Responses to relatives who think your frugal ways are crazy!!!

**larabelle** · 01-05-2008, 11:17 PM

Ladies and Gents how do you respond your high spending/nonfrugal relatives when they make derogatory comments about your frugal lifestyle?

OK, here goes. I told my brother about my budget and the many frugal ways which I planned to pay off my debts of which I have garnered many from this website (THANKS TO YOU LADIES AND GENTS!!)

My brother thinks I am nuts. When I shared with him my first step which is to establish a emergency fund he immediately went into an argument that establishing a emergency fund was a waste of money as emergencies do not present themselves very frequently. I thought to myself ...."OK if an emergency occurs I want to be prepared". (Of course I did not say this to him as I know that I would have been extremely sarcastic!!) I thought of all the high spenders in my family that my brother would be the one most likely to offer support because as I was visiting him at Thanksgiving I saw Dave Ramsey's book "The Total Money Makeover" laying on their kitchen counter. I later found out that neither my brother or sister in law have ever even opened the book!!

Now, mind you my brother and sister in law live in a new $250K home in an exclusive part of the city, drive new cars every two years, buy new expensive clothes on a regular basis, take regular expensive vacations, purchase expensive toys such as a huge screen TV, multiple exercise items and constantly go out to eat at expensive restaurants. However they do not have a penny in a savings account or emergency fund, have two daughters who will both be entering college in the next five years and do not have a penny toward a college fund and do not anticipate having enough money to contribute anything towards a fund. They are paying car payments/credit card payments/ furniture financing payments and are still paying on their own student loans. Then to top things off my sister in law tells me that they want to have their present home professionally decorated.

Oh by the way they are considering moving to a $350K home in the near future and they did not put any money down on their present home and do not anticipate placing any money down on the new home.

**larabelle** · 01-05-2008, 11:27 PM

I forgot to add that when I saw Dave Ramsey's book on the kitchen counter. I thought errouneously that my brother and sister in law were trying to change their high spending ways. I had no idea about the possible move to the $350K home in the more exclusive neighborhood or I never would have told him about my budget and frugal plans. You know the more I think I about it the crazier I think they are and the more I know that sooner or later they are going to have a financial crisis. Well, I am not going to let him discourage me. I will just keep paying off my debts because I have a feeling that one day they will living with me in my little house which I will have acquired by all of my frugal ways.

**lovestolaugh** · 01-05-2008, 11:31 PM

I think the reason your brother attacted your plan to get out of debt is because deep down he knows you are doing the responsible adult thing. You have heard the old saying "misery loves company" right? Well, if you change your ways and get out of debt then he might have to grow up and take responsibility for his debt. He is the conductor of the denial express and certainly doesn't want you to succeed and prove his living style wrong. My advice would be to not take his words to heart and realize they are being flung at you out of fear. I would say an extra prayer for him and his family, especially his kids. They will be the true losers when things fall apart. Trust me, they will eventually fall apart. It's only a question of when. Keep your head up and stay on the frugal village for support. We understand what your doing and we applaud for it. We are all struggling and need to support each other!
Good luck!

**forHISglory** · 01-05-2008, 11:41 PM

Yes, I've run into similar problems. But I've come to the conclusion that I can't change anybody.

One member of the family is a year younger than us. Due to our frugal ways, hubby and I were able to retire early. We didn't retire with great wealth, but we have enough. We were very careful and did without during our working years, and we still are very careful. It gets to me sometimes when this particular family member makes remarks like, "It must be nice", or "Some of us have to work for a living." This family member has a great job but in deep debt for things that never last: vacations, cars, clothes, etc. He said they won't be able to retire for another 15 years, but yet they refuse to change any habits. Hubby and I just shake our heads and keep our mouths shut.

**larabelle** · 01-05-2008, 11:43 PM

Thanks LovestoLaugh you are probably exactly right...and thanks to all of you who offer your advice and input here on the forum!!

**frugalfarmwife** · 01-06-2008, 01:28 AM

I've found that when people are defensive/attack that way they DO know that you're doing the right thing but don't want to admit it.

When I first really dug into frugality there were several I tried to "show the light", it didn't work and in fact they've at times almost made me bang my head in the wall in frustration. I've since learned to live and let live and watch karma do it's job.

Example: Hubbies SIL has ALWAYS been a snob to me, and always had the best cars, clothes, house, vacation, etc. Well now she and hubby have the bankruptcy to show for it. I did NOT go to Christmas with their family this year as I would have NOT been able to hold my tongue, lol.

I've had bill collectors bugging US this year for that brother, the other brother AND their mother, ARGHHH! Yep, average of 2 times a month the phone rings trying to contact one of them, that's one of the WONDERFUL things about having a very uncommon last name, we're ALL related.

