Would you/do you get rid of stuff behind your husband's back?

**ml2620** · 05-03-2011, 08:27 AM

I'm trying to get our house together, and I have to really pare down the clutter. It always leads to big arguments with my husband and he refuses to help me move the heavy pieces everything stays where is was. I just absolutely hate it and it causes me alot of emotional stress, anxiety and humiliation. (CHAOS - can't have anyone over syndrome).

He has a business trip coming up next month and will be gone for three days. I'd like to tear apart the house and get things arranged the way I want them - or closer to the way I want them - while he is gone.

This would involve getting rid of two couches and moving a desk he loves, but is huge, inefficent and he never uses, to the barn.

Would you clean and toss stuff behind your husband's back is this too much of a violation?

**Debbie-cat** · 05-03-2011, 09:46 AM

If you put the big pieces in the barn, I see nothing wrong with that. You haven't tossed them, just moved them.

At least that is what I tell my DH.

I have thrown things away without checking with him first because he is the biggest packrat. He has never asked where such and such is so he wouldn't have used them anyway. If I am unsure about an item then I stick it in the storage trailer. That way it is still there if he needs it but it isn't cluttering up my home

**Greebo** · 05-03-2011, 09:53 AM

You want it gone.
He doesn't.

You want to get rid of it behind his back.

I don't see this ending well.

**Spirit Deer** · 05-03-2011, 10:31 AM

It depends on how much of a problem it's going to cause in your relationship. If you don't actually get rid of anything he might want, then I'd do it because things haven't been irreversibly changed. Once he sees how much nicer the house looks the way you want it, he's likely to agree the stuff needs to go permanently. Or at least that's what you can hope for.

If the couches you hate can be moved to the barn, go for it, particularly if the barn is infested with mice. After leaving the couches out there a few months, your husband will probably see the necessity of getting rid of the couches, especially if you've helped things along by sprinkling bits of food in the couches in inconspicuous places.

I stated in another thread I often sort things when my husband is gone but then ask him to look through the boxes before I donate the stuff. Almost always, he'll either not bother looking, give things a cursory glance without digging in the box, or very rarely, pull out a thing or two. That way, he feels like he has a say in what goes, and I get to get rid of pretty much everything I want to. OTOH, if I try and involve him in the sorting process, it goes nowhere because he doesn't think he wants to get rid of anything. It just amazes me how he'll fight tooth and nail to keep things if I try to sort with him there, like clothes from his closet, but if I just go through and stack the clothes on the bed and say that's what I think should go, usually he'll just pick out one or two things and the rest goes without a comment. I think some people just don't know how to organize and prioritize. Or, if they do it themselves, they think too much about each item, whereas if it's presented to them all in a chunk, they don't think about each item. Who knows?

Good luck. Some people are just resistant to change.

**Contrary Housewife** · 05-03-2011, 10:52 AM

Would you want him getting rid of your stuff while you were gone for 3 days?

I don't throw out stuff of my husband's unless it is obviously garbage. Cable bills from 1995, packaging from something he bought and no longer needs, etc. I DO do the same as Spirit Deer, box up the "crap" and let him "decide" to get rid of it. He won't be rushed, but he has whittled 32 boxes down to about 12 in the space of a year and a half and is starting to see the benefits.

I would suggest you keep working small. Do your spaces, do the kid's spaces, talk about how much nicer you think it looks, how many bags of garbage you threw out, etc and let him come around by himself. He will get on the wagon eventually.

Be warned there will be sacred objects that are not up for negotiation. The desk may be one of those objects if he really loves it. My DH has a junk car from college taking up half the garage and he won't even acknowledge it.

**Spirit Deer** · 05-03-2011, 11:02 AM

Oh, no, I don't box it up and then wait while he procrastinates. He knows the boxes are going, and he has until the next time we go out of town where we can donate to do whatever he's going to do about it.

However, you have to do what works within your own relationship.

If there's something he won't part with, it goes into his office, which looks like an episode of Hoarders. He's still under the illusion if he simply rearranges all the crap he has stacked to the ceiling, everything will fit and be clean, tidy, and organized. Yeah, good luck with that. But it's out of the main part of the house and that's all I care about.

**MsMarieH** · 05-03-2011, 03:10 PM

I most definitely would not throw out anything that my husband didn't want me to throw out. He's a grown up and he shares the house with me, so whether I like it or not, he has a right to keep his crap in his own home. (Mind you, although my husband is not so bad and in fact, I am a worse packrat than he is, this general concept is exactly why I have decided that I will never get married again if anything ever happens to our marriage - I don't want anyone to ever have the "right" to an opinion about my home, garden, etc.).

Moving it to the barn is a bit of a grey area though, since technically you haven't disposed of it.

However, I would not put anything on it to encourage mice or damage.

**frugalwarrior2** · 05-03-2011, 03:23 PM

Wow.No way. Once a year I go thru socks,underwear,t-shirts trash them and replace them immediately w/ the exact smae thing. (DH may think he's been wearing the same stuff for 10 years.lol).
But no why would I disrespect him that way.
Is there a bsmt den they could live in?

**mom2three** · 05-03-2011, 03:44 PM

I wouldn't. Think about how it can be rearranged. Is there clutter on the desk? Why not do something special instead? Declutter the desk and set it up so that it's usable for your hubby. Then point out how much more usable it is decluttered and tell him that's how you would like the whole house to be. Ask him how he thinks that can be achieved.

Definitely continue to declutter/organize the small things. also, do not add to the clutter by bringing more stuff into the house.

**pollypurebred39** · 05-03-2011, 03:54 PM

LOL Oh I'm so guilty of this. No furniture, but stacks of paper, magazines, etc. He never notices they are gone. I rearrange furniture while he's asleep because he can not stand change. If I told him ahead of time he'd nix it and then I'd be stuck. He usually has a bit of an emotional upheaval internally, but has told me flat out that I'm better off not telling him anything and just doing it because he just can't handle the knowing.

**lisaflex** · 05-03-2011, 06:17 PM

i admit, i do it...i think he knows but just doesn say anything. i never throw away or get rid of things i know he has a "spot" in his heart for..other than that, it goes....

**NikoSan999** · 05-03-2011, 07:24 PM

Originally Posted by Greebo

You want it gone.
He doesn't.

You want to get rid of it behind his back.

I don't see this ending well.

Have to agree. If it were garbage, magazines etc then yeah. Like another poster said, if it were your stuff would you want to come home and find it gone.
I understand where you're coming from totally. When we move I have no clue what he's going to do with all the crap on his large desk. There's no room for even the desk much less the crap on it. But I bet he dosen't get rid of any of it. I wouldn't touch it with a ten foot pole.

**krbshappy71** · 05-03-2011, 07:27 PM

I would realllly freak if someone did that to me.

I'd like to suggest that you focus on other areas of the house instead and see what you can negotiate about the furniture when he gets back.

Another option, can someone help you move it so you can clean around it a bit without disturbing his stuff too much? Move it, clean around it, put it back.

**stinkbug** · 05-03-2011, 07:51 PM

The phrase * behind your husband's back* is never going to end well....

**lisaflex** · 05-03-2011, 08:00 PM

i dont really do it behind his back,i let him know i have gotten a dumpster and am cleanin house!!! he knows what it means...i learned my lesson before we were married....i threw out some nasty ole tshirts and a pair of jeans...he found them in the trash and took them out! so, i know what i can and canNOT get rid of