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Getting Married While Facing a "Mount Everest" of Debt

4K views 35 replies 26 participants last post by  Anna43 
#1 · (Edited)
Hello!

My girlfriend and I have been dating for 8 years, going on 9 this coming February. We have waited this long to even consider marriage because 1) we didn't have the money to while in school, and 2) we did not want to distract from the happiness of a wedding with the stress of school and stuff. We wanted clear minds when we got married, and right now---despite our focus on debt---we certainly feel this way.

The only thing is that since we are in so much debt, I worry when the right time will be. We love being together, but at some point we have to take that next step. I know we both want this more than anything, but since we started our "debt snowball", we are nervous how long we will have to wait. We have a long way to go, so do we focus for a few more years and then think about getting married, or try to do so within the next year? We have plenty of time since we plan on being together anyway, but we're tired of playing house and want to make this official.

We aren't looking for a big wedding, so rest assured I am not looking at making another huge mistake by blowing like $20k-$30k on it with money we don't have, or want to waste. We also don't want to get married at a court house. We would almost like to do something on our own. We want to have different guests attend, but have seen from her sister's wedding firsthand how crazy stuff gets with the pressure from all fronts about guest lists. Her sister ended up inviting like 350 people---most of the people her and her husband don't even talk to---and her father feeling guilt for not being able to do as much as he wanted because of his financial situation, decided to take out $20k from a Home Equity Line of Credit. Bad idea, and they are paying dearly for it now. In all, her sister's wedding cost around $50k and all they got back in gifts was $10k. We are not looking to go into the hole $40k just to say we had a nice wedding. Last time I checked, whether a person has a $1k wedding or a $100k "Bridezilla" wedding, the couple is typically married at the end of the ceremony.

For all you out there who are in a similar circumstance or who have already experienced this situation, what is your take? I know that Dave Ramsey says---or at least I thought I heard him say---that a couple should never delay getting married or having children for the sake of the "debt snowball", but there are certainly limits on what can be spent. I am pretty sure his philosophy is to spend no more than 1 month's salary on an engagement ring and to keep the wedding short, sweet, and within a tight budget. I remember him saying that he only spent approximately $1,100 on his wife's engagement ring back in the 70s. But, even with inflation, that isn't more than $3k or so these days.

I definitely have some thinking to do. I love her very much. I know she will be happy with whatever we decide to do, but I am ready to take that next step within the next few years. After 8 years of dating, most people would say it's time to "shhhhh or get off the pot." I love her, so I think I'll stay on the pot for many years to come regardless of how we proceed.

In the process of going from debt to set,

-Steven
 
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#2 ·
Our daughter is planning on getting married in April and plans to still work on their debt until and after they get married...

She is not a big wedding person, but also doesn't want to do courthouse, so their going to Vegas to get married (like me and hubby did).. She is inviting a small amount of people that are paying their own way..
 
#3 ·
DH and I had a decent sized wedding and looking back, I wish we would have done something simple- we're just not the type of people that like a lot of fuss.

You could have it in a small church and then have the reception there- lots of churches have common areas where you can have some tables and a buffet.

Do a destination wedding- like Syn D suggested in Vegas or maybe Hawaii.

Not sure if you're ok with this, but you could find a nice engagement ring at a pawn shop or off of Craigslists.
 
#4 ·
Musings from the 60 year old new kid on the block...

You are 28 years old, and should know by now the dangers of debt. I suggest that both of you set a goal that for the next year you will work on paying off credit card debt, and learn to live within your means by buying ONLY things that you can pay for with CASH. If you eat out more than once a week (including lunches), there is a huge savings by making your own meals and brown-bagging a lunch each day. Don't get sucked in by peer pressure to go bar hopping and buying elaborate meals (that you cannot afford), because you will only end up with more debt. Invite friends to come to your place for a nice evening and have them bring a steak and their own beverage of choice. If anyone says anything condescending, just tell them you are making a better life for yourselves, and if they are true friends, they will support you. Do either of you have a financial cushion of at least 6 months pay in savings in case either one or both of you lose your jobs? If not, how would you handle a job loss if you were married? Most married couple NEED both incomes because they want to have it all right now, and consequently end up in credit card hell because of it.

