Has anyone here ever had a miscarraige?

[Daisygirl]

My dear friend lost her baby yesterday in her fourth month of pregnacy. They had just announced the pregnacy, so now everyone knows that she is/was expecting. They were over the moon about their first child. Obviously they are absolutely devastated.

My heart is just broken for her. I feel completely helpless to offer comfort, because there is really nothing you can say to make such a loss easier. I am just trying to be there to listen. When her fiancee goes back to work on Tuesday, I am going to spend the day with her and I'm taking lunch for us.

Has anyone here had such a loss? If so, what comforted you? Was it words or actions? Any ideas would be greatly appreciated. I know sometimes in moments like this, a small thing can provide so much. I am just searching for some thoughts on what that thing might be.

[Droppedonmyhead]

I have had a miscarriage before. But it was in the early stages and not as far along as your friend's. I found great comfort in knowing that every soul has to have a body to go to heaven. Those babies soul's were meant to go directly to heaven.

[leela21]

Yes I was about 15 weeks along. I read once that a good things to say is "I am sorry you lost your baby". I know I felt as if people thought b/c it was so early in the pregnancy that there really "wasn't" a baby yet. Noone said anything about it. I wanted my baby to be acknowledged even though she/he did not live. My prayers go out to your friend. It can be a lonely time. She is lucky to have you and to be honest I would talk about her baby if you feel she is ready.

[Nada.Leona]

I have never been pregnant ( ) but my best friend has. She lost hers in the early stages too. She said she never wished a pain that bad on her worst enemy. It was really hard for her, because she is near convinced that she cannot have a baby. She never mentions it anymore.

[PrairieRose]

I have and I agree that just acknowledging the fact that she lost her baby is a huge comfort. A friend said to me and I'll never forget it "When you find out you're pregnant, you begin to plan a lifetime. When those dreams and plans are ended so abruptly you are left feeling cheated and empty. I'm sorry you lost the baby that you already loved so much". She was just about the only one who actually said something directly about the baby. I'm sorry for your friend.

[SHOPGIRL]

I've had two. There really is nothing you can say to make her feel better. It's just important that your supportive and there for her and willing to listen. To her, it feels like her baby died and she probably will not even know the reason why. It doesn't help when people say "it's for the best" or "there was probably something wrong". That may be true, but those are things she needs to come to terms with on her own. Also, even though she lost the baby, she is still very hormonal. There are a lot of books on this, so you might want to go to the library or bookstore and bring her some books. It's not an easy thing to experience.

[Mom23boys]

My second pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. I was in my 2nd month and it broke my heart and soul. I felt I had lost a part of me. For me, no words could mend my broken heart. It just took time; I had to go through a grieving process. I was glad I had a great support system. My MIL was there for me to help with DS#1 while I was depressed. She allowed me to grieve.

[babetteq]

I had a miscarriage too. It is devastating. You don't need to have experienced one to support your friend, you just need to hear her pain, and be there with her when she wants you to be. Not only is she devastated, but she also has hormones running all over the place. Never underestimate the power of a hormone. Combined with the emotional loss she'll need some comfort from her friends. She's lucky to have someone like you around.

babs

[many houseapes]

my 6th pregnancy ended in a miscarriage..this was the first baby we conceived after I had my tubal ligation reversed...it was difficult, but I was comforted by knowing that hannah was with Jesus and we would all see her eventually. I also had dreams of her (before & after we lost her). I think what helped too was that I had 5 young children that I also had to help heal from the loss...helping them helped me.

[Scattymum]

I have had two, both at 12 weeks, one 3 yrs ago and one last month, shopgirl is right , there is nothing to say to make her feel better, she is going to be very up and down and may say things she doesnt mean at the time. please please dont say , it was for the best, there must have been something wrong, this one was meant to be an angel etc, while people mean well by saying these things they really dont know how much pain their words can cause. The best advice I can give is to be there for her if she needs to talk - she is not going to get over this in a short while. one other thing - remember when her baby was due and give her a ring that day to see how she is - most people have forgotton by then that she even miscarraiged but it will be the only thing on her mind that day.

