My venting

[Rangia]

It has been a rough last week for hubby and I.

My MIL and husband are not the best of friends... They talk about 4 times a year and that is pushing their limits. They just do not "enjoy" each others company.

My husband has a younger brother by quite a few years. He currently 28 years old, is bi-polar, had cancer growing up, does not work and has lived with his girlfriend for probably 5-6 years. His girlfriends has a Masters and a well paying job.

My MIL has been paying his car insurance, medical insurance, cable bill and cell phone for him. He has never paid these items on his own. Anytime, she tried to cut him off, he threatened suicide. Now this is hits pretty hard as my husband older brother did commit suicide.

We refuse to help him financially, his household income is as much as ours. His girlfriend was even still receiving an allowance until this year from her parents.

In the past we could only give my MIL actual presents. No gift cards, no gift certificates or what not as they would end up with the his brother.

So that is a brief bit of background information.

Now last week, we get the frantic call from MIL on Weds. She owes the IRS money. They are going to start garnishing her wages if she doesn't make a payment by Friday. So she needs money to make this payment. She has never asked us for money because of the issues with the brother. She is 58, works at a call center, single, no retirement other than whatever she has in SS.

My husband starts asking questions. Why do you owe them so much? Why this or that? Well, she had to turn down her dependencies to pay for something for the brother a couple years back, then she missed a few days of work earlier this year. So she is a little behind.... Turns out she has not 1 but 4 payday loans, on top of her CC bill, and a few other miss and match things. Basically, she is juggling so many balls and is so much in trouble that she is looking at being homeless in month.

MIL lives in Oklahoma and we live in Germany. So DH and I sit down to discuss this. We determine how much we can scrap up on the spot. Now comes the tricky part getting it to her. Thank goodness for paypal. Only now its on our credit card. We do not have the option to pay our choice of amounts with it. We have to select a percentage and can only change it every few months. So we have paid off 3 of her payday loans and the IRS payment. The last payday loan will be paid off next week after she gets paid again.

She says she has told his brother that he needs to take care of himself and all his own bills. He got mad at her. Only time will tell on this.

Now comes the venting....
The brother im'd DH this weekend saying "Thanks for helping mom" followed by.... We decided to go on a shopping spree this weekend and this is what we picked up.... about $1000 worth of crap. Needless to say, that was a short conversation.. Hubby just said sorry don't have time to talk, we are just heading out. So we went for a marathon walk while he cleared his head and vented.

DH is really scared for her future and we don't really know what to do. We got over the hump but we still have a long ways to go.

Thank you for letting me get this off my chest.

[Greebo]

I'm very sorry you're going through this. It's a real shame when parent's create financial monsters of their children.

It sounds like you got the good one out of the family, at least.

[miss_thrifty]

mil babies her son and u pick up the bill, OMG!!! im sorry but he should be so pissed to call his mom and tell her that that his brother has to stop leaching from her. I know he has problems but she babying him and he is deffently using the suicidal thing against her. Thats just wrong. I feel for u for reaching out and trying to help her but i understand how it back fired in your face must be hurtfull. HIGGGSSS

[FrugalMomof3]

ok wait if I am reading that right, you and your DH lent your MIL money and she spent it with the other brother?

If what I wrote is true, you need to put your foot down and NEVER and I mean NEVER help again and keep your distance.

If what I wrote is NOT true, either way you cannot help anymore, she started (MIL) this mess she has to fix it, sorry so harsh but it's true. She can't keep baby-ing the other brother for fear of his actions. He needs to grow up.

[Dancing Lotus]

Hum, are we related? Honestly I could have written that word for word.
My mil has three sons, I am married to the youngest one. The two older ones are sponging off of mom and she is going broke. One son threatens suicide when ever he doesn't get what he wants so she keeps giving.

She is so broke she couldn't afford to to buy gas to keep warm this winter and yet she pays for a house for get this " bil's girlfriend". Yeap you read that right.

Hubby felt bad for her and sent her money , she spent it on everyone but herself and had her utilities cut off.

What I have learned is YOU CANT HELP. She has to help herself by saying NO.

[nodmicks]

I'm so sorry you are going through this!

[Rangia]

One of the reasons my hubby and his mom do not get along as he tells her all the time, she needs to dump the other brother. This has put a big strain on their relationship.

