Life after a miscarriage

**Bournecrazy** · 06-22-2010, 11:48 AM

I found out yesterday that a girl at work had a miscarriage and i dont know how or what to say without bringing it up and upsetting her as its a very sensitive issue and very heartbreaking for her as she was having IVF and was in her 9th or 10th week when it happened and if this wasnt bad enough for her a few years ago she had to go thru a still-birth at 7 months.

I dont know what to do or say to her and not make the situation awkward.

Anyone else had to deal with something like this?

**Rhiamon** · 06-22-2010, 12:17 PM

I have had 3 miscarriages. They were all hard but my last was the hardest because it was going to happen on it’s so I had to have a DNC.
The worst things that I found said to me were:
~there was something wrong with the baby so you wouldn't have wanted it anyways.
~You can always have more
~Get over it
~You could always adopt (not that this is a bad thing just not a good thing to say to someone who has just lost a baby)
~The baby was sick
~you can always try again

What I needed to hear was
I am sorry for your loss, because it was a huge loss.
I am here if you need to talk
A hug when I was crying
Someone who would just sit with me and let me cry my eyes and heart out.
The nicest thing done for me was my best friends mom planted a tree in her yard in memory of my baby. Just even a simple sympathy card, that says I am sorry for your loss. It made me cry but it was also one of the nicest things done for me.
I also hate to say it but it never truly goes away. At least for me it didn't. My baby would have been two this year in April, and I couldn't even look at a two year old without crying. Understand if she has friends with babies, who are pregnant or children she may avoid you for a little while, because the hurt is just too much. I know I had a friend with the exact same due date as mine and I avoid her for months after her son was born.
You are so kind for trying to find out how to help. Even if she never wants to talk about it your kindness towards her in this time will be so greatly appreciated that she will always remember it.

**pollypurebred39** · 06-22-2010, 12:21 PM

The best thing someone did for me was bring me a cup of coffee and a doughnut and set it down on my desk and said, "I've been thinking about you" and then walked away and sat down at their desk.

I also received a card in the mail (at home a few days later) from same coworker. It was a blank card where she wrote how sorry she was for my loss, and let me know that she would be thinking of me.

**gapeach** · 06-22-2010, 01:16 PM

I have had 2 family members that had miscarriages. DH and I never a "big deal" out of it. Instead we let them know how sorry we were and sent cards and made phone calls just to let them know we were thinking of them. Both of them told us that they appreciated it so much and that it was one of the most thoughtful things anybody did for them in their time of grief.

**ansley** · 06-22-2010, 03:43 PM

Let her talk. My family didn't want me to talk about it. I found an online pregnancy loss forum (that unfortunately isn't up and running anymore). I don't know what I would have done without those online women that let me cry and vent and that I could listen to when they needed to cry and vent.

I was one of those that did get pg right away. It didn't make my loss any less but a lot of people thought it should.

My sis's SO was pg and due 1wk before Daniel was due. It has taken 3yrs but recently, for the first time, I was able to look at that baby and not think of mine.

**sunshine** · 06-22-2010, 03:57 PM

I agree- - the worse was when people wanted to act like it never happened.

**Tamerama** · 06-22-2010, 04:10 PM

I love the idea of planting a tree in the yard. What a precious thing to do ...and truly shows that person that you realize how real their loss is.
I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks and it was probably to date the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I so appreciated the cards and letters that people sent me during that time. Even just the sympathy cards that said "thinking of you"...

**frugalwarrior2** · 06-22-2010, 04:23 PM

Just send her a nice card at home and don't bring it up at the office unless she does. When i miscarried my neighbor laughed and asking If I wanted a kid so bad would I like one of his. People say the damndest things. Just give her time to get over the disappointment of what might have been.