Advice Needed (Bereavement) Pet

**Twinkle** · 12-21-2009, 09:37 AM

My Little Girl (15-1/2 year old cat) was put to sleep three weeks ago today. I have some friends who understand my sadness but one is trying to basically "guilt" me into take two rescue cats (the owner has died). In spite of my saying it's just far too soon for me and I am still crying myself to sleep every night, she just won't give up. What can I say to her (nicely) that I'm just not ready and won't know when I will be?

Thank you.

**nodmicks** · 12-21-2009, 09:41 AM

Twinkle I think you just need to be very firm with your I'm not ready yet. Very firm. If she gives you and guff tell her you are still grieving hard and are not ready to give another cat the love you gave the first one as your heart is still hurting.

If she says this will make you feel better remind her one new pet doesn't take the place of another just like having a new child can replace on tragically lost.

If the rescue kitty was meant for you you know it and be ready to take it. It is very insensitive of her to push you.

Hugs and hang in there!

**ladykemma2** · 12-21-2009, 09:53 AM

sympathy

are you doing that thing where: you keep looking for her? and she's not there?

there's no clank of the collar tag at the food bowl?

yes, I am trying to get you to cry. A gallon of tears out of each eye, my therapist says.

**Contrary Housewife** · 12-21-2009, 11:12 AM

I don't know what you can say to someone who won't take 'no' for an answer, except to repeat yourself or avoid her for a while.

It was nearly a year before I could think about getting a new cat, after mine died.

**Josephhgoins** · 12-21-2009, 11:18 AM

I am not sure that I would still consider her a friend if she can't understand what you are going through without a lot of explanation. She obviously cares for animals as she is trying to find these 2 cats homes. I just don't understand why she would push it.

If it was me I would stop having anything to do with this "friend" for awhile. You may find your life is better off without her in it.

My Grandmother had a similar issue when the last of her 7 dogs passed away of very old age. Several of my family members kept pushing her to get another dog. The dogs kept her active and we all know how important that can be for someone of her age living alone. She responded quiet well to my Aunt. "I don't want to never have another animal as I don't want to have to worry about it in case something happens to me. I am old and I know I don't have another 20 years to put into one. Besides can you imagine how crowded it’s going to be for me and you Pa when I get to Heaven with all those pets?" This changed the subject to Theology, my Grandfather, pets that have passed and other warm memories. We rarely got back to discussing her getting another dog.

Although I have lost several outside pets, I have never had a house pet die so I can only imagine what you are going through. My best thoughts are with you.

**Greebo** · 12-21-2009, 11:30 AM

How Greebo would handle it:
1st time, "Gosh, thanks for the offer, but its just too soon."
2nd time, "I don't know when I'll be ready for another pet. Thanks anyway but I'm not going to be adopting these cats."
3rd time, "I'm sorry, I guess I wasn't clear. I said no."
4th time, "Please stop asking, I've given you my answer."
5th time, "Listen, jackhole, what part of *NO* don't you understand?!?!?!"

It gets less polite from there.

**Debbie-cat** · 12-21-2009, 11:39 AM

I like Greebo's approach. My heart goes out to you with your loss of your beloved pet.

**savvy_sniper** · 12-21-2009, 11:47 AM

I agree with Greebo! Your "friend" is being very thoughtless. I know the cats need a home, but yours isn't it.

**mombottoo** · 12-21-2009, 12:15 PM

My deepest sympathy on the loss of your beloved pet ((((hugs)))). Some people are clueless when it comes to the loss of a pet! Our beloved Kane had to be euthanized 2 years ago and there is not a day that goes by that we don't think of him on some level.

Your friend is trying to be helpful...but, I agree wholeheartedly with Greebo...although I don't think it would take me 5 times to get to the jackhole part.

**pollypurebred39** · 12-21-2009, 12:30 PM

Oh Twinkle, I do understand. We lost our Suki Girl on Sept 11th and I'm still so grieved. I can not imagine bringing another dog home right now. It would feel like a betrayal to her somehow.

Your friend seems to have a heart for these cats, but what she needs is a heart for you right now.

One of the places that has helped me tremdously dealing with the loss of our girl on a daily basis has been rainbow bridge. It's a website devoted to those who have lost furry ones. There's a forum where you can share about your baby, and candle light services on Monday nights. This is a place to grieve, to share, to remember your Little Girl with the honor and respect she deserves.

I'm truly sorry for your loss,
Polly

**stinkbug** · 12-21-2009, 12:55 PM

I'm sorry about your kitty.....

When I had to have my 15 year old dog put to sleep....I had the same problem. It was almost 2 years before I got another dog. On. My. Terms. I found Zhora (the wonder dog) and she was not the dog I expected to adopt....but she was the perfect dog for me. People need to mind their own business when it comes to other people's life long commitments!

A new pet is never a replacement for an old pet!

**shoiji** · 12-21-2009, 03:58 PM

So sorry to hear your heart is so heavy. Let your friend know that bringing up the homeless cats is not helping and making things worse. If she can not understand try to stay away from her for a while.

**frugalfranny** · 12-21-2009, 04:53 PM

Originally Posted by Greebo

How Greebo would handle it:
1st time, "Gosh, thanks for the offer, but its just too soon."
2nd time, "I don't know when I'll be ready for another pet. Thanks anyway but I'm not going to be adopting these cats."
3rd time, "I'm sorry, I guess I wasn't clear. I said no."
4th time, "Please stop asking, I've given you my answer."
5th time, "Listen, jackhole, what part of *NO* don't you understand?!?!?!"

It gets less polite from there.

Truly sorry for your loss........we all have our own way of grieving. Do whatever works for you.

I would follow the above but probably drop a couple steps! I say 3 is ENOUGH - on 3 you state step 5!!

**pinetree** · 12-21-2009, 05:19 PM

On the other side I've been thinking, she might be thinking that the 2 cats are heart broken from losing their owner, you are heart broken from losing "Little girl" that you will all end each others hurting by being together.. Just a thought

I do think that she is not "getting" how you are feeling, which then I say go Greebo's way.

**shadowfax** · 12-30-2009, 10:15 AM

Actually....

Believe it or not taking in those rescues might not be a bad thing. Think of it as you can help another animal to honor your lost pets memory. Maybe offer to foster them with the understanding that they are up for adoption?

Something similar happened for me with my horse. I had had him for 22 years form the time I was 13 till I was 35 so loosing him was tremendously difficult. I was still going tot he stable every day to tend other horses and seeing his empty stall every day was very hard. Someone said that the best thing to do was to get another horse into that stall ASAP, which sounded awful to me but it actually worked. Sure I still missed him and I still cried for a long time. But Baby was there for me to hug and touch and love. It helped.

Hey when a human friend that you love dies would you refuse to make new friends or spend time with the other ones you have? Of course not. You allow other friends to help and support you. In time you get closer to one or more of them as well and they fill that need.

A friend of mine had a horse ,right at that time, she was unable to afford to care for and I told her I would lease her horse in order to help her to not have to sell her. So I basically had Baby in my care within only a few weeks of loosing Whiskey. Well long story short I wound up buying her a year later. Having Baby in my life really helped me to move forward. She did not replace Whiskey of course, no horse could but she filled that void he left and in time became a new best friend. Amazing how the timing worked out. Think about that....

I think a lot of times people refuse to accept another pet in their lives because they think they would be being disloyal to their beloved lost pet. But in truth you honor their memory when you let another into your heart and home. It isn't easy for an adult cat to find a home. These two need a home. Give it a little more thought before you completely dismiss the idea. Maybe go meet these two a couple of times before you decide to give it a try. But don't write them off. They need you.