Hell for the Holidays

**Incognito** · 10-10-2011, 11:05 AM

Do you have family members who always manage to ruin every holiday?
I do.
And if they don't do that in the near vicinity, they do it long-distance.
I would like to have one holiday in my lifetime that is actually happy, instead of trying to adjust to the ruin caused by someone's destructive, irresponsible or offensive actions.

**Sumacaroni** · 10-10-2011, 11:19 AM

Yup, I have an older brother who makes family get-togethers so uncomfortable and miserable even my mother doesn't want him there any more. She says she's not telling him what day we're getting together for Christmas this year but I know *if* he calls to ask, she'll be honest and tell him LOL. I don't know why he bothers coming anyway, he seems to detest us all so much that he insults every single one of us at least once throughout the course of the day.

**Incognito** · 10-10-2011, 11:51 AM

Just spent the whole night awake and worried sick. Found out last night that a family member (not by blood, but by association) who has been creating a bad situation for years which has worsened the past few months, has finally caused a very serious crisis, involving the authorities.

I have to work later today, so would sure like a couple of hours sleep beforehand.
No Thanksgiving meal or celebrations for me today, but I do have left-overs in the fridge, so just have to get myself together and my home ready for work. It's hard to work when you're heartsick, but I'm a professional, so hopefully the worst of my feelings won't show.
There is always so much to be thankful for, but it's too bad that others spoil the joy.

**Darlene** · 10-10-2011, 12:57 PM

It's ok to Opt-Out of spending time with people that are annoying, obnoxious or rude. Just because they are family doesn't mean anything, you still have choices on who you want in your life. They don't treat you and yours with respect, they are on their own to find someone else who will listen to their tales of injustices and how they feel things should be. Give yourself the gift of calm and quiet, it's ok you just need to let them know things are going to be different and just do it with no backing down or apologies. Enjoy!

**Syn D** · 10-10-2011, 01:01 PM

In the past we did, but for years it hasn't been a problem.

One Christmas, I put on a spread for 24 people (hubbys family) and lets just say, it has never happened again.

**mh3rdwheel** · 10-10-2011, 01:23 PM

Originally Posted by Incognito

Do you have family members who always manage to ruin every holiday?
I do.
And if they don't do that in the near vicinity, they do it long-distance.
I would like to have one holiday in my lifetime that is actually happy, instead of trying to adjust to the ruin caused by someone's destructive, irresponsible or offensive actions.

Yes when you put my mom and her older sister together and they act like 2 year olds. Unfortunately my aunt is gone (2 years) and my mom is in a nursing home in the last stages of Altheimers disease.

They help to ruin it, this happened every holiday. If it is older people think of the future. I didn;t/

**Libby** · 10-10-2011, 01:42 PM

We have a family member like that. Its all high drama and all about *her*. So during our semi forced annual visit - usually near Christmas, we know how she is and just mentally prepare for it. Its just a short small visit with a limited number of family members to reduce any potential collateral damage.

I believe in knowing who your family is but killing yourself to spend time with someone/people who clearly doesn't want to be with you is a whole other ball game.

Holidays are what YOU make of it.

**Incognito** · 10-10-2011, 01:46 PM

It's one of my biggest faults and failings...getting emotionally sabotaged by somebody or something that ruins things.
Happy moments/hours/days are a rarity in my life.

This time it is a domestic assault situation by a person with alcoholisn/drug addiction/violence issues, small children involved; now CFS and police, jail-time, restraining order, court date. She has finally caused her own break-up despite much forbearance and long-suffering from the immediate & extended family, with past & impending chaos, upheaval & destruction to many lives.

------
On the plus side, just got a work-call, cancelling out for today, so I don't have to work till tomorrow. That means I can deal with my emotions today, and I feel devastated.

**oheoh's momma** · 10-10-2011, 03:08 PM

mu husband he is always miserable and makes me that way. He wants work Sat. and watch Nascar on Sunday so when am I suppose to shop. He never stays on budget is always over by 50 or more on the boys. Always forgets about me until the day before Christmas. So I get what I don't want. I know it is the thought but he forgets about me..Makes me cry because my daughter gets more or used to from my mom.
His ex- wife's family are part Johava Witness but put up a tree eat a big turkey and ham dinner. Grandma and Grandpa buy nice gifts for each other and 5 dollar gifts for the grand kids. The ex spends about 20 bucks. It is not about the money it is about the thought and their is none. Grandma cries every year grandpa could die it could be our last holiday he has lived and not been sick every holiday. already started on UK daughter about Thanksgiving. They refuse to even count our side of the family and what happens when they get married. I will never do that to my kid what they do to my hubbys. It is insane make person quit celebrating a holiday at all and just do the Lord part. I have really considered spending the hoilday at a homeless shelter for the needy but is not fair to my daughter. Hell between hubby and ex's family. Hubby is a little better now.