If you can discipline yourself to do this you will create new habits to carry into a marriage, and may even find that you are accumulating savings in the process. If not, you don't want to know what my prediction for your marriage will be. Keep in mind that the number one argument in marriages today is MONEY, and it's usually the lack of it. Get a handle on your finances now to have a happy marriage down the road. Your love for each other will still be there in a year, then you can talk about getting married.
 
#25 ·
We Have $0 Credit Card Debt



Hey Joe!

One more thing. We actually have NO credit card debt. Never have, my friend. The only two debts we have are school loans and our cars. We won't ever buy a new car again. From now on, we are going with at least 2-year old cars. The savings is amazing.

In regard to packing lunches, making a plan, tracking our spending type stuff: Done! We do all that (documenting our progress in a blog; the title is below if you are interested in taking a look). That is how we cut our grocery budget from $768 in January to what it has been the past 3 months: $300 for the whole month. In regard to eating out, sparingly, if at all. For instance, in June, we spent $0 eating out. Nada! I take a lot of crap from co-workers for it, but I like keeping the $$$ I work many hours to make.

I totally agree with you on money problems tearing marriages apart. I have friends my age who are already on their second marriage. We are just fine in that department because we have a plan and are executing it perfectly---literally. $15k in debt paid off in 3 months. Yay!

Have a great evening!

In the process of going from debt to set,

-Steven
 
#5 ·
Ceashels and I married in a local Methodist chapel about 200 years old with a Navajoes Medicine Woman presiding. We had about 15 guests all told, and had a lovely quiet dinner at a local steak house. Cea made her own gown and I wore a nice suit. We spent all told about $2,500 and most of that was on dinner.

The wedding is a show. The marriage is your life. Don't get hung up on the show, that's not the important bit.
 
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#6 ·
Look. Just go to the Courthouse. get a licence and get married there.It's legally binding justas much as a church wedding.I don't see the problem. Why do people want to waste so much money on getting married? I have NEVER understood that. It's just brainwashing from folks who have nothing better to do with their money and from the wedding businesses.
Get married NOW at the courthouse if you absolutely MUST be married, then LATER when you can afford a nice service have a wedding or Vow renewal with the bells and whistles.

Geesh people, this is not brain surgery. THINK!
 
#12 ·
Look. Just go to the Courthouse. get a licence and get married there.It's legally binding justas much as a church wedding.I don't see the problem. Why do people want to waste so much money on getting married? I have NEVER understood that. It's just brainwashing from folks who have nothing better to do with their money and from the wedding businesses.
Get married NOW at the courthouse if you absolutely MUST be married, then LATER when you can afford a nice service have a wedding or Vow renewal with the bells and whistles.

Geesh people, this is not brain surgery. THINK!
You're correct, it's more serious than brain surgery. With over half of the marriages today ending in divorce, there is no reason to go into a marriage with the baggage of debt overload. This couple are co-conspirators in money mismanagement, by their own admission, and are basically enabling each other to continue this behavior. If they do not take time to change their ways, they will end up not only divorced, but most probably bankrupt as well. If you think they had baggage before, try getting remarried with an ex in the picture as well as a bankruptcy. Yeah, you'll look like a real good catch...NOT.

Without changes over time that both participate in, their future looks like too many others who want it all and they want it now...disaster!

JMHO

Joe
 
#7 ·
My ex and I eloped and then each of our families threw us a reception. The reception, for us, was what mattered. We have pictures of the wedding and pictures of the reception just like everyone else except that family are in the reception pictures. We did separate receptions because of the distance between families, we didn't want to force either side to have to travel when it was cheaper for us as a couple to go to them. Neither reception was a huge cost, both of our families are very frugal so it consisted of favorite restaurants, not big reception halls. We didn't have open bars or anything like that, it was all very frugal, relaxed, and fun! I dressed in my wedding dress to both events so I got to wear my dress (which I scored for only $125 by the way) three times instead of just once. I have no regrets on the wedding and receptions, it was really nice! We were married on Valentine's day, had a horse & carriage ride around a lake with the carriage all decorated, "Just Married", cans tied to it, TOO CUTE. Very fond memories of it all.

