The Velcro Family......

**alaska_tiger_36** · 12-31-2009, 01:36 AM

This is a long one.....it all started @6 months ago. My daughter was living with her father and I was looking forward to flying back to Ohio to watch her walk for graduation, packing the rest of my stuff in a U-Haul & driving back to Idaho with my older sister - a fun road trip! Then the day after Labor day I get a phone call from her father stating that she quit her job at McDonalds after 2 years, quit school in her senior year of high school & moved to Indiana to live with her 20 year old boyfriend (who has not worked in over 6 months) in his mom's trailer in Indiana. Needless to say I went balistic! Within 2 days she was reenrolled in school & going to be finished with school in February instead of June. She now has a job is caught up on her car payment & insurance. The boyfriend is still not working. My daughter has decided that she would like to attend college in Idaho & live with me. I'm very excited & happy about this. Yes, there is a catch....the boyfriend is part of the deal. I agreed to him also moving out here but I set up boundaries and rules for him. He will have his GED by Christmas 2010, he will have a job & he will pay rent. The rent is not about the money - I do not need it to pay the bills but he needs to pay it to learn to be responsible. The rent will go into a Roth account for his future. This was all agreed uopn. So the sister road trip has turned into my sister, daughter, her boyfriend, her car & a U-Haul. So I decided that my son should join us and we would take a week long trip & do some site seeing. Yes, that makes 5 of us....so far. The daughters boyfriends father is going thru a divorce & has decided that he would like to move to Idaho. (Thus the name "velcro family" more & more just keep clinging on.)

Then 2 weeks ago I get a call from my daughter that the mother has thrown the boyfriend out of the trailer & he has no place to live & wants to come out here early. (My daughter who is in school & working is allowed to say - thank God.) I agreed that he could come out early. Twist is that I have to buy the ticket. So I called & talked with his dad who suggested that I buy him a bus ticket & give him time to think about life on the 2 day trip here. So that is what I have done. He will arrive on January 5th. Prior to my buying the ticket I sent a list of demands: GED March 1st, Job April 1st, Donate plasma for money until he gets a job. Job hunting: every noght we will make a list of where he is going the next day to job hunt, we will review where he went to job hunt that day, he is responsible for dropping me off at the bus stop on work days at 5:30 am and picking me back up at 6:30 pm, he will do his own laundry, help grocery shop, clip coupns, cook meals, clean the house, pay me back for the bus ticket, pay rent, etc. He has agreed to my list of demands. IF he does not follow thru he wrill be tossed out on his a$$. I have given him until April 1st. In March I'm going to fly to Indiana get my daughter have her car packed with her stuff & we are going to take 3 days to drive to Idaho.

Not sure if I'm asking for help, advice or just wanting to vent..... However since all of this has started I've been talking 2-3 hours a week to the "velcro father", since he is talking about moving out here & is going to need a place to stay when he gets here....meaning my place...I thought I should get to know him. Yes, I'm single & so is he. And I actually find him very interesting thru our phone conversations. In March when I get my daughter we are going to meet in person.

Am I stupid? Too trusting? Too nice? A sucker? A fool? Or am I doing the right thing by trying tohelp someone out??

**Molemommy** · 12-31-2009, 02:17 AM

WOW!!! That is a humdinger....
All I can say is be very careful....
Make sure you stick to your guns with the boyfriend....
You sound like a very caring and trusting person and not to many would open there home to a stranger... I wish you well on this and keep us posted.

**frugalwarrior2** · 12-31-2009, 05:59 AM

No, the father should have a job there by March or April. He should get his own place even if it's just a studio or trailer. It's not a good example and could be dangerous if you don't know him. Is the dad working now??

**Lady_V** · 12-31-2009, 06:45 AM

... why can't the son live with his Dad?

**ladytoysdream** · 12-31-2009, 07:15 AM

Wow....all I am seeing is a lot of red flags here.

I can understand you helping your daughter....but additional people that you don't know ???
What if they can't find jobs.....who is going to support them ?

Be careful. Good luck to you.

**hotprincesscm** · 12-31-2009, 07:52 AM

Wow, you sound like a very caring, generous person! But like the others stated, I would set boundaries for the father as well! And yes, why can't the boy live with his father? Good luck to you and all your "velcro" family!

**2ndGenGranola** · 12-31-2009, 09:13 AM

Before ANYONE moves into your place, check out the laws in your area on getting someone evicted.

After that get all your demands, timelines and any legal rent/housing guidelines in writing.

**stinkbug** · 12-31-2009, 09:23 AM

Personally, I would pay to have a background check done on these people before you start opening up your home and life. In your original post, you mentioned you had a stalker.....I see all kinds of wonky red flags in this situation! Better safe than sorry.
(you do not want to know why I advise these things......BTDT)

**craftypam** · 12-31-2009, 09:26 AM

I sure would not feel comfortable with the bf staying at my place for 3 days while you go to pick up daughter. Dr Phil says the prediction of future behavior is past behavior. What makes you think the bf is going to change because you have made stipulations for living in your house. You cannot MAKE a grown adult do the right thing; they have to do it on their own. I also would NOT let a man you have never met move in your house. Sorry kinda of scary to me.

