Looking for suggestions

**kita** · 01-21-2011, 06:48 PM

Originally Posted by Darlene

Does she have children? It's unclear to me.
If she doesn't I guess I'm one of the few thinking that she should find herself a job and get on with her life. You can only hand hold and coddle so long before it becomes a crutch. Sure what happened is sad and hurts but the perfect answer isn't going to come along as she says "no" to this & "I can't do that". Yes you can and in time it will get better. I'm sorry this happened but it's time for her to get on with being an adult and that means taking care of business. In the end this may just be the best thing that could have happened to her. She's 26 and has a whole lifetime ahead to become an independent self assured young woman.

If she has a child or children my words would be different.

She doesn't have children but I wonder how your answer would be different. I think I would be harder on her if she had kids. Instead I think this is a chance for her to re-launch her life, hopefully more thoughtfully and well-preparedly than she did before.

I have to admit that I would even like to see her go to college and given the state of the economy might even suggest she take out some student loans to do so. However two factors make that a totally unwise choice: She hates school and has no idea what she would take. If she wanted to get her LPN in a year I would say go for it but the concept of borrowing money to explore while doing something she hates...not a chance.

And yes having her become an independent self-assured young woman is my goal for her. Of course it has to be her goal as well before it can become a reality.

**bumplett** · 01-21-2011, 08:50 PM

I'm really sorry kita. And I hope the best for her, but all I hear is excuse after excuse after excuse of why she can't do this, or won't do that.

she sounds like a whiner to me.

"I can't do daycare because...."

"can't go to school because....."

"I can't quit smoking right now because...."

"I can't get a driver's license right now because....."

"I can't volunteer if I have to take the bus...."

nothing personal kita, and please don't take it as an attack (on you or her), but stand back and look at it again from an outside perspective....

she needs to put up or shut up.

**marjorie** · 01-21-2011, 09:48 PM

Sometimes when we are forced out of our comfort zone we learn the most. None of the suggestions would be easy, but all of them seem to have the advantage of helping her to meet new people.

**kita** · 01-22-2011, 10:34 AM

I agree with you on a lot of things here. She has gotten better over the past few months. She wouldn't give plasma because she didn't like needles. (who does?) She has tried to give now but one place has said that her veins are too small. I walk a fine line betweeen making suggestions and letting her figure things out herself.

Originally Posted by bumplett

I'm really sorry kita. And I hope the best for her, but all I hear is excuse after excuse after excuse of why she can't do this, or won't do that.

she sounds like a whiner to me.

"I can't do daycare because...."Yeah, this is frustrating. I have seen her say she would do babies now so I am guessing that this will be gone in a month.

"can't go to school because....."I wish she would have a love of school. I wish she would have a career goal in mind. She is right though that borrowing money for exploration is not a good idea.

"I can't quit smoking right now because...."I am selfish enough that I don't want to hold her hand while she quits smoking and deals with the divorce.

"I can't get a driver's license right now because....."Yep, this one is annoying as well. I guess her husband drove her nuts when he was teaching her to drive. The little teachery section of my brain has a goal which says something like "She will be able to legally drive the streets of Portland with 100% accuracy by June 30. I don't have a problem letting her borrow my car when she needs it(as long as she is legal) because it is easier that drivingher around.

"I can't volunteer if I have to take the bus...." Well very shortly it will be MY money that will pay for that bus and I don't know if I can justify it either.

nothing personal kita, and please don't take it as an attack (on you or her), but stand back and look at it again from an outside perspective....

she needs to put up or shut up.

Yes, I guess I have to say that she has shut up. Up until now she has paid half the rent and contributed for food. Starting in in Feb she says she only a partial month of rent.

I can wish that she had a more "burn the ships attitude" but I have seen change.

**kita** · 02-10-2011, 05:44 PM

She got a job! Janitorial. The hours are crap for the bus but she says she will tough it out. Once she knows exactly which building she will be at and who her crew includes she will know if she will be waiting for an hour to two hours for a bus or car-pooling or getting a taxi. I have agreed to pick her up on night since on that particular night it wouldn't be that difficult to be up that late. She might spring one or two nights for a taxi. Her money her choice.
She has orientation today and I am just thrilled for her.