Eating Disorders

[marie_squared]

I don't really know how this is going to go over on here but.. here goes.

I am bulimic.
When I was in college it was a serious problem. I'm from Texas but was studying in North Carolina with no family for states and no one I really knew. I lived in a dorm (all women's college) with less than 500 undergrads total.

Money became a serious issue because I kept spending everything I had on food . More and more food all of the time. It was never enough. - My DH knows about my eating disorder and has actually been the reason I've done so much better the past couple of years. I don't go crazy like I used to and spend every cent in the bank on groceries that get eaten that day anymore. I menu-plan for the week on Sunday and am pretty good at sticking to it. We eat together and watch our "shows".. mostly cops and degrassi. He's applying for the California Highway Patrol (CHiPS!!) and so.. well he's from California so of course he wants to move back there.

Everything is much more expensive there! and I gotta say that I love my big beautiful state of Texas so much. But I'd move if he really wanted to.

Anyways, I was wondering if anyone else was affected by an eating disorder..? Or maybe you know of someone who's going through something eating or weight related..

Anorexia and bulimia and EDNOS (eating disorders not otherwise specified) can be very very dangerous and can effect anyone in any neighborhood, of any socioconomic class. Please watch for warning signs and be gentle on your dd's and ds's if theyre a little "healthier". My mother is 4'11 and 100 pounds, which looks fine on someone of her frame, but by the time I was in fourth grade, her clothes were too small for me and weighing more than your mom by the time you're 10 and knowing it can be very rough, especially for girls.

[Neeley]

In junior high and high school I stayed under 100lbs at all times. (I am 5 foot even and have been this height since I as 12). If the scales ever read 100 I freaked out. I would go two weeks at a time and not eat, only drink water. I lived off of Dexatrim diet pills and Exlax if a pound snuck up on me. My waist had to be 18 inches at all times. I wore a size 0 and if it seemed to get snug that was the end of the world. My lowest weight was 86 pounds.
For me it started when(1988) I was a cheerleader in 9th grade (that is still junior high here). I weighed about 120. I had my tonsils out over Thanksgiving and could not eat. When we went back to school after the break I had lost close to 10 pounds. Everyone commented on how good I looked. I got it in my head that less of me was better and I continued to lose. Then my head told me anything above 100 was horrible and I must have just been plain fat and ugly before. Within two weeks, my cheer unform was too big, all of my clothes fell off of me. That was cool with me - I got a new wardrobe. Plus, my boyfriend was a football player, (a lineman so he was a bigger guy) he doted over me and how tiny I was. We were one of "the couples" at our school and I had to look good. Self-confidence was an issue obviously. I stayed under 100 pounds until I got pregnant with DD in 1993. My mom's side of the family is very focused on appearances. My mom is a wonderful person, but she has an obsession with weight. My grandmother has had a couple of facelifts. I have realized over the past few years that I am not at all like that and I do not want my kids to feel the pressure to be perfect like I did. I look at it this way - you either like me or you don't. But if you choose not to like me YOU are the one missing out. I refuse to spend the rest of my life trying to be the perfect size, or have the perfect face of make-up just to check the mail. My husband loves me, so do my parents and kids and that is what is most important. Basically, I now feel better about myself and in control of my life. I no longer feel like I need to fit into a certain mold to be worthy and approval from others is not as crucial as I once thought it was.

[marie_squared]

wow... thank you so much for sharing. i wasnt sure if id get any responses or how this subject would be taken here. your story sounds very very familiar to me. with the way your mind thought about weight and numbers. thank you so much for sharing.

one of my biggest fears is that i would inadvertantly pass this on to my children. it is the scariest thought to think that someone i love would ever have to go through some of the days that ive survived, in front of the mirror and that whole bit. wasted time spent locked up in my mind confused by numbers and false ideas of what beauty is. i refuse to let that happen. once again, thank you so much for sharing.

[fidget]

Firstly, thank you for your welcome

I can honestly say that if I didn't have an eating disorder I wouldn't be in the financial situation I am in now. For the past nine (nearly ten) year, EVERYTHING has revolved around food/weight/diet pills/clothes sizes.

I always thought it would be something I could snap myself out of at any time if I wanted to, and it's taken me this long to realise that this is not the case. I am now finally getting professional help with this and other personality problems and I am hoping that having some stability in that part of my life will blend over to other areas and I'll eventually get to the point where I actually feel happy about life and about myself. I know I have a long, long way to go yet and fighting the negative thoughts is so hard that some days I wonder why I bother.