My current bf and I plan to do this for our wedding as well. He had the "big blow out wedding" with his ex and was relieved I didn't want to go through that. We are long distance, so once again the reception will be us traveling to each side of the family.

Hope this helps. Its a day to be celebrated, don't go cheap, but don't dig yourselves a financial grave either.
 
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#8 ·
i had the huge wedding against my will and it was a colossal waste of money.

all you need to get married:
officiant at church or temple or courthouse
the pretty "side chapel" of the church
a few family and friends as guests
wedding bands from walmart
license
and go out to lunch after.

i would not do the courthouse/do-over weddding because those don't go over well with guests, besides, what's the point?

i strongly recommend church/temple wedding if you are a church/temple going person. you will not be happy if you don't.

you can get her a diamond ring after you are done with the debt repayment program

i would be proud to wear these

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=190556731535&ssPageName=STRK:MEWAX:VRI
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dl...eName=STRK:MEWAX:VRI&_trksid=p3984.m159.l1634
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=370497496861&ssPageName=STRK:MEWAX:IT
 
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#9 ·
I was in your exact situation (well sort of; instead of "debt", replace with "low income").

My husband and I got married at the Greek equivalent of the courthouse. It cost €250, most of that was paperwork (there was a lot because I am a foreigner) although we also spent €35 on a dress and €25 on shoes for me. We had 2 witnesses plus another 4 "guests" (people who happened to be there at the same time). That's it.

My only regret is that I spent so much time worrying about how we would eventually afford our "real wedding" with 80 guests and all that stuff. If we can afford it (for real afford it) some day, we might do it, but for now, we're just enjoying being married.

Honestly, just do it. The wedding isn't the good part; the good part is the marriage after the wedding. Putting it off forever is just delaying the good part! No point to that that I can see. You'll always be able to do a "vow renewal" at some future time if you want a big party.

As far as engagement rings go... my husband designed mine, and it's a ruby solitaire instead of a diamond. It was probably much less expensive, it's very beautiful, and I much prefer it aesthetically over the large diamond solitaire that I am in line to inherit that I think looks ridiculous. Many women don't even want a diamond - I sure didn't. When I see them, I can't help but think sarcastically "wow, she sure has an imaginative husband." LOL! One of my closest friends has a blue sapphire solitaire engagement ring and it's gorgeous too.

But you don't need to do a ring at all if that's not a big deal to you. We did it because it was a big deal to us - that's the only reason. We also did it before we our finances went in the toilet for events beyond our control - if we had to do it all over again, I'm 99% sure I wouldn't have the ring, and I'm 100% sure I wouldn't be any less happy or in love with my husband!
 
#10 ·
First, I commend you for not wanting to add to your debt with something as wasteful as a huge wedding. I agree with the other poster who said you should spend a year and set a debt paydown goal and kill as much of that debt as possible first. And I'll add that using that time to start a 'wedding fund' is not a bad idea either. Really knuckle down and do it. It'll be tough at first but as a couple you need to learn to deal with stuff like this together.

You can have a nice small church or chapel wedding and reception for about $3000, no problem. Your fiance doesn't need a $10000 dress, there are many very beautiful ones under $200. Likewise you do not "need" most of the crap that is being sold for weddings like matchbooks, napkins and disposable decorations. Just think of the reception as a big party and you'll do fine.

Have a quiet ceremony in front of the judge with your parents and then go meet everyone for an afternoon reception with sandwiches, cake and punch. You're old enough now that you can dictate the terms of your ceremony to meddling relatives. And if you think too many people want to be invited, and have to to keep the family peace, then have a big potluck picnic in the park instead of a traditional reception.
 
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G
#11 ·
We spent less on our wedding, but it wasn't a courthouse wedding. We spent about $7K. It was perfect for us. Could we have done it cheaper at the courthouse? Sure. But we did what was meaningful and important to us.

