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Tired: DH and I argue about $$ too much!!

4K views 30 replies 26 participants last post by  khaski 
#1 ·
Does anyone else struggle with arguing about $ with their spouse? DH does not help with bills, he opens them when he gets the mail, says a negative comment , then lets me worry and pay them, he says he is tired of living pay to pay, but then he will have cash in his wallet, and debits gas and other things w/o me knowing it until I see it on our account while trying to pay bills. I also, work, but have a separate account cuz I thought I needed to feel a bit empowered too, but it really isn't working out for us, when I question him about the stupid debit card, he starts saying things about my account. I don't have a debit card to our joint account and don't take $$ out of it, except for some groceries, I use my account for gas, smokes, gifts, etc. I don't make much $$, but have decent health ins. for our family, which comesout of my paycheck. We have been married for 28 yrs, you'd think we could get this right by this point in ou lives. It has been stressful putting 3 kids thru college, and one gettin married in June, plus, we have both had some medical bills which we owe$2400.00 for. How do I get this right??? I am changing my direct deposit to our joint acct.closing my other acct. and ordered debit card to our joint acct. He drives me nuts, we just cannot get this together...we have had trying doin bills together, and it doesn't last, I think he doesn't want the stress of it, and it easier then to blame me. HELP!!!!
 
#4 ·
Yes he needs cash, and sounds like you should manage the main checking account. So you let him know what is coming out will be the bills and groceries and gas.
Ask him what he feels would be a fair allowance for him. Maybe he will have a lower amount than what you think might be fair.
You should have a allowance also if the money becomes a joint account.

In this household, I manage the checking account. He knows how tight I am with things and does not question things. However when he makes some OT, he likes a trip to the store so he can get what he wants. Within reason. I tell him NO lots of times. He also works a part time job in the better weather and that is his money to do anything he wants with. It works for us.
He gets a small allowance that he uses for breakfast during the winter when he is working. He likes eating out. He used to get his gas money as cash but once in awhile, it didn't make it into the tank, and had to come out of the budget a second time. No longer. We do what we have to do to make the budget work.
 
#5 ·
Hi there,

First, I was told once (in a Marriage seminar, no less) that even among the well-to-do, money is the thing most often argued about. It is the thing used to reach goals, it is the thing we use to feel secure and to pamper ourselves and others... We want to have enough of it to enjoy, but also to save...

Hubs and I have been married for 17 years this April, and honestly, money was easier when we had less of it. He could understand "we can't afford ANYTHING." These days, there's enough money to do SOME of what I want and SOME of what he wants... but nobody gets everything they want... and that leads to squabbles because now we have to prioritize beyond the "needs." He would never argue that we need an XBox more than we need heat... but he'll happily argue that he needs that new $60 game at the expense of something equally frivolous that *I* want.

And it's hard, because I don't "want" much, so when I can't have the very-little I do want, it's really upsetting to me, because it feels unfair.

I second what a PP said about keeping your own account. Hubs and I each have our own account and we are each responsible for different parts of the budget, with those responsibilities changing over the years. An old roomate of mine had his/hers/ours accounts when she got married. They worked out what the bills were, what the savings goals were, what their joint purchases would be, and they contributed equally into the "ours" account, from which all household bills were paid. Whatever was left after the transfer was his or hers to spend on whatever they wanted. In that case, they were (are) childless by choice, so that helps keep the Murphies away, I think.

It is *VERY* difficult living with a single checking account, I warn you! It's too easy for you both to spend the same $100 without realizing it. I have access to Hubs' account and he has access to mine, but he never ever uses mine (because he knows mine is zero-based) and I only use his when I am making a purchase on his behalf (ie- if he needs to send flowers to his mother, he's totally paying for that, but I'll usually do the selection because (a) I have way better taste (b)I can usually find a discount or kickback that he wouldn't bother with.)

It sounds like you and your husband need to agree on a budget and goals... maybe there's something he wants that he feels he'll never get because of you (or vice versa.) As long as my husband keeps buying himself toys, I'll never buy myself a greenhouse, because I'll always want to put "my share" of the money toward practical things. On the other hand, he could argue that all the money I put into feeding my nieces and nephew (my sister is widowed and struggles) keeps him from having something HE wants.

