Article: What is the Tone in Your Home?

[Sara Noel]

Have you ever been out in public and observed a child being rude to one of his parents? Did you notice the tone of his rudeness and how his parents addressed him in return? I bet it was very similar. No matter how hard we try to remain calm when our child acts up, some of us who let our temper get the best of us can't help but match the tone of the child, letting it escalate until we have World War 3 on our hands.

Different stages of manipulation

Children are masters at getting under our skin. They know what words to use and exactly how to phrase them that will make us hot under the collar. Even as infants they are able to manipulate us using their cry until we catch on to what they're doing. When they get a little older they may go the tantrum route to try to get what they want.

And when they reach preschool age they are able to use the right words combined with the right tone to put us over the edge.

How to put a stop to it

One of the reasons an argument with a preschooler gets out of control is that we fall into the trap of matching their tone. It doesn't matter that we may get angry and raise our voices; at least they are getting what they want - attention in one form or another. Whining,for example, has to be the most annoying form of expression. If a preschooler speaks in a whiny voice, it is easy to answer in a whiny voice. You may nip the whine in the bud by answering a whine with a pleasant "we don't speak in that tone to one another". The key to changing any type of unacceptable tone is simply not to match it. No match, no game. It's as simple as that.


It takes practice to get results

Many of us don't realize when we are caught up in the tone game. It may well be our tone that we use with our children that gets them into trouble in the first place. Have you ever heard your child admonish another with your exact words? It may take a few tries until you succeed in changing the tone around your home. Here are some suggestions on how to start:

1.Recognize when your child is speaking to you in an inappropriate way. Try not to answer back in the same tone.
2.Take a few deep breaths to calm yourself down before answering him.
3.Though you might feel like you're overdoing it, talk in an overly sugar sweet tone. It will help you recognize how you should sound and will become more natural the more you use it.
4.Praise your child for speaking to you in a normal conversational voice. Positively reinforcing a more acceptable way of speaking will help him realize that he will be heard without having to yell or whine.

Remember, you are the one who is setting an example for your child.

The more you treat your child with respect and talk in a pleasant tone, the more your child will do the same.

Heidi Hoff
Editor, Preschool Planet
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[captclearance]

Thanks Sara, I learned this one from Robin years ago...... When they speak in an unacceptable way, I tell them so and have them start over and they have given a moments thought to what they really want to say and the best way to say it....... it works here.......