If I were you, I'd figure out a wedding budget - $5k, 10K, whatever. Believe it or not, there is a middle ground between "I spent $50K and had my dress custom ordered with fresh flowers flown in from across the country" and "I only spent $.50 on a cheap washer to use as a wedding ring." Once you have a budget figured out, start saving for it and figure out a reasonable deadline - if it will take 2 years to save $5K, then start planning for July 2014.

It's kind of like goal setting - it doesn't work to say "I want to get out of debt someday" - you need to set concrete goals and action steps. Otherwise "someday" won't happen. If you don't actually make a plan to get married with action steps, then it will just be another "someday"
 
#13 ·
Do you want to have a wedding reception to share the celebration of your marriage with your nearest and dearest, or to throw a killer party that everyone will talk about for weeks to come? I think needing a huge dress, expensive ring, absurd number of guests, open bar, etc is more about vanity than celebrating the marriage of two people. Just my humble opinion, and I don't mean to offend anyone who enjoyed a big wedding by it.
 
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#14 ·
I think that you've set yourself up. You've already committed to this lady....but 'couldn't' get married while in school....'can't get married' until the debt is paid off~I'm assuming that if you DO decide to have kids...you won't consider it until the debt is paid off. ~while it's nice to have such a concrete plan....to me you are putting off living life until things fall into place a certain way.

Oh yeah...her sister's wedding?? Craziness I tell ya~! I can almost see a home equity line of credit for an education...but a wedding???? OMG!
BTW~This is My Own Personal Opinion~!
 
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#15 ·
Since you don't want the Courthouse nor an elaborate wedding - How about booking an officiant and only inviting THE most intimate of friends and family to witness and have the wedding by the lake or somewhere very special to you both? Very elegant and intimate. Go out for a celebratory meal after :)

DF and I found a 'one stop shop' venue that does/provides everything. They had several packages available with the simplest starting at $99 going up to $10K with the more elaborate. All we're doing is showing up with the marriage lic & guests. :) Try looking for venues like that near you.
 
#16 ·
Hubby and I got married in friend's backyard, on the river at sunset, by a JP and served 'finger foods' we had picked up at the store along with booze. Had maybe 30-40 people there, spent about $3500 total, including a honeymoon on Mayan Riviera. Most was cash.That was 6 years ago, never once regretted it, it was perfect. Have heard from multiple friends how much they regret even their $10k weddings they're still paying off, 3+ years late.
 
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#17 ·
I'm currently planning my wedding.

Set a date, a frugal budget, and save. I worked 6 extra hours a week for a year as a tutor to pay for my wedding. I refused to dip into my savings.

You'd amaze at how creative and frugal you can get but still look nice---Google Images and the Offbeat Brides website are my new best friends. Theknot.com has a DIY board.

We are getting married on the beach by our friend who is getting ordained. Our reception is at a historical building that has a gorgeous garden which means I don't have to buy flowers. My bouquets are made from paper flowers. Don't have a wedding party and you've saved yourself a lot of money (gifts, rehearsal dinner) We are having a bbq rehearsal dinner at his parents' house.

There are so many ways to cut out of the "traditional" pattern.

There are plenty of places to purchase inexpensive wedding bands or rings. My fiance designed my e-ring and we are exchanging inexpensive engraved wedding bands.

Wedding dresses off the rack are quite inexpensive, sometimes you can find them at Goodwill, or even buy a white (or whatever color) bridesmaid or prom dress.



My invitations, save the date magnets, Madlibs RSVP cards, along with some small gifts for the Brides Babes, and misc. other wedding stuff came from Vista Print. Free <~my favorite word + postage.

How-to here: A Bride's Guide to Vista Print - Home.

Here is an amazing list of great information--

Wedding Freebies

This might be a helpful site: $2k weddings

2000 Dollar Budget Wedding


I've got wedding on my brain! :)

There is no right or wrong way....just make the day about you two :)
 
#18 ·
I just celebrated my fourth wedding anniversary and we had the big catholic wedding with 120 guests and we loved every second of it with no regrets (we paid cash for everything).