**piney** · 12-31-2009, 11:42 AM

Hope every things work out but i agree with the othes that posted.Seems like something just not right please be careful take care of your self and keep us posted how things go.

**shoiji** · 12-31-2009, 12:07 PM

It sounds as if you have a very caring heart. But since you are questioning some of you decisions, maybe you should sit back and think about everything. Change can be great and glad to hear you daughter has gotten her life in order.

But you should question if you want to get you life back in order once you moved, and take care of your daughter and mother the boyfriend also. Then to help the father out when he moves here, well, just seems like a lot to handle.

Why can't the father start looking in advance at rooms for rent or other adds for your area prior to moving? Can remember doing that before I moved back. And yes, it is possible. And yes, why isn't the son staying with the father? Need to wonder what is going on. Talk with your daughter maybe she knows more about the fathers sitatuation. If things work out between you and the father great. But until then, the father should find his own place with his son.

Sorry to be so negative, however, you really should watch out for yourself right now. Everything else will fall in place.

**mauimagic** · 12-31-2009, 02:30 PM

My thoughts have always been for me and everybody I know or even come in contact with is to take care of your health and your family first.

You are obviously a very caring, generous and take care woman.

I wondered why the bf's father did not offer to buy the bus ticket, instead of coming up with a good idea, but then you pay for the ticket? Personally I would suggest that bf's dad have his son rent a place that both of them can share - then see how the relationships build.

Do you have an umbrella policy - see Greebo's blog for more info. You need one if you don't.

Whatever you decide to do, please let us follow along on your journey. It's your life, your decision; just my opinions.

**alaska_tiger_36** · 12-31-2009, 05:19 PM

WOW!! Thanks for all of the kind words and things to think about.
The bf’s dad is living with friends due to a recent divorce & heart attack. Thus he is unable to have his son move in with him. The dad is currently working and is looking for work out here. I've been able to give him websites and names of places to look for a job. He is thinking about moving out here during the summer.

Yes, I'm going to sign a contract with the bf. I had thought of that and had forgotten to mention it. I’ll check into eviction laws – great point! I have a friend who works for an attorney & will ask her to help me.

I met the bf this past summer when I was visiting my daughter. He seems like a good kid other than no job & no GED. They have been together for over a year so I have heard a lot about the bf. I’ve also heard a lot about the father, his heart attack, being laid-off, the divorce (the bf walked in on his step mom & another man), etc. Sounds like the dad has his stuff together & it sounds like the bf (who lived with his mom) has never had a boundary in his life or a consequence either. I know – that’s not my issue.

Yes, there are a lot of red flags…..I’m wanting my daughter live with me again and I see the bf as an all or nothing package. Maybe I’m too willing to do anything to make up for being gone these past 4 years. No, the dad is not part of the package. I guess I didn’t see how he could find a place to live here without being here & that he would need a few days/week or so to find a place to live. Now that I know better I will not allow him to stay here & will give him the link to the local classified ads so he can find his own place. Thanks for telling me about that one! One less worry on the mind!

Background check is a great idea too! However I work as a contractor to a government agency. I have to report anyone & everyone that lives with me or may live with me to them. I have given them the bf’s name & SSN. I’m waiting to hear back from them. I know that will not tell me everything but it will help.

Yes, I did have a stalker. Not sure what that has to do with this because it was not someone I had a relationship with. It was just some freak that chose me and decided to make my life a living hell. However, that has made me a stronger person, more aware of my surroundings & to question people’s motives more than I ever would have before….almost to the point of paranoia at times. I think I’m a little more blind in this situation because my daughter is involved. If it wasn’t for her I’d never dream of doing this.

I’m thankful for all of your insight. Thanks again!!

**mauimagic** · 12-31-2009, 10:14 PM

As I said AT36 - you are a very intelligent and generous woman and now I need to add also - insightful. We do a lot for our children and tend to follow our hearts more than our heads - human nature!! Just don't forget to keep us in the loop - we care.

**alaska_tiger_36** · 01-09-2010, 08:13 PM

The bf arrived on thursday after a 12 hour layover in Billings Montana due to weather. Thursday I showed him a few of the sites in the area and he has been very impressed with all of the mountains. I also took him shopping. It has been below zero (yesterday morning it was -11....-25 with windchill). He did not have the gear & would have frozen to death out here so I took him to get him a good winter coat, snow pants & gloves.

Yesterday he joined me at Toastmasters (a speech & leadership club. If you would like more info please ask.). After the meeting we went and donated plasma together. It was his first time and he was a little nervouse. I have donated in the past so I went along to give him support. Today we cleaned house together & I worked with him on a budget/excel sheet to keep track of his money. We listed out his income from plasma from today thru the end of february. It was $320 if he did not spend a dime. He said he wasn't going to spend any of it. Then I said you smoke. How much? So I added that into the budget with a $20/wk smoking allowance & a $115 for a GED. By the end of Feb he will have $35 left over. Yes, I saw the lightbulb turn on that he has $35 to spend on food, gas, ect. for 1.5 months. He was shocked and amazed. I don't think anyone has ever done this with him.

He has been extremely quiet & willing to do what ever I ask. Yesterday he took the trash out without my asking him. So far I'm impressed with him & his attitude - we will see how long it lasts. For his sake I hope it lasts a lifetime!