Clueless and starting from scratch - help me!!!

**lvngwell** · 03-20-2009, 06:32 PM

OK sorry if this turns out to be really long!

Until recently I have done the bulk of the household duties. My daughter pitched in as she saw a need and we stumbled along. My childhood was uber structured (Mom kept the house museum clean) so I have avoided too much structure in our daily routine as it brought up painful memories for me (our house was pretty but NOT a real home if you know what I mean!)

Anyway, with my working my coupon business and my thrift shop items and doing this temp job for two months I am running on a max of about 3 hours of sleep a night - and things are not getting done. What little system I did have has broken down into mass chaos and mob rule!

So now I think I am finally ready to start INSISTING people around her pitch in more - but the more I think about it I draw a blank. Where do I start?

In our family we have:

1) My hubby - he works two jobs and is almost literally never home. I ask him to do very little because he gets less sleep than me. He makes good money - that is all he needs to do for now!

2) 13-yr-old Son - he loves to cook but not clean up after himself. His room is a mess. He seems to be more the artistic than the organized type. He will help but he is not a leader - definitely a follower - and needs a lot of supervision and hand holding. He has a big heart though and really does want to help me out - he is just not talented in that area!

3) 18-yr-old daughter - She was the worlds best kid until she turned 18 and started spitting pea soup while her second head (which seemed to sprout out of her left shoulder almost overnight) spins briskly around and around. I don’t recognize her anymore. She is a leader - very organized - totally capable - and if she got her head(s) out of her @ss she would be my greatest ally. But alas, lately it is an uphill battle. She works part time at sears (which can mean 30 hours one week and 7 the next!) and goes to college at night full time. She is very smart so she doesn’t need to spend a lot of time studying - but big projects seems to bog her down constantly. I think that is just and excuse though as the papers she writes off the cuff are usually brilliant.

4) My daughters 18-yr-old boyfriend - A sweet kid who showed up on my doorstep early one morning after his very wealthy mother stole his trust fund and kicked him out of the house penniless. I didn’t need to think a second about taking him in, I paused only briefly to put a chastity belt on my daughter and show him my husband’s gun collection. He got the point. He shares a (messy) room with my son, complains a lot about its condition, but never cleans. Frankly the kid is not used to having to do anything he is used to his maid doing most things and his mother doing the rest. We are trying the best we can to introduce him to reality, but he really is surprisingly clueless. He is a great help when you ask though - and he knows how to clean and is quite good at it. He can even cook! Oh, and he also works part time at sears and goes to college at night full time too.

5) Me - I do too much. The coupon business and the thrift shop stuff keep me going from 6 am to midnight, and business is only increasing every week! I know how to clean; I am a perfectionist (which presents its own brand of problems when I go to use little chunks of time to accomplish things).

I want to delegate but have no idea where to start or what to even delegate! What is fair? Who should I make do it? Am I doomed to live in chaos?

Sorry for the long post!! All suggestions are welcome!!

**thesightofoneself** · 03-20-2009, 06:40 PM

everyone is capable of doing something, split the work to be done

**hotprincesscm** · 03-20-2009, 06:41 PM

Well, I think first off each person needs to clean up after themselves...dishes, laundry, and belongings....Kids should keep their rooms clean...you can do daily inspections...they are old enough to keep their rooms clean! Designate specific chores to each individual and change them up each week...taking the trash out, dishes, vacuuming, cleaning the bathroom, mopping floors, cleaning out the fridge etc....hopefully that helps some..

**lvngwell** · 03-20-2009, 06:50 PM

Originally Posted by hotprincesscm

Designate specific chores to each individual and change them up each week...taking the trash out, dishes, vacuuming, cleaning the bathroom, mopping floors, cleaning out the fridge etc....hopefully that helps some..

The feedback i am getting is that the older kids are "too busy" with school and work. I feel guilty not being able to shoulder the load anymore and I feel bad about asking them to pitch in because how do I know I am not asking too much of them?

Now there are weeks when they wrok less than others and they do get one full day off a week. I was thinking of requiring them to help on that day by doing their alotted chores. but I still need dinner made every day, and dishes washed, and clothes washed, etc.

Any suggestions for how to fairly split things up when everyone (but the 13 yr old) is super busy too?

**thesightofoneself** · 03-20-2009, 06:59 PM

everyone is busy including your 13 year old

school really isnt that bad that they cant help out, i manage to clean my room and do my own laundry and usually do my own dishes, they need to suck it up

**danni** · 03-20-2009, 08:09 PM

My boys are 17, 13 and 13. They all have school, youth group and work. The twins also have choir and a sport, and the 17 year old has a girlfriend. They all are responsible for cleaning their own rooms and keepin 1 other room in the house neat. They rotate every month and the rooms are the bathroom, living room and laundry room/entryway. Right now the 17 year old is doing the bathroom and 1 twin is doing each of the other rooms. At the end of the month they switch to the next room. They also help out with putting laundry and dishes away. Once a week 1 of them cooks so I get a break.
My 5 year old has to keep her room clean and toys put away. She also has to feed the cats, but we still remind her.
Hope that helps.