We have wonderful friends who lent us their backyard on the ocean, my sister did my hair and makeup as a gift, other friends provided the music, flowers and much of the food, and my ring was originally given to his grandmother for her 40th wedding anniversary. We loved so many things about the wedding because so many friends and family gave their hearts and talents.

You can do a great wedding on the cheap, you just have to think it through.

And fwiw, we did a prenup to protect me from my husband's business debts. If I knew the full extent of them, I wouldn't have married him until they were settled.
 
#24 · (Edited)
Awesome Idea!

Oh heck, just go to Walmart and get married.
Hi Russ!

You know, that doesn't sound half bad. I am guessing Walmart would like the publicity. We could get it over with really quick too. Just go back to the dressing rooms and have a "private" ceremony there. That would be hilarious.

Have a great evening!

In the process of going from debt to set,

-Steven
 
#20 ·
My wife and I got married at a local rec center, decorated by us. We had a pastor from our church, and food cooked by me. The reception was in the same room we got married in, no assigned seating or DJ. We had about 130 guests, I think. We paid for our bridesmaid's dresses, which we let them pick out to actually wear once the wedding was over. We paid for the groomsmen's tuxes, so they wouldn't have to worry about coming up with that money. We had a professional photographer, although she was a family friend that went through photography college.

We paid for everything, had an excellent time, and the people I trust to give me honest answers told us it was one of the best weddings they have been to. Unlike a lot of people, neither of us wishes we would have done something different, or not at all.

Our total amount was about $3400. We saved for a while, and picked up things, such as decorations and invitations, as we came across good deals. I'm a relatively decent cook, and cooked up most of the food the day before the wedding. It was very casual, to the point where we were telling our guests to show up in shorts and flip flops if they wanted.

We did have some pressure from certain parts of the family, but were easily squashed because we were paying for everything. It was our wedding, we were doing it our way, and we didn't have to kowtow to anyone else's ideas. Assigned seating and a head table was out of the question.


If you are able to save up the cash, without hurting yourselves financially elsewhere (beyond some money lost to interest), I say go for it. Make a budget, STICK to your budget, be willing to make compromises, don't do what other people want you to, but take their advice. Look at renting decorations, used dresses, or the always cool backyard shindigs.

As an aside, being married helped to reinvigorate our desire to pay off debt. We started following budgets much more closely, and have paid off far more than we would have without getting married.
 
#21 ·
Dh & I had a courthouse wedding. My aunt & uncle were the witnesses. The paperwork there was ~$60. My dress was from Dillards ($90) I wore shoes I already had... Dh had slacks and we got him a dress shirt, and tie (~$30)...he wore dress shoes he already had. My bouquet was ~$35 (mom and dad paid for), corsage for aunt $8. My uncle took the pictures (and did a GREAT job!!). We had TONS of copies printed (~$80). We all went out to eat at Olive Garden afterward (~$50). Our mini-honeymoon was a night at a B&B (paid for by aunt & uncle). We sent out announcements we made and printed at home that were fun and suited us (+ postage and printing it was less than $20).

So, the whole thing was under ~$350...and was a wonderful, memorable day! It's been 11 years and counting...

I know people who've spent thousands and thousands on their weddings and are divorced...and I know you're not talking about a $10K wedding or anything...just saying you can have a memorable day for even $500.

We had debt going in...it wasn't a horrid amount, but was there nonetheless. If you're best friends and committed to stick it out through thick and thin, you're only stronger together... Get married and enjoy it. :) Good luck! :D
 
#26 ·
I don't have Twitter, but I have been able to access a few things on your blog. You and Fran are doing wonderful things with your food budget and the food variety and recipes do not sound boring.

You truly seem so committed to each other and you both are willing to cut out whatever you have to, to pay off debt. You are doing a wonderful job on paying down your debt in such a short time.

I really think that the two of you will enhance each other in marriage. If I were you, I would make this very long awaited step.

