DH just tries to "help" w/weight loss

[Cricket1]

First of all this is going to be a long one people--get a cup of coffee.

My DH loves to exercise. Wakes up every morning to do it--very regimented. I hate to exercise and am NOT a morning person. He knows this--we've been married for 14 years and yet every morning he tries to wake me up to exercise. I squeeze in a little exercise during the day (sometimes more than others) by walking my kids to school, playing tag outside with the kids, etc.

Last night we had a talk about ways to get the whole family to exercise together, etc. Today while talking to ds #1, I had a brain storm. We decided that tonight after dinner we would have our own olympics featuring things like hula hooping, jumping jacks, races, hopping on one foot. I was proud of myself because, as mentioned, I HATE to exercise and do not want to pass that on to my boys (even though at this stage of the game they are both very active). So after dinner we did our Olympics--we broke a sweat and had great competitions. DH, however, wasn't that into it. He kept mentioning that he took a long bike ride to this morning, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I am about 35 lbs overweight. I know this. I am very comfortable in my skin, but know that I should work to get that weight off to be healthy. Diabetes runs in my family and my dad died from a heart attack at age 58 (he smoked forever and ate poorly). My mother just had gastric bypass in January. I know all of these things.

A few minutes ago, we're in bed and we're joking around talking about one of our friends (the conversation had nothing to do with weight or health) and all of the sudden dh gets all serious on me about how he worries about me and wants me to be healthy, etc. This may sound nice and kind to you, but he has this same conversation with me ATLEAST once (most times twice) a week. He always brings up the fact that my dad died young and my mother is obese.

Again--I know my family history better than anyone. I know what it was like to have a morbidly obese mother that I was embarrassed about and I know what it was like having a father that died young. Hearing everyone say that he was too young to die. I have lived with this.

I just snapped! I told dh that I'm sick of this conversation and that I'm PAINFULLY aware of what my parents' issues were. I'm so sick of this same "lecture" every week. I've had it. Instead of the same freakin' lecture how about something like, "Good job coming up with the olympics--the kids really enjoyed it." No, instead I get how worried he is about me. I truly feel harrassed by this conversation.

Wow! What a vent! Anyone have any suggestions? Other than lose the 35 lbs. and get him to shut up (that one is kinda obvious)!! BTW--he has gotten a little better. Anytime we used to eat out and I would order a regular salad dressing (one that wasn't fat free) w/my salad--he would say, "Do you really need that dressing?" His parents were horrified the time we were eating out with them and he said that. To make his life miserable, I played the martyr and had my salad without anything on it. Just green lettuce and tomatoes. They ranted about him minding his own business the whole meal.

[nodmicks]

I wish I had a suggestion. How about we combine our Dh's to get the perfect balance. I'm a diabetic and Dh will bring home M&M's because he knows I love them. I've explained over and over but he doesn't quite get it. If we combined out Dh's we might have the perfect balance.

[Cricket1]

Mick-that sounds like the perfect solution!! LOL.

[nuisance26]

~I know just how aggravating that male, problem-solver thing is. Try not to read too much into it other than that he sees you having a problem being as motivated as himself and gives you a solution. Men really think they are being helpful when they do this! Arguing is useless because they are motivated by how much they care about you in the first place. Obviously there's alot of love on your side too or it wouldn't bother you so much. Just try to change your reaction to his comments. And I'd definately remind him gently that if your kids were to overhear these discussions they may interpret them badly. They may end thinking that dad is controlling and overly weight conscious and that it's ok to treat others that way. My parents sometimes had this situation and my mom could make the negative seem positive. In this situation I can see her giving a hug and kiss to my dad and telling him how sweet it is that he cares so much about her and then gently commenting that she's working on a plan that works for her. It's much easier to manipulate a situation than to hope your hubby changes his behaviour. God Bless!~

[AmyMCGS]

Grrr, that would make me really mad if my DH did that. Repeating the same thing over and over is like talking to a child, and someone talking "down" to me is one of my pet peeves.

Maybe tell him that his way doesn't work for you, so you could use his help in coming up with other ways to exercise? Something so that he feels he's helping might get him to drop the lecturing tone.