Whilst my partner and I can't have children, I have always wanted a daughter but I would worry about whether or not she'd "inherit" these negative traits. After an extremely long and overdue conversation with my mother she admitted that she was bulimic before I was born and even when I was little she was always a little "odd" about food (her own words). I do think that it's part of your genetic make up, but I also think that if you've got the love and support around you and the self belief that you can overcome it, put those demons to the back of your mind and live a full life.

[Scattymum]

Thanks for sharing.

Its something I rarely talk about myself and only a very few people who know me know about my past.

I developed Bulimia when I was at university - i would have been about 21
I was in that cycle for about 6 years. I wont say I am cured because to be honest I think its something you can never be *cured* of but I havnt binged or purged in years.

It mainly started because of my mum, she has always been obsessed with her weight and with mine - now I am not saying anything bad about her, i really dont think she has/had any idea how much she hurt me and she never knew - or if she did she never mentioned the bulimia.

Everytime i came home from uni, there was always some comment about my weight, sometimes even before saying hello to me, she would comment about how i looked big in the clothes i was wearing - it all really started then, I got down to a very skinny unheathly weight, then it would ballon, then go back down again.

Even now, a long time later she is still obsessed with my weight, she asks me over the phone how much I weigh -i just tell her I dont weigh myself any more. I bought a dress in the sales for a few occasions this coming year - i loved it and had so much pleasure shopping for her - her first comment when she saw me in it? -* your belly looks big in that - you need to lose weight before you wear it* very hurtful and took all the good out of it.

I am 5ft 1 and weigh 135 - I am not big -I would like to lose a few pounds but nothing drastic.

My daughter said to me a few weeks ago that she was getting fat - she is 7 - i nearly cried, she is skinny and certainly does not need to lose, she really needs to put on - its worrying that society creates a *norm* that very few people fit into but will strive to reach. Hopefully I reasurred my DD not to even think about it again and when she is old enopugh to understyand I will tell her my story and hope that i never ever mention her weight to her myself!

Okay, Im really sorry that that got so long!!!

[Nada.Leona]

wow... thank you so much for sharing. i wasnt sure if id get any responses or how this subject would be taken here.

I have no issues with my diet (other than the traditional extra 15 lbs. that I'd like to get rid of) but I wanted to comment on this quote.

We just did a survey of the age range of the Village -- 20 yrs. to 72 yrs. I figure between the bunch of us, we've been there and done everything there is and lived to tell about it. Don't ever think that you can't talk to us and tell us what is bothering you, because everyone here is extremely respectful and honest. No one is going to make fun or "bitch you out" for your condition, no more than a cancer patient or a recent widow. Everyone on this site works hard to keep it friendly and a pleasure to belong to. So don't worry about anything you post (granted, if you posted something derrogatory or rude yourself, then you're just opening up the doors yourself) because no one is going to be outright mean to you on our site. Trust me, we have some great mods who have a lot of integrity and take care of our Village extremely well.

So be honest and we'll try to help you as best we can.

[FrugalMomof3]

We are here for you in ANY situation, we're not going to "flame" you and I have to admit at times even now I wont eat because I gained a few pounds, I mean I eat but not big portions, only teenie tiny portions because I was fat for over 10 years (atleast I was fat to me!) and I lost 52 lbs and I am so worried that I will gain it back.

The stories above are so inspiring and thanks ladies!

[bumplett]

very well said nader ~ and thank you all for sharing such personal stories with us all, I know that it can't be easy to share this depth of information ~ I don't think there is anyone here that would judge - at least noone that I have had the pleasure of talking with

I worry about my nieces all the time ~ (dh's nieces really, but it's all the same to me) ~ they are 18 & 16 and very self consious about weight - they have large women in their family, and some days they will not eat anything - other days they splurge on twinkies ~ how can you tell when it's a perfectly normal teenage girl moment, or when it's something to worry about??

I'm a worry-wart as it is, so maybe I read too much into their behaviour - but I don't think that any teenage girl should be worried about what size she is -

[emily_hope]

I do not have an eating disorder myself, but I almost lost my DBest Friend who did. About 15 years ago, she lost down to around 80 pounds and had to be hospitalized. She still has struggles with her eating. Thankfully, it is not as severe as it was then. She tries to maintain a certain weight, but tries extremely hard to do it in a healthy way.

[acidcookie]

even now I wont eat because I gained a few pounds, I mean I eat but not big portions, only teenie tiny portions because I was fat for over 10 years (atleast I was fat to me!) and I lost 52 lbs and I am so worried that I will gain it back.

