Update to employee handbook

[Julia Kimber]

Update to employee handbook


DRESS CODE

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada shoes, and carrying a Gucci Bag, we assume
you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so
that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If
you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

PERSONAL DAYS

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to
have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in
the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your
lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

RESTROOM USE

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a
strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes,
an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door
will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your
picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic
Offenders" category.

LUNCH BREAK

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so
that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch
to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get
5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim
Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation,
and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week!

THE MANAGEMENT

[Darlene]

Lol, that bathroom one is a doozy.

[Guest1]

I think these were the rules at one place I worked!!

[Milhos]

I used to work there, too! LOL!

[SewCrafty]