my family wants is for me to take care of everything. My mother, while very ill is using her situation for pity and to get what she wants. My mother wants the world without working for it. She never wrote out her budget, she had me do it for her...then she never looked at it again. When she wanted to lose weight and found out I had been writing my own menus, she had me do the same for her. Again she never looked at it. She wants everything done for her so she doesn't have to do the work.

She has told me she will guilt me into doing what she wants. I find this just plain mean. To any of you mothers out there who would do the same to your children (regardless of age), I beg you not to, you will only create resentment. I want absolutely nothing to do with my mother now. I realize I don't matter to her...as long as she gets what she wants.

I will help take care of her because she is my mother and even with all she has done to me I love her and yes most of this is because I feel obligated to do so. I resent her more than anything.

This message may sound cruel and that is not my intent. I am hurt worse than I have ever been in my life. To know you don't matter to your family is the worse feeling in the world.

I beg of all of you to please support your family in any way possible. You do not have to agree with them, or with their choices and you can still support them.

[ravenmoonmother]

I'm sorry it worked out like that for you, although it hurts that its your mother try to remember that some people can only see themselves and theres probably nothing you can do to change her.
Do what you can do, give what you can give and don't be guilted into anything.
BB