Frugal Village Forums banner

Spouse not on board with decluttering?

5K views 12 replies 10 participants last post by  Suzzy 
#1 ·
I had written a long post about this and have deleted it as I felt I was really shining a negative light on my husband that he didn't deserve.

I'll simplify things a bit :)
What can you do if your spouse isn't on board with decluttering and it is desperately needed? We are a family of three (five when my two older children are here) living, by choice, in a 900sq. ft. 2-bedroom duplex. We enjoy our small home, but we are overrun with...stuff! Whether it be my collection of old baking supplies that should have been tossed ages ago, my husbands stereo from when he was a teenager that hasn't been out of the back of the closet for at least five years, or my son's broken toys and half-missing puzzles...there is too much stuff for our small home.

Our youngest won't really miss anything since I won't be ridding him of anything he is attached to, and I am far from a material person and will be fine. However my husband is not even remotely on board. The problem is he isn't the one trying to clean around it all every day :). So yea, any thoughts you may have on helping him be more open and on board (even just making baby steps!) would be greatly appreciated! Thanks!!
 
#2 ·
Start with your own things, like the cookware, if he's not the one using it. If it's yours, you should be able to do what you want with it.

If there are toys and puzzles that are useless, toss those too. Does your husband need to be consulted about stuff like that? If so, then maybe you have a bigger problem than clutter.

His stuff, he's probably going to have to work through that on his own. Once he sees progress with your stuff and your child's stuff, and sees the results of a less cluttered space, then maybe he'll be more willing to let his own stuff go.

With my husband, sometimes it helps if I go through things, like his clothes, and WITHOUT GETTING RID OF ANYTHING, I just set aside the things I think he should get rid of. I sort according to what I think should be tossed and another pile for things that can be donated, then have him look through it all. Most of the time, he has no trouble letting it all go once he's looked it over. Sometimes he'll pick out a thing or two to keep, and then it goes back into the closet without me passing judgement. If I leave it to him, he won't get rid of anything. Some people have a hard time setting priorities or recognizing junk vs. stuff worth saving.

If he insists you can't get rid of anything, then insist HE figures out where to store it all, and also help with the cleaning. Sometimes people don't understand you can't organize your way out of having too much and that space is limited.

Hang in there. It gets easier over time.
 
#5 ·
If there are toys and puzzles that are useless, toss those too. Does your husband need to be consulted about stuff like that? If so, then maybe you have a bigger problem than clutter.
He's totally fine with me decluttering anything that isn't his. He recognizes my stuff is mine, and that keeping broken things from the kiddo makes no sense. It's just been hard to get him on board with his own things, even slightly.

His stuff, he's probably going to have to work through that on his own. Once he sees progress with your stuff and your child's stuff, and sees the results of a less cluttered space, then maybe he'll be more willing to let his own stuff go.
This makes sense, hopefully that's how it all works out :). If not, well I did marry him knowing he was like this haha. All the good aspects of him totally outshine this, but yea...it's just stressful sometimes.

If he insists you can't get rid of anything, then insist HE figures out where to store it all, and also help with the cleaning. Sometimes people don't understand you can't organize your way out of having too much and that space is limited.
This makes sense as well and we will see how it goes! Thank you so much for the advice.

frugalwarrior2 said:
The clutter bugs you but maybe not him.
This is absolutely true. He's not bugged at all and honestly I grew up in a messy home so it's not like I have to have everything ****-and-span but the clutter is beginning to cause some major stress for me. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I step all over things just to get to our couch, and we have piles of boxes in our bedroom. It's definitely not all his fault, I just wish I had some more support in getting things in better working order.

frugalwarrior2 said:
Like,I am taking a whole lot of books to the library. It has to be done now so we can get a tax write-off this yr. What do you have? That way he has a deadline.
I think this paired with the idea above of "With my husband, sometimes it helps if I go through things, like his clothes, and WITHOUT GETTING RID OF ANYTHING, I just set aside the things I think he should get rid of. I sort according to what I think should be tossed and another pile for things that can be donated, then have him look through it all." may actually work beautifully for my husband. Thank you for your advice!
 
#3 ·
My Dh used to be the clutter keeper. I just started decluttering my stuff by catagories and then asked him gently. Like,I am taking a whole lot of books to the library. It has to be done now so we can get a tax write-off this yr. What do you have? That way he has a deadline.

He cares nothing about clothes so I go threw his once a year or so and toss the too old,ripped or super small. But I buy new underwear,sock and new pants so he doesnt feel its a lose,lose.

Mostly,your Dh need to feel he's geting something out of it. Otherwise wheres the incentive. The clutter bugs you but maybe not him.
 