[Dancing Lotus]

My hubby is a lot like yours. He is thin and always has been. He doesnt exercise persay but his job is very physical. I detest exercise, it just doesn't seem natural to me. I have never been muscular and my weight has varied a lot over the years. Would I like to be thin, sure. But at some point I also have to face who I am and so should everyone else.
Being that your dh is a man and has never been fat he cant possibly understand how what he is saying might hurt you. My dh will say he doesnt care about my weight he cares about my health. He just wants me to be healthy. Well buddy, being overweight doesnt always mean you arent healthy. I think telling him you dont want to hear it anymore is about all you can do.

[fernykins]

And I just became bullheaded. My first would say things like if cut your hair I'll divorce you........ so I cut my hair. Now mind you my hair was past my A**. He didn't divorce me. Then he would pick at me when I weighed 130 lbs. So I gained more weight. So Iwas really hurting myself. He didn't divorce me. I had him served with divorce papers on his birthday. I am still to heavy by on my own I have lost 150 lbs, and my Drs are happy. Do your own thing. You can only do things like that for you. You knmow your family history. That you throught of something that you and your kids can do together more power to you.
Fern

[Cricket1]

You gals are great. Asking him for "help" would only give him more power. This morning I told him I was sick of his controlling ways and they are stopping NOW. I'm still steaming mad even though he apologized this morning. We've been down this road before. Next week he'll be giving me the same speech again.

Thank you all so much for listening to me vent!!

[tbs727]

Hugs to you. I can imagine how frustrating this must be for you. I am on the opposite side of this situation. I really worry about my DH, he also has a family history of Diabetes and he's at least 40 lb overweight. His BMI considers him obese. I worry about him all the time, but I only discuss it when we're talking about going to the gym or when we're talking about what we can do to eat better. I try to make suggestions on what he could be eating, when he asks. We joined a gym about 3 months ago and he's only been a couple of times. I told him last night I would like for us to go together. That works out well for me because when I go to lift weights I'm usually the only woman in that section, so I'll feel a little less out of place. Anyway, the point of all this is that I am going out of my way to accommodate and help DH and if your DH really wants to support you he should make some changes. It IS possible for him to exercise twice a day if he really wants you to get involved and he feels he has to keep working out in the morning.

I would also say that the bedroom is NOT the place to be talking about weight issues. Yours or his! That just doesn't produce a good environment for lovin'.

I'm sorry your frustrated with your DH. I hope he will open up his ears and listen to what you have to say.

[Early Bird]

I have an idea:

Think about what exercise would work for you. And I mean steady, sustained exercise. Think hard and make some decisions.

Look for one with low overhead -- for example, going to a gym or a pool is time-intensive: packing gear, driving, logging in, changing, driving home, etc. Going for a walk just means putting on walking shoes. The Olympics sound like they're high-overhead, and maybe not something you'd keep up with. It could even be worthwhile to invest in exercise equipment, if you like to treadmill and watch tv, for example.

Then ask him to participate in order to help you. Be sweet in asking for his help, but YOU get to pick the activity and the timeslot that your're most likely to maintain.

And tell him the rules: my rules are

Only positive encouragement.
I set the pace.
Weather: at least 20 degrees and less than 80 degrees.
Light rain okay, but no thunder.
I don't exercise when I'm sick.

For example, I'm the morning person, so a two-mile walk before breakfast suits me fine. DH isn't a morning person, but he joins me on my walks. It makes me a little more motivated to know that he's suffering from getting up early while I'm suffering through those 2 miles.

Sometimes he's misguided. If he says things like, "Faster! You need to go faster!", I just tell him, "That's not helping," and he shuts up.

[Early Bird]

Two more rules that I didn't get in the list above before my edit time ran out:

* Good bathroom break before we get started.
* The exercise must be first thing in the morning.