**butterflygreen** · 03-20-2009, 08:47 PM

My kids are 6 and 9 they have to keep their rooms cleaned and help with laundry also keep one bathroom cleaned. they are the only ones who ues this bathroom. They also set the table and make their own lunches.

**MomToTwoBoys** · 03-20-2009, 10:21 PM

Originally Posted by lvngwell

OK sorry if this turns out to be really long!

Until recently I have done the bulk of the household duties. My daughter pitched in as she saw a need and we stumbled along. My childhood was uber structured (Mom kept the house museum clean) so I have avoided too much structure in our daily routine as it brought up painful memories for me (our house was pretty but NOT a real home if you know what I mean!)

Anyway, with my working my coupon business and my thrift shop items and doing this temp job for two months I am running on a max of about 3 hours of sleep a night - and things are not getting done. What little system I did have has broken down into mass chaos and mob rule!

So now I think I am finally ready to start INSISTING people around her pitch in more - but the more I think about it I draw a blank. Where do I start?

In our family we have:

1) My hubby - he works two jobs and is almost literally never home. I ask him to do very little because he gets less sleep than me. He makes good money - that is all he needs to do for now!

2) 13-yr-old Son - he loves to cook but not clean up after himself. His room is a mess. He seems to be more the artistic than the organized type. He will help but he is not a leader - definitely a follower - and needs a lot of supervision and hand holding. He has a big heart though and really does want to help me out - he is just not talented in that area!

3) 18-yr-old daughter - She was the worlds best kid until she turned 18 and started spitting pea soup while her second head (which seemed to sprout out of her left shoulder almost overnight) spins briskly around and around. I don’t recognize her anymore. She is a leader - very organized - totally capable - and if she got her head(s) out of her @ss she would be my greatest ally. But alas, lately it is an uphill battle. She works part time at sears (which can mean 30 hours one week and 7 the next!) and goes to college at night full time. She is very smart so she doesn’t need to spend a lot of time studying - but big projects seems to bog her down constantly. I think that is just and excuse though as the papers she writes off the cuff are usually brilliant.

4) My daughters 18-yr-old boyfriend - A sweet kid who showed up on my doorstep early one morning after his very wealthy mother stole his trust fund and kicked him out of the house penniless. I didn’t need to think a second about taking him in, I paused only briefly to put a chastity belt on my daughter and show him my husband’s gun collection. He got the point. He shares a (messy) room with my son, complains a lot about its condition, but never cleans. Frankly the kid is not used to having to do anything he is used to his maid doing most things and his mother doing the rest. We are trying the best we can to introduce him to reality, but he really is surprisingly clueless. He is a great help when you ask though - and he knows how to clean and is quite good at it. He can even cook! Oh, and he also works part time at sears and goes to college at night full time too.

5) Me - I do too much. The coupon business and the thrift shop stuff keep me going from 6 am to midnight, and business is only increasing every week! I know how to clean; I am a perfectionist (which presents its own brand of problems when I go to use little chunks of time to accomplish things).

I want to delegate but have no idea where to start or what to even delegate! What is fair? Who should I make do it? Am I doomed to live in chaos?

Sorry for the long post!! All suggestions are welcome!!

You and your husband are working your fingers to the bone. It's time for the other ones to step up and pick up the slack. Your son and your daughter's boyfriend can both clean the room together. The boyfriend is going to have to realize that he has no more maid and as such, he's going to have to clean too. He can't realistically complain about it if he does nothing to help clean it up; that's being completely hypocritical. Your son is going to have to learn to clean up after he cooks and if he does the cleaning while he's cooking, that'll make the job after the meal is done not as hard. Rinsing the pots/dishes and then having someone help dry them as he washes them is probably the best idea.

Your daughter can do the sweeping/mopping/vacuuming and smaller chores when she's not working.

Everyone can take care of their own living space and then they can share the other work. I'd suggest setting up a chore list. Make sure that if they don't do the chores on that list, something's taken away from them. If your daughter and her boyfriend think they're too old for it, then maybe it's time they got their own place.

**lvngwell** · 03-20-2009, 11:18 PM

Thanks everyone for the great input!! I always feel like I have to be super woman like MY mom was and when I admit I am not - and ask for help - I feel like I am not doing my share and that perhaps there is something wrong with ME!! it is sooooo great to hear what other people do with their families - lets me know I am not alone!!!

**lvngwell** · 03-21-2009, 10:03 AM

Originally Posted by MomToTwoBoys

Everyone can take care of their own living space and then they can share the other work. I'd suggest setting up a chore list. Make sure that if they don't do the chores on that list, something's taken away from them.

I have written down all the suggstions so far and have shared them with my hubby - he is all in favor of it!! I will let you know later what I come up with and I will post it and see if you have any additions or laterations to the plan!