#4 ·
~Declutter everything that belongs specifically to you or is used by you(if you cook, you tackle the kitchen). As you go along and find things of your husband's that you know he hasn't used in a while, box those up and label them as "NAME's STUFF" and the date. Put them aside somewhere, like a closet. When your husband inevitably asks where his such-and-such is, point him towards the boxes. If he never asks, all the better. 6 months to a year after boxing up, ask that your hubby look through the boxes of stuff he hasn't used for 6 months+ and see if he can part with some things. Knowing that he hasn't needed that stuff for so long is a powerful realization. Stay in the same room with him while he goes through the box with computer nearby. Look up sold prices on Ebay for anything he pulls out of any value. Seeing cash numbers mentally attached to some of his unneeded stuff may make him excited to part with more. I did this with my DH and it worked very well. He still has 5 big totes of stuff in the garage though. He will never part with any video game system. :p ~
 
#6 ·
I have been working on mine for a decade or more. I second the approach of working on him gently. He is an electronics pack rat and generally not an organized person. I try to make it as easy for him as possible without nagging or making him feel like he is being pushed into a corner. He had a bad experience with his parents forcing him to throw out things that were important to him (my parents just did it when I wasn't home) so we try to be respectful of each others junk.

He has his own trash can in his office, a nice big one. And a paper shredder. We were still finding checkbooks from 1989 as recently as this summer. We have a big recycle bin and we use it. An easy thing for me to do is ask "Do we need to keep this box or is it trash?" or "Do you have any trash to go out this week?" If you can at least get him into the habit of not collecting more clutter you are ahead.

Two years ago I got proactive on cleaning out one of the bays in the garage. It had his old Celica in it, but you could not see it for the boxes piled on and around it. To be fair, a good deal of it was mine, but I asked for his help in getting rid of it one box at a time. It took 6 months. The reward for him was getting his car repaired and on the road again. And of course, he can't pile anything around it now.

We also have a rule that obsolete and broken electronics get tossed, not saved. This dates back to the year he let a friend give us a pallet of old monitors from an auction. We had 10-12 of those piled in the garage at one point.

I typically hand him a box with a line like "Hey this box looks like your junk, why don't you have a look and see if anything is worth saving?" With the intonation that it IS garbage and it IS going to get tossed. I give him one box at a time, more than that and he gets overwhelmed. Sometimes he gets in the mood and comes back for another box. It gets easier every year.

This summer we cleared our basement. One box at a time. The crappy old furniture from his batchelor apt went too. I think he is starting to come around to the idea that piles of junk we never see or use that take up space just make our lives unpleasant. He loves the new open basement. He loves having space in the garage. I've just had to keep nudging him toward this result.

I think the key is to be gentle, respectful, let him see you cleaning up, and don't overwhelm him with too many changes or too much work (or decisions) at once.
 
#8 ·
I think the key is to be gentle, respectful, let him see you cleaning up, and don't overwhelm him with too many changes or too much work (or decisions) at once.
This is absolutely the best course of action, especially because I do really respect my husband and don't want to make him feel like he has to get rid of things or it will negatively affect our marriage. I will love him either way, I just hope that he can also see where I'm coming from about being so stressed over it.

Thanks again to everyone, I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart!
 
#7 ·
Your situation sounds like mine a few years back. I would pack up all the unused stuff in boxes, label and date the boxes, close them up and then whatever isn't opened in six months gets driven to the second hand store. I never gave my hubby a second chance on this - he just knew where the boxes were and if they weren't dealt with out they went in time. Our small home is so refreshingly spacious now. All the best.

***I should add that while, initially it was a bit of a painful process for him, he now jokes about it and tells people that he has to watch that he doesn't get thrown out now lol
 
#9 ·
My husband has an office, which I pretty much don't touch. When I first decided major purging was in order, I started having him put anything he refused to get rid of in his office. He quickly ran out of space. So at least that got him started thinking about getting rid of stuff and truly seeing the problem of hanging on to items that had no good use anymore.
 
#10 ·
Does he have a space that is just his? office, etc. Put all his stuff in there. If not, put in on HIS side of the bed (on floor between bed and wall, not on the bed). Let him deal with it.

It is all good to say, be respectful, but is he being respectful of YOU by hanging on to this junk when he knows it bothers you?

I can't see an episode of Hoarders involving a couple, without thinking, a normal person ALLOWED their spouse to get this bad. I would never put up with it.
 
#11 ·
This was helpful to me also with mydh i just went through away some of my stuff in closet it is hard for me i suffer from fibro & other health problems i now am going on a program that will help he will be here on monday so i trying do do as much as possible i just have to much stuff in our 3 bedroom apt. i don't have a problem with getting rid of stuff i just can't do by myself Help may be helpful
 
#12 ·
In spring 2015 I bought up for a space at the community yard sale (very well run and a lot of buyer traffic.) Told my husband after I bought the space. I borrowed tables to use at the sale. I started piling stuff to sell in a corner of the basement. Anything I thought hubs might object to I asked about first. After a while he started adding his stuff to the pile. I bought a pack of pre-printed price stickers and we just picked a price and stuck a sticker on the object. By the day of the sale we needed 2 cars to haul it and he went with me for the first few hours and helped sell. It was hot and he left early but no problem as we sold most of the stuff early on. My goal was not so much to make money as to get rid of things we did not want and just make a few $$. This included some crafts I made but did not need as gifts, priced very low and sold a fair amount. I plan to do it again in 2016.
 
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top