[annymoll]

I am the health worry wart in our family. My Dh's mother had high blood pressure, was overweight, and did not take care of herself, When she was 8 months pregnant and sitting on an exam table in the doctor's office she had an aneurysm and bled out on the table. She died, the baby died, and my husband, his brother , who was 4, and my father- in- law were left.FIL remarried a few years after, and his wife became the mother of the boys.
Knowing this family history, it always hurt me to see my husband follow down the same path- not watching his weight, not exercising, making poor health choices. It was hard because he is a health care provider and knows better, both on a professional, and a personal level.It made me feel as though he did not care enough to make changes in his life that would help to protect his family.
Liberation came the day I finally realized that whatever choice he made, it was his alone to make. I made sure that we had the best of life insurance we could obtain, then I did what was best for me, and let him do what he wanted. If I made a healthy meal for me, I would make sure to have his less healthy foods available to him, even if it meant different meals. I exercised, and never questioned whether he would or not.
Eventually, my DH chose to make adjustments.He makes healthier choices, and I try to help him. I feel that being the main purchaser and preparer of meals gives me alot of freedom to create healthy dishes.He is not always able to exercise due to work demands, but we enjoy walks together, golf, etc. It is our favorite time to talk then as well.
Your husband means well, but just hasen't yet come to the realization that EACH person has to be responsible for their own well being.He cannot MAKE you do something you are not ready to do, or do not choose to do.It is a difficult process. I know. I hope things get better for you.

[baxjul]

I completely understand! I absolutely HATE all things related to excercise!!! My dh always wants me togo for walks, I hate it! Finally, I told him to stop and he did, for now.

[cab54]

After about 20 years of trying to exercise and lose weight, sometimes successfully (but hating it) and sometimes not (it REALLY gets harder as you get older)........I have come to realize that the kind of exercise I can live with, is the kind you get from something productive. Like gardening, cleaning, biking to the store (2 miles away) when I'm just out of a couple of things (or walking if I think I can carry it).

I've found that I just HATE structured exercise--the kind you schedule into your day and then you sweat and sweat, and need a shower (and then fix hair, have to put on mascara again--or whatever your grooming routine is..). WHO has time for that? I just try to fit in some productive 'movement' 3-4 times a week. Maybe that'll work for you Cricket. Solved my problem.

Sometimes dh and me (or my mom) will still go for a walk or bike ride. But now I choose to think of it as a stroll, not a 'workout', if I do go for one. I get a lot more done, now, too---since I'm doing WORK and being productive for exercise (isn't this what our ancestors did to stay fit?) and NOT trying to schedule some kind of formal exercise into an already busy day.

Everything nowadays is so automated, we don't get the 'normal' exercise people did before. Just adding some of it back may help us be more fit, IMO.

[pita1213]

i have fibromyalgia, so my whole body hurts. the thought of exercise most days makes things hurt more. well dh in his not so brilliant moments likes to tell me i need to exercise more and things won't hurt as much. while i do need to lose a few pounds, it feels like he is belittling my my issues. though sometimes i think he's in denial about them. anyway, it doesn't make me feel better when i already feel bad, so i kinda know where you are coming from with being tired of being told the same thing every week.
i know i need some exercise. so what i have been doing is walking in the mornings with a friend. if i wasn't walking with someone, i probably wouldn't at all, but having someone to be accountable to, but of my choosing it's not as bad. i also get to talk to another adult which other than teh walk, sometimes doesn't happen on some days. right now since school is out, our kids come with us, so they are getting exercise as well. when school is back in session, we get the kids off to school, then meet at the park to walk. i had tried walking at the mall as i needed to get my niece out and about in the mornings or she'd scream her head off, but it just was so boring since i didn't have anyone to talk to and the stale air wasn't doing anything for me either.
it doesn't seem like drudgery when you have a friend that is in it with you. do you have a friend you could do something with or maybe the mother of one of your dks friends? we go to the park that has a walking path because neither of us live in neighborhoods that are good for walking with strollers, too much traffic.
find something you enjoy, and it's easier to stick with it. then when dh brings up the conversation again, you can tell him, well i did xyz today when you weren't home so i am doing something about it. i have found that is stopping my dh from making the comments like he had been in the past. i think it's been a month now. when he does say something about needed to get excercise, i just remind him, i walk 2-3 miles 5 days a week, and that's all i say. no need to get drawn into a long conversation about it. and you might get some support instead. HTH