Desperately Need Advice

**ritabelle** · 04-26-2007, 06:10 PM

I have a friend who I've been friends with since high school. She has self esteem issues and always seems to be with the guys that treat her badly, then dump her. She'll seem to get her act together for a while, then something will happen and she'll downward spiral, drinking too much and jeopardizing her job with her depression.

She'll push her friends and family away and then claim they abandon her, don't love her, etc. I've always stood by her, but about a year ago, she promised to show up and help us with some stuff and she never showed. This is a common thing for her to do, and I'd reached my last straw. I told her to stop disrespecting me and my family by breaking promises or I couldn't be her friend any more.

Then she did it again on her birthday. We were going to take her out for a nice dinner, she called to say she'd be on her way in an hour and then never showed. She went to another friend's house instead. So we didn't make any attempt to contact her after that. It's been 6 months.

Now I've heard from her sister in law. She's still with a loser guy that cheats on her, drinking more than ever (2 or 3 bottles of wine a night), getting close to getting fired from her job, possibly doing drugs. She claims I've abandoned her and nobody loves her in long drunken rants on her myspace blog.

Part of me still cares for her as a friend and I want to reach out to see if I can help, but another part of me says she needs to want out before she can get out and if she's not ready, it'll just waste my time and energy on a losing cause.

Should I try to make contact, either via myspace or her sister in law? Or should I wait to see where it goes? I'm afraid if I wait she might not survive.

I don't know what to do.

Sorry for the long post, but I needed to vent and would desperately like some advice. Please help. TIA!

**FrugalMomof3** · 04-26-2007, 06:45 PM

Personally I would make one last attempt to contact her anyway possible but if she does not respond then leave her be, you cant ALWAYS be there for her especially when she doesnt seem to take your advice and backs out at the last minute. I think she needs to set priorities which she obviuosly does not have and no matter how many times you tell her to drop the zero, she will never listen.

I think after this last attempt to contact her leave her be, seems after reading your post she doesnt respect your friendship or your family.

**PAVallygrl** · 04-26-2007, 07:15 PM

Do yourself a BIG favor - walk the other way. You've tried many times before and don' let her guilt you and manipulate you with the "nobody loves me BS" After all you've done for her over the years and then to get a slap in the face like that. TOXIC people have a way of brushing off on ya. LEt her sit on her own Pitty Potty. She is the only one who can help herself. I've had a couple of Toxic people in my life that I bent over backwards for, yet nothing was ever enough. All the hours of advice I gave were nothing more than a waste of my breath. Trust me when I tell you it has a way of Physically and Mentally draining you....got to a point for my own sake I had to walk away. Sounds like her issues would only be helped by a Mental Health Professional - Are you one? Sorry to sound so callus, but I've been there and done that a few times already. Untill she gets professional help and helps herself out of these situations there is Nothing you can do for her. Sad to say

**Edna_E** · 04-26-2007, 07:46 PM

i'M with PAVallygrl on this one. She is stuck in a cycle that she is unwilling (and I know it doesn't come easy, but it still is a decision) to break. There is nothing you've said to make me think she's trying to change. I think you have a higher responsibility to your family and yourself than to someone who obviously places little priority on your friendship. So, let her go, and if you are feeling guilty, find a new friend who may very much appreciate what you have to offer.

**Darlene** · 04-26-2007, 08:10 PM

She knows where to find you.
Popular old saying..."You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink"...meaning you can show her alternatives and changes over & over again that she can make but ultimately the choice is hers. She's not ready or willing to make them and you have to just let her sink or swim.

**DJ1972** · 04-26-2007, 10:15 PM

Been there done that! I have or had one very close friend that is in many ways like yours. She doesn't have a drinking problem but she has horrible mood cycles. Her cycles were mostly in the downward direction. All of our conversations were about her, how her mother treated her, how she hated her job, it was always a constant gripe session. When I would try to remind her of all the good things in her life she would divert the conversation back to something negative. After spending an afternoon with her I would be mentally exhausted, and her funk attitude would rub off on me. She would often skip out on plans with me when something else would come up she wanted to do, but as soon as she would hit bottom my phone would be ringing. I kept thinking I could help her in some way. My DH, after remaining quiet about the whole thing for at least 2 years, finally said, "Why do you keep on dealing with her, she doesn't want help, she loves to be miserable." My light bulb finally came on, he was right. Some people are just negative and self-destructive, and those people usually blame everyone else for their problems. Life is too short to have your life consumed by these people. I am all for helping a friend through a rough time in their life....but when they thrive on negativity and drama, they don't want help, they want a pity party. I continue to pray for my friend that she will find peace in her life, but I no longer let her steal my peace.
Good luck with whatever decision you make!

**Darlene** · 04-27-2007, 07:14 AM

So true DJ, very good post!

**TheRootedNomad** · 04-27-2007, 07:24 AM

Originally Posted by PAVallygrl

Do yourself a BIG favor - walk the other way. You've tried many times before and don' let her guilt you and manipulate you with the "nobody loves me BS" After all you've done for her over the years and then to get a slap in the face like that. TOXIC people have a way of brushing off on ya. LEt her sit on her own Pitty Potty. She is the only one who can help herself. I've had a couple of Toxic people in my life that I bent over backwards for, yet nothing was ever enough. All the hours of advice I gave were nothing more than a waste of my breath. Trust me when I tell you it has a way of Physically and Mentally draining you....got to a point for my own sake I had to walk away. Sounds like her issues would only be helped by a Mental Health Professional - Are you one? Sorry to sound so callus, but I've been there and done that a few times already. Untill she gets professional help and helps herself out of these situations there is Nothing you can do for her. Sad to say

I've done my share of attempting to help a couple of TOXIC people myself. It deffinately sounds like its time to walk. I know that's easier to say than to do, however, it already sounds like there's some space there so it'll probably be easier to do now rather than later.

**jamie79** · 04-27-2007, 07:59 AM

I wouldnt walk I would RUN the other way

**Mumzy** · 04-27-2007, 08:22 AM

Life is to short let her go. Make room for some good. You will be very glad you did.

**i.m.cheap** · 04-27-2007, 09:31 AM

Say Bye-bye, and don't look back.

**Katybird** · 04-27-2007, 10:00 AM

I think you have gone above and beyond in trying to help your friend. She has used you and your kindness for years and I think it is time to cut the ties and put her in your past. You will always care for her since you have been friends for so long but you have done all you can for her and she has made it clear that she does not want help or is she willing to be the kind of friend that you deserve. I would keep her in my prayers and/or thoughts for a better life for her but I would definately not have anything to do with her again.

**KrieBabie** · 04-29-2007, 11:19 PM

Get in contact with her, but don't try to fix anything. If she wants to talk about what's going on...let her vent. Don't give your opinion. Try to keep the friendship distant. Call her on the phone, send greeting cards, talk on myspace...but give her space. Maybe, every once in a while, take her out to lunch or invite her over for lunch. Don't be pushy. Don't abandon her. Just be the friend that you obviously want to be to her. You wouldn't of posted about her if you didn't still need her in your life for one reason or another. Who knows...maybe she's not the one who needs fixing. Maybe you two are friends so that you can learn a lesson from her, not her from you.