Keep your head up, shoulders back and plug along, let others do/think what they may, you know what YOU want, you'll get it! I know I am

kj

**bumplett** · 01-06-2008, 01:35 AM

"It must be nice", or "Some of us have to work for a living."

I hear those same comments because I don't work full-time outside the home

I'm sooo curious - why did your brother have the book??? Did he buy it? was it a gift?

that's an odd book to have if you weren't interested in changing a thing or two -

**zakity** · 01-06-2008, 01:40 AM

I gently hint somewhat and gauge the person's reaction. I don't tell people about the frugal thing unless I know them well. I just tell them I don't have the money right now, which everyone can understand.

**bumplett** · 01-06-2008, 02:20 AM

yep, I like the "I just don't have the extra" approach - otherwise, I give up on every talking to anyone about such things - They look at you like you have two heads -

I'm so happy I have you guys ::hugs::

**Jamauk** · 01-06-2008, 02:58 AM

Originally Posted by forHISglory

Yes, I've run into similar problems. But I've come to the conclusion that I can't change anybody.

One member of the family is a year younger than us. Due to our frugal ways, hubby and I were able to retire early. We didn't retire with great wealth, but we have enough. We were very careful and did without during our working years, and we still are very careful. It gets to me sometimes when this particular family member makes remarks like, "It must be nice", or "Some of us have to work for a living." This family member has a great job but in deep debt for things that never last: vacations, cars, clothes, etc. He said they won't be able to retire for another 15 years, but yet they refuse to change any habits. Hubby and I just shake our heads and keep our mouths shut.

That is my inlaws. They could retire tomorrow and live perfectly well, however, they are not willing to give up the lifestyle they have now (they eat out at least 3x per week and spend exhorbatant $$$ on heavan only knows...new art work 3-4x per year, cruises, etc...). They want to continue living this way even after retirement, so they have to work another five years or so - FIL makes very very good money and they do have a quite a bit of savings, but it really annoys my DH to see his Dad work so hard because he's too stubborn to give up some of his lifestyle.

They've hit bottom, before, so it just baffles us. They had to file bankruptcy when DH was in highschool because of a failed business venture and they know what its like to be frugal - its almost as if they've decided they "paid their dues" and they don't want to do it anymore.

Fine - live and let live - but don't give us crap because we don't want to have to work that hard for that long. They love to ride us about our frugal ways - they think we've completely gone over the edge.....I just ignore it now.

**frugalfarmwife** · 01-06-2008, 03:07 AM

Originally Posted by Jamauk

Fine - live and let live - but don't give us crap because we don't want to have to work that hard for that long. They love to ride us about our frugal ways - they think we've completely gone over the edge.....I just ignore it now.

Don't you just love it? We've been given CRAP for YEARS by hubbies family for living on a "dirty old farm". Hey, it's OUR choice TOGETHER, I didn't steal him and brain wash him, lol. They have their fancy cars and fancy homes, and the big fancy bills to go with it!

On another note though, my frugality came from my mom. Dad was the spender, would buy a $500.00 suit when the electric was about to be shut off. Mom would rob peter to pay paul, and also catch grief from dad. When dad left mom went into super frugal mode and things were MUCH better, that woman can make copper wire out of a penny, lol.

kj

**monkeymia** · 01-06-2008, 03:15 AM

I think its the common case of putting someone down to make yourself feel better e.g. you see a person and think she has a big bum and it makes you feel better that you have a littler bum.

Don't take it to heart and keep up with the good work.

**qtkitty** · 01-06-2008, 03:49 AM

My Ex's mom thought i was down right batty, come to think of it she probubly still does *lol*.

She would throw money at her son all the time as if that was the way to show her love for him. She did the same with all of her grandchildren. But it never fixed the problems she was causing by her own manipulations through money.

Me on the other hand i lived frugally in a high money environment. She didn't know for years that i made my own laundry detergent so i wouldn't have to buy any, til her Son complained to her while they were out that i was making him use octagon to wash dishes. Poor BABY!!

I never got myself new clothes .. til i finally decided to seperate from my Ex right before i left i did buy some new clothes, because i had lost so much weight i could fit into a size 3x again. First time in 6 years i had gotten myself clothes of any kind!!

**homemaker66** · 01-06-2008, 06:48 AM

My family makes fun of us on how tight we are with the money. But you know what I let it go in one ear and out the other because I know that we will and are going to retire early. We will be young still and we can set back and make fun of them when that time comes.

**kaykwilts** · 01-06-2008, 07:22 AM

Want to make a bet that Dave Ramsey book lying on the counter was probably a Christmas gift from someone else trying to get the message about saving across to them? My bet is that they won't even open the book. They are living in debt up to their eyeballs and way over their head. It is going to catch up to them one day and they will wonder how it all happened.