Isnt it funny how you can be a totally competant person, even run a business, but then you have this ONE LITTLE area where you feel like a total dork because you are so behind everyone else in mastering it???? Thanks for helping me out on this - it was embarrasing to ask but I AM GLAD I DID!

**Spirit Deer** · 03-21-2009, 11:30 AM

Make a list of what chores need to be done routinely, such as sweeping, taking out trash, laundry, etc. Then round up everyone for a family meeting. Bring along a calendar with large spaces on it that you can write on. Discuss each chore and ask for volunteers. If there are none, assign the task. Mix it up so no one is doing a disliked task all the time.

Break down activities into several tasks so it's shared. For example , one person might cook while the other two clean up afterwards. That kind of thing.

The boyfriend is not a part of the family. You didn't say so but it doesn't sound like he's paying any type of rent or contributing financially, yet he is using up your resources. He has virtually no excuse for not keeping his area spotless, doing his own laundry, doing any chores you assign him without complaint, and volunteering at every opportunity to help out in any way he can. If all he's doing is complaining about his messy bedroom and waiting for the maid to take care of it, he is a freeloader no matter how nice he might be. If he doesn't think he should have to do some chores in exchange for free room and board, welcome him to the real world and show him the door.

As for the sob story about being kicked out of his house for no reason, don't believe everything you hear. We had several charming, likable kids who suckered a lot of people into feeling sorry for them and told plenty of lies about us to get other people to pay their way. Making their parents out to be the bad guys is a classic tactic manipulative young adults use.

Working the kind of hours you and your husband do and providing everything for the kids at their ages, the two of you should not have to do much of anything around your place.

**rainbowgc** · 03-21-2009, 11:35 AM

Good, because in the beginning of your post you were making way to many excuses for everyone. What if the 2 - 18 year olds had to put a roof over their own head? They would have to work harder. Since you are doing that for them they owe it to you and your DH to keep up the house, including supervising the younger one.
Erika

**lvngwell** · 03-21-2009, 02:48 PM

OK - just made home made steak fries and chicken fingers which drew the whole family. After they sat down I said "while you are all here ..." and pulled out a chore sheet for each of them. While they ate I went over each point in detail.

Here are the chores I came up with:

1) TAKE CARE OF YOUR OWN D@MN SELF!
* Bedroom clean at ALL times subject to inspections at any moment.
* do your own laundry (each person was assigned a day so they didn’t interfere with each other)
* pick up after yourself (infractions are one point each - 3 points = 1 penalty)
* pack your own lunches - no more lunch money!
* Each person gets their own bathroom towel in their own color - YOU wash them!!

2) ROOM CLEANING
Areas are:
* Living room
* Parent’s bathroom
* Kid’s bathroom
* Laundry room/hall/entry way
* Outside/yard/garage

Each person has the daily responsibility of upkeep for that area AS WELL AS a Saturday morning deep cleaning of their area.

Areas rotate on the first and fifteenth of each month

3) COOKING
* Mon Thru Fri - Each person is responsible for cooking dinner one night of the week (there are five of us so this works out perfectly!)
* Saturday – leftover day – each person has to take one day a month and do leftover day which means pulling stuff out and warming it up for us to eat.
* Sunday – eat out or takeout day – each person is responsible for buying takeout or taking the family out to dinner once a month. The 13 year old will have to earn the money by doing extra chores and will only be responsible if there is a fifth week in that month.

4) KITCHEN RSPONSIBILITIES
The jobs are:
* Sweep & mop the floor and take out garbage
* Set table
* Clear table and put away food
* Wash dishes
* Dry and put away dishes

Areas rotate on the first and fifteenth of each month

5) PETS
These are non rotating
Each person will do one of the following:
* Clean dog kennel & keep dog toys picked up & wash bedding as needed
* Bathe dogs weekly
* Take care of food water and litter box for cat
* Feed and water dogs
* Let dogs out first thing in the morning and take them for a leashed walk every day (all or one)

6) FAMILY BUSINESSES
* One day a week each person is required to give me 1 hour of GOOD assistance with the family businesses – each person picked a day.
* One day each weekend each person is required to give me 2 hours of GOOD assistance with the family businesses – each person picked a day.
This makes a total of 3 hours per week per person for a total of 12 hours of help I don’t have to hire another helper!!

This plan will straighten out everything that has gone terribly wrong with this place.

I figure that they are only committing to an average of 1.5 hours a day each to make this plan work – they watch more TV than that!!!

It was all actually well received and they were all surprised at how little they were going to be required to do in order to keep this house running smoothly.

I am over the moon happy!!!!!!!

I will let you know how it all goes - I am making the chart this weekend and we start it MONDAY!!!!!

**lvngwell** · 03-21-2009, 03:20 PM

Oh yeah - and the two older ones are required to pay me $25 a week each for a total of $200 a month to offset the increase in utilities and groceries since the BF moved in!! They were happy to do it!! WHEW!!