To gift or not to gift?

**AmyMCGS** · 05-26-2008, 10:23 AM

We received an invitation to my cousin's wedding, which is several states away from all of the groom's family. We have a big family and everyone will likely travel to the wedding... it should be a lot of fun!

On the back, it says "your presence is your gift to us", which normally I would assume means that you aren't expected to bring a gift. However, at the bottom, it also states "we are registered at..." and lists their registries.

So, do I bring a gift or not?!?

There is also no RSVP card and there will be no wedding party... it's just an all together different sort of wedding than what's normal in our family. I'm really looking forward to it... I'm just confused on the gift thing!

**Frugal Nurse** · 05-26-2008, 10:26 AM

THAT IS ABSURD!!!

"Your presense is your gift to us".. means... just that. NO gift!

Ehhhh gads!!!

Bring yourself. that is gift enough. It'll be fine.

For the heck of it.. peek at the registry.. see what's there.

Call some other relatives and check what their idea of the whole thing meant

**happimommi** · 05-26-2008, 11:16 AM

Very confusing.....I guess it would depend on the situation. If they are a young couple just starting out and need some stuff to set up housekeeping, I would probably buy something. If they have already been living together and the things on their registry are more along the "luxury" line, I would just give them a nice card.

**AmyMCGS** · 05-26-2008, 11:30 AM

They are a young couple, neither has been married before, not living together, so the things on their registry are dishes, towels, etc... nothing extravagent. (I've seen the registries already because I am going to a shower for the bride next weekend.)

**Rosebush3** · 05-26-2008, 11:41 AM

Maybe the gift registry note was intended for those who can't gift them with their presence? The tackiest thing I EVER saw in a wedding invitation was the bride to be included not only a card where they were registered but included catalog cutouts of what she suggested I bring. Like I can afford a Kitchen Aid mixer or pricey set of kitchen knives. I went, she got nothing.

**cissylu** · 05-26-2008, 03:21 PM

I`m the type if I went I would take something. But I wouldn`t take to both.

**Frugal Nurse** · 05-26-2008, 03:26 PM

Originally Posted by Rosebush3

.... The tackiest thing I EVER saw in a wedding invitation was the bride to be included not only a card where they were registered but included catalog cutouts of what she suggested I bring. Like I can afford a Kitchen Aid mixer or pricey set of kitchen knives. I went, she got nothing.

There is no WAY that happen!!

THAT my dear... is the top of tacky

And I LOVE it... you went - ate, danced, drank. and she got nothing.

Wow!

I have seen that happen on bridal showers- its' not the brides doing it's the maids. But still.... tacky no doubt.

I even hate getting registry information. It's like... suddenly you're forced to pay top dollar for something you weren't going to get her anyway.

**bumplett** · 05-26-2008, 03:37 PM

hmmm.... ok, I voted for just a nice card.

If you take a gift to the bridal shower, I wouldn't take a gift to the wedding also - one or the other, but not both.

**Edelweiss** · 05-26-2008, 04:11 PM

It's incredibly bad form to include registry information on an invitation. In fact, it's technically a breech of etiquette to include anything at all about gifts...even to say NOT to bring them, because it's like saying, "even though gifts are expected, we're gracious enough to excuse you from giving us one." Tacky, tacky, tacky.

Just do whatever you'd planned to do prior to receiving the invitation. If you were already going to give a gift, go ahead and do it. If you weren't, then don't!

**hippytreehugger4ever** · 05-26-2008, 05:17 PM

If they are a younger couple just starting out, as you say, then it's up to you. I would probably get them something small and practical, or just a nice card.

**Dixie** · 05-26-2008, 06:09 PM

Originally Posted by Edelweiss

It's incredibly bad form to include registry information on an invitation. In fact, it's technically a breech of etiquette to include anything at all about gifts...even to say NOT to bring them, because it's like saying, "even though gifts are expected, we're gracious enough to excuse you from giving us one." Tacky, tacky, tacky.

Just do whatever you'd planned to do prior to receiving the invitation. If you were already going to give a gift, go ahead and do it. If you weren't, then don't!