In fact, he's pulled that card before, and I was able to show him with my banking software that he spent more on legos alone than I did in all combined support to my nieces/nephew, which shut him up. It wasn't a "HAH! take that!" moment, it was just that he always sees me giving them clothes, food, school supplies... whatever they need within reason, and he assumed it was more money than it was, because I buy on sale, tuck away, etc. He doesn't understand that. He tolerates it, but doesn't understand it.

Money is a symbol. It's not what you're really quarreling about. What you're really quarreling about is goals, dreams, personal worth, values, and whether or not you feel taken care of in your relationship. That's what you really need to talk about. Best of luck. :)
 
#26 ·
Money is a symbol. It's not what you're really quarreling about. What you're really quarreling about is goals, dreams, personal worth, values, and whether or not you feel taken care of in your relationship. That's what you really need to talk about. Best of luck. :)
I think you've really hit on something here. Money is such an emotionally charged subject that it can be impossible to see anything else. Its an easy "target" that distracts our attention from other issues.
 
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#6 ·
We don't argue about money, we made that agreement before we married.

My hubby doesn't open the bills, he just hands them to me. He earns the money, signs his check over to me (account is in my name only) and that's it. Once in a while he will complain about living check to check, but not to much.

As he tells people "the only time I see my check is when I pick it up to when I hand it to her, which is about 5 min., after that, I don't know how much money we have" ;)
 
#7 ·
Sounds kind of backwards since you're supposed to function as 'one' but what about having 4 accounts? His, hers, joint checking & joint savings account.

The things you'd both have to agree upon:
* you will be the primary person controlling/dealing with the money ie paying bills
* agree upon an allowance amount that you both shall receive on paydays that you will transfer on paydays into the appropriate accounts. (money can be spent on whatever you want - blow money, no accountability)
* you will transfer money to savings account on paydays
* the money left in the joint account should be for paying bills only and neither of you are allowed to take from it should your allowances be spent sooner then the next payday arrives
 
#11 ·
In addition to everyone's post which I agree with - I just want to second this post. Excellent advice.
 
#8 ·
I don't see anything wrong with keeping your own account. i don't personally but I know lots of people that do because they like the feeling of security. It is very unfair for one spouse to blame the the other like you said he is doing. Have you had a big talk about how it makes you feel when he blames you? You can't be expected to keep a balance when you don't get receipts etc. From conversation with friends who have money fight issues it seems the biggest issues have been lack of very clear communication and goals or someone acting like a bratty kid.

We had 1 fight about $ once. Hubby makes most of it and I manage all of it.He complained and I handed everything to him and told him to take over now. He got a good look at everything and said he was sorry.
 
#9 ·
DH and I don't argue about money, but he does frustrate me at times. It is a struggle having the one joint checking account with two debit cards. Miscommunications and just plain mistakes have made balancing all the bills a struggle sometimes. From experience, if you are already having problems managing the main account because he can pull money from it I wouldn't drop down to just that one account...the problem will still be there. I opened another joint checking account at our credit union. I only had them issue one debit card for the account and no checks. This second account is only for paying bills! Every payday I move money around (savings and second checking) and what is left in the main checking account is our household/spending money for the week. The Bill Account is totally separate and cannot be skimmed off during the month. It does cost us another $1 per month, but the reduction in stress is worth it.
 
#12 ·
Buckeye5 - I think everybody fights or at least has feelings about how money is spent or earned. There are as many solutions and models as there are people - In high school, YEARS ago, I had a friend whose parents used to sit down each pay day and figure out what each of them had to contribute for house payments, utilities, and food. I always thought it was unfair, the Dad made a lot more than the Mom but they both paid half of the family bills. The model I grew up with was my Dad handing over the check and my Mom handling it all.
In my case, both my DH's check and mine are deposited into a joint account and my hubby gets a weekly 'allowance' to cover his must haves - Mocha's and whatever.

I would recommend using a joint account with no debit cards but keeping your account or at least setting up an automatic withdrawal of a small amount of dollars to a second account. I think Suze Orman talks about women having at least a months worth of money set aside for themselves. It's probably more but I don't remember the exact amount. In my case, my 'Suze Orman' fund turned into our baby emergency fund when we decided to get out of debt. [Debt that came about because, since 2008, I have been experiencing all of the fun that has come about with the "great depression" and tried to fill in the hole with credit cards - WAY STUPID.]

Good luck!
 