What did she do with the money, I hope what she said. She also said she has cut him off from now on, this scare of going homeless was too much for her. But only time will tell.

We have not given her actual money in 14 years. But my husband any day of the week would see that she is not homeless no matter what a jerk his brother is. I actually appreciate that he does have so much devotion to her whether or not she knows it.

AnnK, I think we have probably seen many of the same things over and over again.

At this point hubby is preparing for the fact that one day she will live with us, a nightmare, but he would never see her go homeless.

Story update:
Last night though, Hubby gets an Email from Brother... stating basically .. I am pissed you called me a loser to mom. I did send her a $100 on Monday (yesterday). It just happens that we can't help her right now. We "think" we are expecting a baby. So we have been saving up the past couple of months for our new family member. If you don't treat me better, you won't be in my kids life.


So hubby wrote back... Its wasn't pleasant. I told him don't hold back on the tongue. He needs a good lashing.

However, I just have to say it... Its called a pregnancy test, they are quite modern. If you have some mix and match readings.. no worries go to the doctors office. They can get it all sorted for you.

And why did that baby need that flat screen TV and entertainment accessories you bought this past weekend?

Like I would see the kid anyways. I live 3000 miles away. We went on Thanksgiving last year and stayed through Christmas to almost New Years more than a month. His brother didn't even come see us because no one would buy him a plane ticket and he didn't want to put the miles on his car. Its like a 6 hour drive.

[savvymom]

I hope your MIL is able to say no, but unfortunately sometimes old habits die hard. Your BIL is a jerk and needs to grow up, he should not be taking advantage of his mother who is on a limited income and she shouldn't allow it. I know things don't always work that way though. Good luck to you all I hope things improve. HUGS

[craftypam]

Parents do not do their children any favors when they do this. What is going to happen when the mil isn't around anymore to pay his way. When my ds was young he used to say to me that his gf was soooo lucky because her mom paid all of her bills; I said no she's not. A couple of months would pass; same conversation. About 6 months later he said to me You know what gf is not lucky her parents paid all of her bills and he said it because she can't manage money at all. She's 24 and every large purchase except her current auto is or has been in collections. What a way to live. I agree you have a very caring dh to still help his mom out. Remember in life; what goes around comes around Hugs

[Jessesbride]

Sounds as if there are 2 very irresponsible people that your DH is related to. Tough love is the only way to go on this one sweetie. They are BOTH adults (bi-polar is a disease ~ not a crutch). If DH's mom chooses to spend her $$$ on a spoiled brat, then that is HER CHOICE ~ however, DH needs to let her know there will be no NEXT TIME with ya'll! & stick to your guns! I know it's hard to watch an enabler get themselves in the poor house, however, NO ONE will learn to be responsible if they keep bailing out (& being an enabler). DH needs to ask his Mom what will happen to her when she goes to live in a homeless shelter~ will she live with the youngest son & his gf? or what will happen to the youngest son when SHE dies? Cuz it's not your problem & YOU guys REFUSE to pay the bills of a grown person. She needs to hear, in graphic detail, of how her life will go on this path if she CHOOSES not to change it. You helped out once, but as the saying goes, fool me once~ shame on you, fool me twice ~ shame on me... make sure you don't pull a "shame on me!" It will be hard, but you have to stick to your guns or you will be in the same boat as your mom has chosen to be. *hugs*

Kim

[starsapphire]

This thread is a year old.

Hope everything turned out okay for OP's MIL.

[Russ]

My MIL has been paying his car insurance, medical insurance, cable bill and cell phone for him. He has never paid these items on his own.

Story update:
Last night though, Hubby gets an Email from Brother... stating basically .. I am pissed you called me a loser to mom. I did send her a $100 on Monday (yesterday). It just happens that we can't help her right now. We "think" we are expecting a baby. So we have been saving up the past couple of months for our new family member. If you don't treat me better, you won't be in my kids life.


.

Is the idiot brother aware that his leaching is putting his OWN mother in the poor house?

It sounds like the mother would do fine if she wasn't sending him money.

[Russ]

Crap, never looked at the date of the thread.

[Jessesbride]

Crap, never looked at the date of the thread.

yeah, I just noticed that too... oops!