How do I say NO to deceased relatives items without offending?

**khaski** · 08-01-2010, 08:01 PM

My MIL passed recently, my SIL (we don't get along at all, generally, but I have done a lot of -teeth gritting- these last few weeks, she's grieving) has made it known she wants ME to take a LOT of her mother's goodness-knows-how-many items of clothing since we're roughly the same size and SIL is much smaller. No other relatives for it to go to, LOTS of it still with tags.

It's kind of her, on one level, but on another I have the feeling she knows if I take them it's less for her to figure out...nice offer, but most of it is not my style, and I just plain feel weird taking my husband's dead mother's things to wear.

SIl says it's 'too good' for Goodwill and won't consign, thinks it's a waste of time. How can I say NO thank you with least chance of offending? Already explained to hubby it made me very uncomfortable, he's fine with it. Trying to avoid the SIL meltdown that's bound to come anyways, but hoping some un-involved parties have suggestions!

**khaski** · 08-01-2010, 08:02 PM

Forgot to add- I'm going to look into if the American Cancer Society would pick up a LARGE lot of clothing donation, have no idea, but one idea that might avoid me having items I don't want/need from deceased MIL, and SIL's offense at my position.

**Syn D** · 08-01-2010, 08:12 PM

Sorry for your husbands loss!!

I don't get along with either of my SIL's and don't really care too.. I would either do one of two things, as to make it easier on my husband.

1 - donate then to a charity or a battered woman's or homeless shelter..

2 - Sell them and donate the money to a charity she would of liked..

Should shut SIL up a little..

**krbshappy71** · 08-01-2010, 08:18 PM

Originally Posted by khaski

Forgot to add- I'm going to look into if the American Cancer Society would pick up a LARGE lot of clothing donation, have no idea, but one idea that might avoid me having items I don't want/need from deceased MIL, and SIL's offense at my position.

Personally I would take them graciously and leave them in my house for awhile, then after a few months have gone by I'd donate them. That way if she asks within the next few months if you still have the clothes, you truthfully do. After a few months, say, 3 or 4, she should reasonably forget to ask about it again and you are safe to donate. Just a tip though, if you are regionally close and concerned she shops thrift stores nearby, donate farther from home.

Get them off her brain, then get them off yours.

**Jeanna** · 08-01-2010, 08:37 PM

I realize where you are coming from. I think the first thing I would do would be to talk it over with my husband. Explain your side and let him talk to his sister. I may be wrong but I really do not think my husband would want me wearing his mothers clothes. Ask him if there is anything of his mothers that he would like to have to remember her by. Then have him ask for it. When and if you get it give it a special place. That way he knows you are trying to honor his mother even though you don't want the clothes.

**Momto5RN** · 08-01-2010, 08:40 PM

even if she is the hugest pain in the butt i am sure she is feeling overwhelmed with the task at hand and with loosing her mother .

i agree with taking them for the peace of it ( and for your dhs sake or he may hear for years about how you guys didnt do enough )

if you dont even want to go thru them - donate them to purple heart which does pick ups- if any are dressy enough then maybe to a womans shelter etc.

or even thru freecycle where someone will come and get them .
no such thing as too good to donate

or if you have children you can take them to a consignment and put any money made off them to their college education which i am sure would be something your mil would love to have been able to help with if alive.

**Momto5RN** · 08-01-2010, 08:43 PM

also but for some going thru the deceased persons clothes is the hardest for them to do emotionally - she may just want an easy way out of having to do that - i would just have empathy and sympathy for her and take the stuff and then find something to do with it - you dont have to keep it .

my grandmother use to love to give me stuff i had no use for - she knew i donated it if i couldnt use it - she gave me a huge bag of my deceased aunts clothes - i just donated it . I think it was easier for her to just have someone else bag it up for her ( she was 90 when my aunt died ) and have it gone in one swoop and even though she knew i would most likely donate it giving it to a relative is how it stays in her mind and she felt better about that than seeing it driven off in a donation truck herself.

