21st Century Virus

[Julia Kimber]

PAUL REVERE VIRUS
> This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It
> warns you of impending hard disk attack -- once if
> by LAN, twice if by C/:
>
> POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS
> Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to
> itself as an "electronic microorganism."
>
> RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS
> Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how
> old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it
> requires you to first see a counselor about possible
> alternatives.
>
> ROSS PEROT VIRUS
> Activates every component in your system, just
> before the whole damn thing quits.
>
> ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS
> Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back
>
> DAN QUAYLE VIRUS
> Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe jsut
> cant figyour out watt
>
> GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS
> Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says
> everything is fine.
>
> FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS
> Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little
> units, each of which does practically nothing, but
> all of which claim to be the most important part of
> your computer.
>
> GALLUP VIRUS
> Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38
> percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus
> or minus a 3.5 percent margin or error).
>
>
> TEXAS VIRUS
> Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
>
> JOHN BOBBIT VIRUS
> Removes a vital part of your hard disk then
> re-attaches it. (But that part will never work
> again.)
>
> HOUSE OF COMMONS VIRUS
> The computer locks up, screens splits erratically
> with a message appearing on each half blaming the
> other side for the problem.
>
> CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS
> Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously
> but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
>
> AIRLINE VIRUS
> You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
>
> AT&T VIRUS
> Every three minutes it tells you what great service
> you are getting.
>
> MCI VIRUS
> Every three minutes it reminds you that you're
> paying too much for the AT&T virus.
>
> FREUDIAN VIRUS
> Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own
> motherboard.
>
> PBS VIRUS
> Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for
> money.
>
> ELVIS VIRUS
> Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then
> self-destructs -- only to resurface at shopping
> malls and service stations across rural America.
>
>
> OLLIE NORTH VIRUS
> Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
>
> SEARS VIRUS
> Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables,
> power supply and a set of shocks.
>
> JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS
> Your programs can never be found again.
>
> KEVORKIAN VIRUS
> Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
>
> IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS
> Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot-up, then
> subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends
> it all on expensive shoes it purchases through
> Prodigy.
>
> STAR TREK VIRUS
> Invades your system in places where no virus has
> gone before.
>
> HEALTH CARE VIRUS
> Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and
> sends you a bill for $4,500.
>
> GEORGE BUSH VIRUS
> It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs ... no
> new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up
> all the free space on your hard drive with new
> files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.
>
> NEW YORK JETS VIRUS
> Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.
>
> LAPD VIRUS
> It claims it feels threatened by the other files on
> your PC and erases them in "self-defense."
>
> CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS
> Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in
> the reviews, but you still love it.
>
> ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS
> Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars,
> its programmer will take it back.
>
> O.J. VIRUS
> It claims that it did not, could not and would not
> delete two of your files and vows to find the virus
> that did it.