Martha Stewart did not RSVP

[fernykins]

Martha Stewart did not RSVP:

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving.
I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since
Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes:

Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag
luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter
how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have
the desired welcoming effect.

Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is not
decorated with the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage I
had planned to make. Instead, I've gotten the kids involved
in the decorating by having them track in colorful autumn
leaves from the front yard. The mud was their idea.

The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens,
fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use
dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this
IS thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic
Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last
Christmas.

Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and
flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a
hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest
construction paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey.

We will be dining fashionably late. The children will
entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to
share every choice comment I have made regarding
Thanksgiving, pilgrims, and the turkey hotline. Please
remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 a.m.
upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to
cut diamonds.

As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a
recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention
that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that
tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in
a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.

We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to
announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to
keep our traditional method. We've also decided against a
formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds,
please gather around the table and sit where you like.

In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at
a separate table. In a separate room. Next door.

Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving
a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This
will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the
turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress
"private" meaning: Do not, under any circumstances, enter
the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting
children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife.
The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will
eventually win. When I do, we will eat.

I would like to take this opportunity to remind my young
diners that "passing the rolls" is not a football play. Nor
is it a request to bean your brother in the head with warm
tasty bread. Oh, and one reminder for the adults: For the
duration of the meal, and especially while in the presence
of young diners, we will refer to the giblet gravy by its
lesser-known name: Cheese Sauce. If a young diner questions
you regarding the origins or type of Cheese Sauce, plead ignorance.

Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of
offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts,
we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished
with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will still
have a choice; take it or leave it.

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving.

She probably won't come next year either. I am thankful.


Fern

[halloweenfreak]

hahahhaha i especially like the turkey in the dryer part.

[Jskell911]

That's really cute! I actually have a sign in my entranceway that says" Martha Stewart Does Not Live Here, Deal With It" !

[emily_hope]

Funny!! My fav part:

As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a
recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention
that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that
tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in
a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.

That really cracked me up.

[nesta67]

Very cute!