I totally agree.

**geckoace** · 05-26-2008, 10:10 PM

i wouldn't bring a gift to the wedding but i would probably take something to the shower if your going.
i dont have a problem with people putting the registry cards in invitations; it lets me know what people actually want and i prefer to give the bride& groom something i know they want/ need so i know its going to good use, im very practical.

all this etiquette makes me glad i got married the way i did (on ice skates with a radio station) LOL so i didnt have to worry about it.

**Nishu** · 05-26-2008, 10:34 PM

Yeah, it is incredibly bad form to mention gifts at all in the invitation, but whatever... They're young, this is the first marriage, they need things and if they're not grubby moochers than they'd probably really appreciate what you give them. As you say, it's simple non extravagant things they've put on the registry. If they were the type of boobs who are getting married a third time and put stuff like a PS3 and an iPod on their registry I'd say otherwise.

I say go ahead and take them something, but do it because you're kind and you can afford to help them out with a little something, not because you feel like you have to. That's what I get from the invitation, gifts are nice, but having you attend is just peachy.

And don't flame me for this okay? But donating in people's name in place of a gift? Whatever. I say if you're going to do that to me don't even bother. If that's your thing, just do it quietly and save me the trouble of writing a thank you.

That's absolutely something I would to the aforementioned boobs who put crazy non-marriage related things on their registries.

Bad form? Sure... but you're way too classy to show up without a gift just because of this particular breech of etiquette, right?

**Nishu** · 05-27-2008, 12:47 AM

I certainly didn't mean that it wasn't good enough, I just don't see the point in making a donation and then announcing it in that manner. For gift giving occasions like Christmas and birthdays, sure, why not? I've long maintained that stressing over gifts at Christmas to adults who can purchase their own gifts, especially adults who are probably stressing over what to get you, is just absurd. In that case, go ahead and make a donation. It's not as though there's any real 'point' to handing out birthday and/or Christmas presents and I hate accepting presents anyway.

For weddings and births, on the other hand, the whole point of giving a gift is to help someone just starting out by relieving the burden of creating a whole household in one shot. In that case, there's a reason behind the gift. I don't see why you'd try to cheese out of that by making a donation. You can't fry an omelet in a donation to United Way or iron your clothes on a card that says "I just donated $50 to the Salvation Army in your name..."

Aside from that, there are very few organizations that don't come with some type of political tone to them. Some people don't appreciate the Salvation Army's stance on homosexuality, some don't particularly care for various Christian organizations that hand out bibles with their free meals, and I've even heard some people make complaints about the WWF. Choose carefully, I guess.

I certainly wouldn't think of the gift as not good enough. I've never made a registry of any kind (before this kid), never had a baby shower and didn't even have a wedding in which to invite gift-giving, so I don't want you to think I'm the greedy type. It isn't about the gift not being good enough. I just (personally) wouldn't bother giving a gift for a wedding that is of no particular use to the bride or groom. Maybe for Christmas, or a birthday or even a graduation, but not for a wedding, least of all when I know there's a registry. Some people might appreciate it, to be sure, but something tells me that if cousin had been the type to appreciate this kind of gift than the invitation would have included a list of charitable organizations rather than information on a registry.

I suppose I'm being a little uppity just because so many responses seem to be along the lines of "Well if they're going to be tacky, you go ahead and be tacky right back!" I think being invited to a wedding and attending with no gift is very tacky. Two wrongs don't make a right, as they say.

**Neeley** · 05-27-2008, 02:13 AM

I am really torn on this one. I am the type of person who loves to give gifts. That part of me says "Yes, take a gift."

But, I always put "No gifts, please" on all of my kids' party invitations. I prefer that their friends not spend their money on gifts. They get enough from the family to choke a half dozen horses. So I get a little annoyed at people who give them gifts when they were asked not to. That part of me says "don't take a gift."

Now that I think about the wording of it, I think I am leaning towards giving a gift. They said you being there was gift enough, but did not say "no gifts". To me that leaves the door open to giving a gift, if you like, without going against their wishes. Does that make any sense?