As far as weddings, for mine, my wedding dress was on clearance at the bridal shop and it was beautiful. The bridesmaids dresses came out of the JCPenney catalog and we let them wear their own shoes. The groom, groomsmen and both dads rented tuxes for the day. The groom and each groomsmen wore a single rose on their tuxedo. The bridesmaids carried carnation bouquets with two different colors of carnations. The matron of honor had the same bouquet as the bridesmaids with the addition of 6 roses. I had a carnation and 12 rose bouquet. We had no ring bearer or flower girl. Our reception was in the fellowship hall of the church and we served cut up sub style sandwiches from a grocery store deli, potato and macaroni salad and an relish tray. We had a beautiful cake, but it really was too big. What most people do these days is have a very small one layer really decorated cake and then in the background is decorated sheet cake the same flavor as the bridal cake. This is a great savings.

I wouldn't go cheap on the rings, but do choose a medium range priced ring from a less expensive jeweler like Zales.

Let us know how everything unfolds. I would love to rejoice with you.

auntie2many
 
#27 ·
First of all I love your name From debt to set. I really see you are on the right track and how great it is that you are both on board. IMO you are sooo ahead of most at your age with 0 credit card debt.
I got married 36 years ago Sept 5 and "society", the halls, and the jewelers have all led people to believe they have to have all this craziness to have a happy life. What a bunch of C***!!!!!
Rings are supposed to be so many months pay? "According to who? Of course, the jewelers!"
Short story; I went to a KofC Park for a picnic and lost the diamond in my wedding ring. My sister said "Aren't you so upset?" I said and meant it, "I still have the guy and that is what is important!!"
Another example of how people are important and not THINGS!!
 
#28 ·
DH and I got married May 20, 2010 and all-in-all, including rings and the honeymoon, we spent $12K. Which was pretty decent considering what we got- the works.

To keep costs down, we made a list of things we really, really wanted (an awesome honeymoon which turned out to be a 7-day cruise to Mexico in the penthouse suite on the ship) and things we didn't give a damn about (rings- mine is a family heirloom [read: free], which is great because I only wear it very rarely due to my skin reacting badly with metals. We got DH's ring from Overstock.Com for $30, including shipping.)

We saved by utilizing our family's talents. DH's mom is an amazing seamstress and his dad works with leather, so his parents made our outfits. If you're wondering why leather is even in the picture, DH and I had a medieval-themed wedding and he made my husband's boots and bracers.

I am a huge DIY-er so I made all of the invitations, menus, seating chart, and place cards myself. I also made mine and my bridesmaid's bouquets with flowers that were on clearance at Michaels. A good resource for tutorials and ideas is Craftster.Org's "Special Occasion" forums.

Use your imagination. You guys can have a ton of fun with it and not go broke- just figure out what you want and what you don't have to have. And BTW, :congrats:
 
#29 ·
Our wedding (from 1995 mind you) cost less than $2000 total, including a short honeymoon to the Coast (like $400). That $2000 included the cost of flying my brother out here from the midwest so that he could give me away (like $400). My sister made the veil, the boutaneers (sp?), and the bouquets (fake flowers). We got married in Grandma's back yard. We rented a trellis and my sister decorated it with fake flowers and rafia (sp?) ribbon stuff. We used a boombox and bought a "wedding cd" for the wedding march. DH wore a suit we bought for him for interviews. I wore a cream suit (think it was like $50). We had cake (sheet cake from Costco) and ice cream immediately after the wedding. We also had to pay a minister, but, now, I would have had a friend get ordained and had them perform it.

Had we had different circumstances, it would have been nice to do it a little differently and take our time with planning. But, we did the "oh crap, guess we have to get married now instead of later" thing. Our oldest was born like six months after we got married. We had been living together for like 2 1/2 years before we got pregnant. We were going to get married, nothing had been set yet. He just sort of hurried it along a little.

And, we didn't have to get married. But, I refused to put the oldest under DH's last name if we weren't married. DH wasn't too happy about that, so we did the whole marriage thing.
 
#30 ·
***I'm feeling like he was trolling for blog readers.

*If he has it so 'under control'....why is he here?
 
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