**frugalfranny** · 08-02-2010, 12:42 AM

Agree with the others.......and if it doesn't bother your dh...I would take them...........and then donate them to a woman's shelter.

**mauimagic** · 08-02-2010, 01:01 AM

That's what I did when my uncle wanted me to take some of my aunt's clothing after she passed - it was really important to him to have all the clothes removed, so I helped my cousin go through all of her clothing and put aside some things, which my uncle boxed up and sent to me 2500 miles away. I donated them all to a charity here and everyone was happy.

**Jenny WC** · 08-02-2010, 07:11 AM

I am sorry for your families loss. I have been where you are. My MIL passed away about a month after me and my husband got married (I was 18) and her long term boyfriend was very insistent on my taking all of her clothes. I explained to my hubby that I didn't want them and it would of made me feel weird to wear them. He understood a 100%. I took the clothes to make things easier on her long term boyfriend. I ended up Good luck.
Jenny

**Saule** · 08-02-2010, 08:12 AM

When my mother died, my father wanted us (including granddaughters) to take something of her clothing. Mom was 5 ft 3, I am the next closest in size at 5 ft 7, my sister and the girls are all taller. We all took some things and then gave them away.

Like others, I would just take the clothes, store them for a while, then donate to Goodwill, or to one of those charities that help women get into the workplace for the first time by providing them with work clothing for interviews (if the clothing is appropriate). The name escapes me right now, but we do collections for them at our company. This is an article about it, we actually have a local organization that goes by a different name, Best Way - Where to Donate Used Clothing to Abused Women Seeking Work | eHow.com

**Josephhgoins** · 08-02-2010, 10:00 AM

Sorry for your familys loss and your SIL pointing out that you are bigger than she.

Just a thought, but maybe you could agree to handle consigning them for her and just be honest that although you loved your MIL, you won't feel comfortable wearing her clothes.

You could then take the money from the consignment shop and either donate it to a charity that she would have liked or give it back to the estate.

**jas** · 08-02-2010, 10:11 AM

Personally I don't think many husbands would want to see thier wife wearing thier dead mothers clothes. That would be too weird. Take them, store them for a bit (or not) and then donate them.

My dh gets all grossed out even if I have tried perfume similar to his moms or sister. He can't get passed the connection of the smell to the person. He loves them both don't get me wrong, he says he does not want to snuggle with either of them. Might be the same with the clothes to.

Sorry for the loss of you MIL.

**cab54** · 08-02-2010, 01:12 PM

Originally Posted by jas

Personally I don't think many husbands would want to see thier wife wearing thier dead mothers clothes. That would be too weird. Take them, store them for a bit (or not) and then donate them.

My dh gets all grossed out even if I have tried perfume similar to his moms or sister. He can't get passed the connection of the smell to the person. He loves them both don't get me wrong, he says he does not want to snuggle with either of them. Might be the same with the clothes to.

Sorry for the loss of you MIL.

LOL! Yes! My DH calls it 'old lady perfume'. He hates me in anything that smells like Mom. (he doesn't have a sister)

I think it would bother him alot if I wore his Mom's clothes.

I'd say to SIL---"wouldn't it bother you to see me in your mother's clothing? I KNOW it would bother DH/your brother!"

If she persists, I'd do what the above poster says---take them, hide them awhile, and then donate.

**frugalwarrior2** · 08-02-2010, 01:26 PM

Guess I'm the dissenter here. I would say no thank you. DH is still taking CRAP his mother doesn't want to deal w/. Then I get to dispose of it.
She is making her prob. your. You said you don't get along anyway so whats the diff.
When I was a newly wed MIL dumped 100 boxes of junk in my bsmt. I had to tell her my cats were wrecking it to get it out of there about 5 years later. My cats weren't doing a thing but a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do. I even reboxed a few things to get the ball rolling. They prob. would've moved w/ us otherwise.