When puberty hit me, so did fat. I grew up through middle school and high school overweight and it wasn't until college when I took to a plan that I lost 60 pounds. I too fear gaining it back now, so I know how you feel. Also, because I had to work for this body, I think I will feel for the rest of my life like I have to work for it. I still can't stop counting calories and still get stressed about feeling gross when I don't work out hard at least every other day.

[Ani]

Marie, you're so brave for starting this topic, thank you so much. I just want to reach out and hug you for all that you're going through. I understand too well what you go through on a daily basis.

I have suffered from acute eating disorders since age 5. I was hospitalized for juvenile anorexia nervosa at that age for the first time, and I lived in a hospital more than I lived at home for the next 5 - 10 years. I spent most of junior high and high school in and out of the hospital as well. I was finally stable just in time to go off to college, and off to college I went...only to crash again and again. Over the last 6 years I've battled both anorexia and bulimia, with weights ranging from 90 lbs - 190 lbs (I'm 5'7"). I say battled because that's what it is...a battle. I always wonder how someone so seemingly "intelligent" as myself could not figure out how to just eat like a freaking normal person. It makes me livid when I think about it. I've been through psychologist after psychologist, and the best that they can come up with is that my eating disorder is a symptom of my extremely rampant OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), and that the best I can hope for is to learn to control the symptom.

My dear hubby is so wonderfully supportive, having suffered from bulimia throughout high school himself. I would not be alive without him, I know that for a fact.

When I became pregnant I was PANICKED that I would not be able to control the behaviors. To my great surprise, I have not participated in a single eating disordered behavior since the day the test read positive. I have been eating "normally" for the first time in my entire life. It is the strangest thing I've ever experienced. I was close to death multiple times in the past, but could not seem to modify my behaviors. Only when someone else's life became dependent on my eating behaviors was I able to modify them. My body has taken so much damage throughout the years that I'm having some trouble gaining the appropriate amount of weight etc, but the baby is healthy and I'm reasonably healthy, and that is all that matters at this moment.

Most days are horrible emotionally, and I have to appease the monster in my head by telling it that I just have to do this for 3 more months, and then I can go back to the "comfort" of starving and psychosis. I am going to do everything in my power not to go back to that...but I don't have much faith in myself. It would be hard for 9 months to break a 19 year cycle.

Anyway, I'm rambling, and I'm sorry for that. I haven't talked openly about this for a very long time, and I hope I haven't offended anyone. It's just so nice to find that others understand the things that I've gone through.

[Scattymum]

Ani, many Hugs to you, to have broken the cycle for a few months means you CAN do it. When I was preg with my first - that was the pushing factor in making me eat normally - I havnt gone back to it even after she was born - it was such a battle in my head and I know how it feels.

[Dancing Lotus]

The only eating disorder I have is over eating and believe me its a struggle.I have been up and down on my weight and right now Im the largest i have ever been, 201
For me just to tell anybody my weight is a big deal.
What im saying is that weither you over eat or under eat the problem all comes from the same place so I highly dought that anybody here would flame you. You didnt have to tell us anything but you did

[Ani]

Ani, many Hugs to you, to have broken the cycle for a few months means you CAN do it. When I was preg with my first - that was the pushing factor in making me eat normally - I havnt gone back to it even after she was born - it was such a battle in my head and I know how it feels.

That is so incredibly encouraging to hear. I really hope that I'm able to stay away from the eating disordered behaviors once my little one is born too. Thanks so much for posting, that gives me a lot of hope.

[marie_squared]

The only eating disorder I have is over eating and believe me its a struggle.I have been up and down on my weight and right now Im the largest i have ever been, 201
For me just to tell anybody my weight is a big deal.
What im saying is that weither you over eat or under eat the problem all comes from the same place so I highly dought that anybody here would flame you. You didnt have to tell us anything but you did

oh i feel you. my first year away to college i left home weighing ehh around 160 and came back after my FIRST SEMESTER near 212 and then weighed even more than that when i went back to school after christmas break. i told my mother i needed help, but how could a 200 plus pound girl have an eating disorder???... <i>obviously</i> i had no problem <b>eating</b>, or at least thats what my mother thought.

youre exactly right, it doesnt matter what you weigh or how you look, and eating disorder is a mental... umm. i dont like using the word disease because i personally have a problem with it but.. you get the picture. its very much an "in your head" kind of thing.

i really love the atmosphere here on fv. its amazing how many caring and good hearted people there are in this world. im so very glad i found this place. ive even deleted my myspace since joining FV. theres just no point to it. i mean, sure i know the people on there in RL but i dont relate to them like to with some of yall on here.