Partner doesn't do housework

**elplvr** · 02-05-2006, 04:21 PM

I'm so frustrated. Both my partner and I work full time jobs, yet I am the one who does the majority of the housework and yardwork.

I've nagged, bribed and yet I'm the one busting my butt around here. It's like he is blind and can't see the toothpaste on the bathroom faucet, dirt on floors, plants wilted, etc.

I even tried his approach and not do anything but I can't stand how dirty the house gets and lost 70.00 in flowers I planted in the flowerbed.

We just bought a 2100 sq ft home and now I wish we bought a small condo. He sure enjoys it when it is clean and people compliment on how nicely the house/yard looks...but is oblivious when the place is a wreck.

His solution is "maybe we should get someone to come in once a week". But why should I have to pay for half the bill, when he's the one who doesn't pull his share?

We work at the same place, so he also sees just how hard I work (and coincidentally I do the more work than others on my team at work).

I'd appreciate any suggestions on how not to go crazy. When scrubbing the stove and getting the house clean for the Super Bowl party, he was napping at 11am. I found myself crying thinking that I just don't have a break at all. If it's not working my fanny off at work, I'm doing the same at home. Help!!

**AmyBoz** · 02-05-2006, 04:37 PM

I'm sorry to hear this. That must be incredibly frustrating.

**Mom23boys** · 02-05-2006, 05:53 PM

I would suggest leaving his items laying around. If you can't do that because it bugs you, then pile it neatly in corner or put it in a covered hamper out of the way. When he starts wondering where all his clothes are, then maybe he will start helping with his laundry.

I am sorry you aren't getting any support.

**Cele** · 02-05-2006, 05:56 PM

Get the cleaning service. I agree it's not fair, but it doesn't sound like anything you do is going to change his behavior. It also seems like this is something that could eventually damage your relationship.

**Darlene** · 02-05-2006, 08:24 PM

Don't think you can do much to change him. Is this something your willing to live with forever more? To me this is one of the basic things couples need to agree on, it'll never be 50/50 but needs to even out somewhere. Hope you 2 can work something out.

**Pepper** · 02-05-2006, 08:49 PM

Originally posted by Darlene
Don't think you can do much to change him. Is this something your willing to live with forever more? To me this is one of the basic things couples need to agree on, it'll never be 50/50 but needs to even out somewhere. Hope you 2 can work something out.

I totally agree with the above!!

**homesteadmamma** · 02-05-2006, 09:16 PM

I'd get the cleaning servie too. It sounds like something your not going to be able to work out.

Sorry your going through this and hope you can work something out

**leeleeaub** · 02-06-2006, 03:38 AM

I am a weird person. For 2 years I worked and hubby didn't. I did all the cleaning and cooking but that is the way I was raised. Now only he works and I still do it all and try my best to have his glass of tea before he even asks and refill it before he asks and have his clothes laid out and a ton of other stuff. But, again it is also because I was raised that way.

**MandiDawn** · 02-06-2006, 08:50 AM

Do you ask him to do things?
If I need help, I just ask.
When BF walks into bathroom, I say hey - throw that load of towels in the dryer. If he's sitting watching TV, I drop teh laundry basket in front of him and ask him to fold it. Some days I say "hey, I'm hungry, would you cook dinner tonight?" He works afternoons, so some days I will call from work and say "hey, can you unload the dishwasher and reload it?"
It's hard for them to just say "no" when you ask for a specific task. My BF just don't see the dirt, he really don't. At first I thought he was just lazy, but a few things made me realize that his mind just works different than mine, so I ask him to do specific things, and it's saved me a lot of disappointment.
I also said "I do not do outside work". I don't shovel snow and I don't mow grass or weedwack. So He does do that without me asking. I will water flowers or plants, but if the grass is up to our knees, well, it's up to our knees. He let it get bad a few times, but now he realizes that I WON'T do it, he just does it. And I compliment him every time.
Anyway, I'm rambling - the point is, just ask for specific things, start small. Even one load of laundry is better than nothing right?

**SewCrafty** · 02-06-2006, 10:34 AM

I think Mandi has some great advice, try it, sure can't hurt!

**SHOPGIRL** · 02-06-2006, 09:37 PM

I understand where your coming from. If he doesn't want to do anything, and he is willing to hire it done, then I'd go ahead and hire a lawn service and a cleaning lady once a week. Also, you shouldn't have to pay anything. Did his mother do everything for him?

Marriage isn't always 50/50. Hopefully, he fixes things around the house....

**marei** · 02-21-2006, 09:34 PM

I would hire a cleaning service and have him pay for it all cause they will be doing his half of the work, you will still have plenty to do and you won't get any help with it.

**Mamaw** · 02-21-2006, 09:54 PM

I think you need to have a conversation and literally ask him to do what you need him to! DH does not notice if the house is a mess. He will unload the dishwasher and maybe make the bed but that is the extent of it. He actually does not notice the floor needs mopping or the sweeper needs run. So now if I want something done, I ask him to do specific tasks. Otherwise it is all my responsibility inside the house. The outside is a different matter. I do not cut the grass, shovel snow or anything like that. I will help rake, tidy, weed and garden but the lawn is his problem. So, I vote that you ask him daily to do certain chores. And if he is napping...wake his butt up

**Maisiedotes** · 03-04-2006, 03:29 PM

Ah, I know how you feel. My DH does NOTHING around the house, other than the occasional laundry- he does his own and none of mine. When I do laundry I do mine AND his.

I have tried some things: he doesn't like to put the laundry I wash and fold in his bureau. I started piling it on his side of the bed (folded) so if he wants to go to bed, he has to do something with it. Sometimes it winds up on the floor, but when it is wrinkled or has dog hair on it, he is the one who has to suffer with it!

I hate to be mean about it, but I am at my wit's end (I know you know what I mean!) I wish I had a sure solution. But I can commisserate!