#13 ·
My bf and I have separate bank accounts. He gives me money towards the bills each month, a set amount. Sometimes it ends up being more than half the bills, sometimes less. Groceries are kind of split, I get the majority. He likes soda and junk that I don't usually buy. As long as he gives me the money towards the bills, I don't care what he does with the rest of his money. It helps that we aren't married so it doesn't effect my credit if he messes up.
We fight more about wasting electricity, water and messes. I end up doing all the housework even though I work full time also. He seems to think I am a replacement for his mommy that he used to live with. Occasionally he will do something to help around the house but does it so poorly that I have to re-do it anyway. He is rarely in a good mood and it really makes life miserable. I feel like a prisoner in my own house!
 
#14 ·
Dh and I have had one acct. for 28 yrs. I run the bills and he makes the money.
If he wants cash he does side jobs. I dont take an allowance. For years he thought I had a "secret acct" where all the money was going so I got mad and give him an acct of nearly every pennny via a budget and then a sheet per actual spending.
We took the D.R. course so he understood budgets and money better. I still do the budget and make the daily decisions but we tell each other about lg. purchases coming up. And neither one of us desire too much anymore.

This is not to say DH's old "might as well" purchasing attitude doesnt come up. But its harder to dispute in black and white. I still need him to monitor the CC's though. Thats his next learning.lol
As far as the debit cards he doesnt use them unless I say because I monitor the money. I do try to find extra cash to suprise him w/ but we are both on the heavy debt snowball trail.
 
#15 ·
Why don't you let him take care of the entire budget for a couple of months! Let him be responsible and learn what you are up against. Sometimes one person takes care of certain jobs and the other person becomes oblivious to what really happens.
This is what converted my husband. I'd always done the bills and he was convinced I was a scrooge. After he did them for a few months he turned them back over to me, but he didn't complain anymore. That was over 10 years ago.
 
#17 ·
thanks for of all for the responses..I have let DH do the bills, guess what, he forgot to pay 2 and we had a late charge, still not sure how we are going to do things though, we started to have a conversation and then it began to get loud, so we quit. It will have to be addressed soon, cuz I am tired of it.
 
#19 ·
Money is easy to argue about because it's easily quantifiable. It's hard to quantify how "happy" a person is, but it's easy to see how much money is going out the door.

The bulk of this problem isn't how you guys are handling your money, it's your lack of communication. Setting aside a time to have a calm discussion, emphasizing that it must remain calm, is really the first step you're going to have to implement. Decide a time, make it known in the beginning that it shouldn't get heated, and if it starts to, acknowledge that you need to take a 5 minute break. Let each other know the wants, needs, and income options. Speak in "we" and "us" terms, not "you" and "I" terms. Don't accuse, and try to push aside emotions as much as possible.
 
#21 ·
mndtrp-God love ya,you made me laugh. Dh is not a detail person and can come up w/ no ideas relating to tracking money even AFTER the 16 week D.R. class. He will just kinda sit there and shrug.
I am the financially minded,retentive,detail oriented person. He is the makes more money than I ever will risk taker. After 32 yrs. we know who we are.
He agrees to a course but cannot maintain it. Not being sneaky but just ADD.
Each person needs to be allowed to play to their strengths.

Nadders11- DH would say "how should I pay for the gas?" meaning Debit or credit. I always say credit and monitor online. I track about how much we use per month w/ some leeway and prepay the CC every pay period to acct. for it. Any extra just covers any residual balance.
 
#23 ·
Dh and I have on joint checking account with one joint savings account attached. We discuss almost daily how much money there is, what bills are coming up, whether we think there is enough until next paycheck, or whether we should book some money to or from the savings account. We tried working with 2 accounts, but it was too complex, I don't have time, energy and brain space to keep track of that many accounts (this is not a judgement on anyone here, just that it didn't work for me).

Dh never had money when growing up, he comes from a really poor family in a very poor country (anyone seen the news recently? That country where the French army are now helping out? yeah - he's from one of those towns). Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that he missed the 'stupid tax' purchases teenagers make and he's making them now. Not with pocket money, but with paycheck amounts. I realise that this is a phase he needs to go through and try to direct him to spend it at least on things we kinda need, and let him do research on quality, low price, etc. I also keep an eye on refundability. Sometimes an item goes straight back to the store, or I write a letter the same day cancelling the order (e.g. the new car we/he 'had to have because of the great deal' last December). It's extra work at the moment, but it's working out and he appreciates it. He starts to realize that 'possession of the matter is the end of the lusting-after'.

The above sounds rather parental, and that's true. In this sole subject am I the 'mother' and he the 'child', and for the moment, that's okay.
 