**ravenmaniac** · 10-10-2011, 03:10 PM

My sister-in-law. It all started 23 years ago when dh and I got married. Dh's side thinks I am not good enough for him.

I've put up with years of showing up for Christmas and sil, her dh, and nephew ignoring me and my kids. Then they slowly started ignoring my husband too. I would be the first to say hi, try to be the better person, but to no avail. I can only turn the cheek so many times. I ignored them.

This past year they really angered me. My grandson was only 9 months old and it was his first Christmas. They ignored all of us! They wouldn't even look at him. How do you ignore a baby at his first Christmas?

This year I am not sure what we are going to do. Dh's parent's are getting up in age so I guess we'll end up going to visit his family.

Being caught in that situation really stinks.

**oheoh's momma** · 10-10-2011, 03:15 PM

One Christmas I st in the tub with a knife wanting to slice my femoural artery. My best friend kicked the door in when I wouldn't answer the phone. Took the knife away put me in bed and told my husband to grow up and let me have some peace we stayed at each others houses for about 2 weeks and she took care of me. My hubby had drove me to the point of not wanting to live to see Christmas. So it has always been bad I really hate Christmas because of all this. So this can be a big issue. hugs sorry about jacking the post. hugs to all

**krbshappy71** · 10-10-2011, 03:41 PM

Ohehoh, I hope you have sought professional help since then so this year can be better.

I have a couple of people that make negative dripping-with-sarcasm comments the entire time but my SIL taught me that no one can take my holidays away from me unless I let them. I used to really get upset over the things that were said but now I pretend not to hear the comment at all. The person doing it doesn't get the reaction they want and I move on as if didn't hear it, totally indulge myself in the moment of watching other open gifts or opening my own gift. Sometimes they will even repeat themselves to be SURE that I heard the comment, even going so far as to call my name first, etc. I still ignore. My life is just too short.

This is mean, but I am moving soon and this will be my last Christmas with said bunch as it currently exists. I'm looking forward to that. My two daughters are adults now and will bounce between Christmas with me or their dad (or maybe with said bunch without me, who knows) or whomever they wish. I am really happy about that, as I endured most of it for their sake, so as not to create waves while they were young.

Reading other's stories helps me to see that my own irritants weren't such a big deal, but all the same I'm happy to move and have a different looking Christmas in the future with BF, his family, or alone with him whatever the future brings.

**Neeley** · 10-10-2011, 03:45 PM

I have an aunt and uncle I am not particularly fond of. Both live out of town and only come home for Christmas and Thanksgiving. Having to spend time with them really put a damper on what should have been a happy time for us. So, DH, the kids and I decided ten or so years ago we were taking back our Christmas and Thanksgiving. We no longer spend holidays with either side of our families. Instead of taking our vacation in the summer, we do it at Christmas. We leave every year around the 16th or 17th of December for Disney World and do not come home until the 26th or 27th. Our Christmas, our way and we have never been happier.

What we do to avoid Thanksgiving with the relatives varies. We may go to the beach for the weekend. We may fake an illness. Sometimes I have just flat out told my mom I wasn't in the mood for those relatives and we were not coming. Either way, my mom understands and covers for me with my grandparents and other relatives. In addition, my grandparents are very sweet people. I cannot remember a Thanksgiving when they did not have several non-family members who have nowhere to go celebrating with us. While it is a very nice thing for them to do, it makes DH and I less than comfortable. It bothers me not to know who 10 of the 40 people I am eating Thanksgiving dinner with.

**oheoh's momma** · 10-10-2011, 03:49 PM

I did it is still bad but not to that point. I just try to do the best for my daughter, my brother,and hubby if anything else it is his job to make it happen and never to tear me up like that again. It has never been that bad. But remember he is bi-polar so that makes it worse and he was un medicated then. NOW I KEEP HIM ON HIS MEDS.

**mauimagic** · 10-10-2011, 03:55 PM

Wow - KWYM. I may not be going to Kauai for the traditional family Christmas because I cannot stand being ripped apart by one particular relative. Even thought we go for Mom's sake, I suggest that we go for Thanksgiving with her and then I will stay at home for Christmas - I certainly don't mind if the rest of my family goes - I just want peace for myself. So far DH has not said anything, but he knows what I go through. If I were to go just for Christmas Day, it would still cost $400 airfare and that is just not worth it.