#24 ·
hubby makes all of it and he is a child he sees something he wants it..I am the mother.... sometimes I give it to him and let him handle it..it straightens him up for awhile.. I actually plan for some fun for him so he does not get bored... he grew up dirt poor ate too many beans, rags for clothes, and never a toy.... he has been much better maybe he is growing up.

I let him have so much money a week that his and when it is gone he is done..no debit card and keep your own account for your sanity it may really help u in the long run..

some dogs take a long time to learn new tricks even if they are willing... and willing is the key word here hugs....
 
#25 ·
Work out your budget -- accounting for every penny of income. Sit down with your dh and discuss. If he disagrees with an amount and says he needs more, tell him he has to decide where that extra is coming from.

Once the budget is finalized, put into an account in his name only the amount that is budgeted for his expenses for that pay period. That account would have the $'s for his blow money, gas, etc. that are his usual necessary budgeted expenses. That is the only account that he has a debit card for so if he overdrafts it is HIS problem not yours.

You would have your own account and put into it your blow money and budgeted expenses for that pay period. You would have the only debit card for that account.

The joint checking account would not have a debit card so you would always know exactly what is in the account by the checkbook. This is the account that you would use to pay all the household bills.
 
#27 ·
It was rough for my DH too. Not because he thought I was squirreling money away (he actually tells me all the time to spend money on myself because I don't.) but he too wants to spend money. We sat down and had a "we don't have money" moment. He knew asking to go buy a cd from the store was a lot, and we had to talk about it.

We have a joint account, and a joint savings. It was hard, but I would shoot DH a text saying "Hey, you only got $50 bucks left and that Is also to fill your gas tank, so use it wisely". It's gotten easier now that he knows the limits. I make more than him, and we never fought over who pays what with what money. If he works OT, I try to give him a little fun money cause come on. What's the fun in working your butt off when you never see it?

DH would never take the finances over. He knows I do them well. He knows I have our best interest in mind.
 
#28 ·
2XDH and I had very different ideas about how to manage money and what money should be spent on. We had no conflicts about it because of what we did. We each had an individual checking account that our paychecks were direct deposited into. Every month we each transferred an amount proportional to our relative incomes into a joint checking account that was strictly just for the common household costs: rent or mortgage, utilities, insurance and groceries. From our separate money we each paid our own transportation costs, bought clothes, paid for hobbies and habits, etc. Our incomes were similar, but even couples with disparate incomes can do this by figuring the total household income, what percent of the total is H's income and what percent is W's, and put into the combined account by that percent.
 
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#29 ·
I cant think of a time my dh & I fought over money..Im the only one with a checking account and also only my name is on the account..his check is automatically deposited so he never even see's it. I pay all the bills.. Now that would be a different story 22yrs ago when I lived a different life and spent every dime he made..Im total opposite person then I use to be..I wouldn't even recognize myself now..Lol... My dh trust me with money and knows that Im very good paying our bills each month..having lots of food..saving money and not wasting money so we are 100% on the same page..I couldn't imagine it any other way..Ive seen where it destroys families..Ive tried giving advice to try to help people different ways to save money and all I get in return is excuses as to why they cant..btw this is mostly family members Im talking about..I hope everything works out for the op..
 
#30 ·
When I married my husband 17 years ago he had some strange idea about "our" money.....he thought I should turn my entire paycheck over to him and I was to use the cc for everything so he could "track" what I spent (control)....HA....No way....I kept one paycheck and gave him one to help pay the bills etc....I paid for the food, gifts, Christmas, etc. If I got something for the house I would use our cc and he paid it.....now, I am on SS and I pay nothing toward the house bills...I have a small savings acct....we have a saving acct together and I have no idea how much is in it........sometimes I run out of money and I just use our household cc which he pays....works for us.... I agree, money can make a marriage stressful.
 
#31 ·
I handle the household finances as well as hubby's business finances. Everything is totally transparent- we have a notebook with the budget month-to-month for both the household and the business, so hubby can see where we are any time he likes (an me too, I check those things obsessively). We don't really 'fight' about money but here can be some tension when he wants to buy x,y,z and I have to be the 'bad guy' and show him why that's not an option at the moment. We get through it okay, it can just be tense at first.

One thing that he requested and I agreed to is a set % out of the business is his 'fun' money every month. It's more than I'd like and less than he'd like, but it works and the amount simply depends on how much he makes that month.
 
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