Many many hugs for your friend

[Scattymum]

also one other thing - its not just your friend that has lost her baby, the babys father will also be devastated, he may not be going through the physical but certainly the emotional and he is probably being strong for your friend. i would take the time to ask him how he is doing, to acknowledge that he has lost as well, sometime the men get left out when they are feeling a huge loss too.

you are a very good friend to be thinking of her and taking the time to post this message to get advice

[sunshine]

I lost one at 8 months. . . twins at 4 months. . .several others at 3-4 months (been pregnant 8 times, have 3 living children)

I can honestly say that the things that were the most helpful, were the things that acknowledged my child. People who asked what names we'd chosen. . . ones who rememberd my due date and sent me a note, a phone call, whatever-- because I certainly didn't forget my due date, and was very despondant around that time period.

Any one who let me talk about my baby, was a blessing. . so many tried to say, " well, you can have other babies" or "you have to keep going for the ones you have" were so frustrating! none of that changed the fact that I had lost THIS child!

[Buckeye5]

I have had two. The first time I was ever pregnant, miscarried and had to have it cremated. then went on with two healthy pregnancies, and then another miscarriage this time I was 3 months or so. Then went on to have another healthy pregnancy. The absolute worst thing that I hated to hear was, " oh well, it was probably for the best." You are mourning your pregnancy and the hopes and dreams that went along with it. Just be understanding and maybe thoughtful. Also, maybe a cover dish casserole would be nice. She probably doesn't feel like cooking.

[frugalbutterfly]

I had one(actually an emercency D&C, I was hemmoraging(sp) @ 13 weeks when, our dd was going through chemo no less. I was devastated. @ the time, I was not ready to be pregnant(had pseudo-tumor cerebri and the medical background I have, I know the two just would not work). I mean how can you have a child you know @ some point WILL die and bring one into to world? Well, I had to go in for surgery to "fix" the other medical going on with me and told them nope, no way could I be pregnant. I was in denial I guess. Then, it grew on me but I had nothing but problems with it. Then, I had 2nd surgery the next day and dd in the hospital getting chemo, I had to leave(unwillingly) and could not come home and had to go straight to the ER. Was fine but a few weeks later, turns out baby had died then@ 9 weeks, I started to hemmorage so, they rushed me in Dec. 26th for the D&C. I was heartbroken and felt it was because I was in denial about it,etc. I had a dream within a week of that and it was a boy we named him Charles(dh's middle name) and felt at peace after that. Ironically, I became pregnant a few months later. DD was dying also at the time, that was very devastating to know we where bringing a child in and one was going out, how do you deal with that, don't know how we did really. Angie died July 24, 1998(due date of baby lost). Sarah was born Dec. 25th, 1998(due date,given and Angie said "she" would be born(we did not know boy or girl). Twenty weeks to the day of our dd dying we brought a new dd into the world.
These things happen and we don't know why and can't explain how or why it happens. Or why it happens to who it does really.

I know most of my family(with my miscarriage anyway) acted like it was no big deal but to dh and myself and our family it is as it is a life we have witnin us even if only for a short period of time. There is a heart beat, brain, fingers, toes and everything else so, how could you not see it as a person. Just because you did not get to "see" or hold the baby or watch it learn to roll over, smile or walk, really shoudl not matter, it is a human life lost! Period! Maybe for some I "think" too strongly but it is no difference then say a 50 or 60 yr old dying, it is a life that NEVER had the chance nor will never have the chance to grow and learn(here at least) or have a child themselves so, that is even sadder to me. I may be the odd one but it does not matter to me.
It is a very emotional and physical sadness you have to go through as a "parent".
The hardest part I think is people "forget"(same thing with me now as my accident has all been forgotten by everyone except me and my family and the devastation it has caused and will continue to cause).
You know, allot of people either are afraid or don't want to talk about their "losses". Myself, with my dd, especially, I love to talk about her and what she was like and who she was. People should be more understaning in a sense of "miscarriages" as there was @ one point a heatbeat and the awe of being blessed with a little miracle that had his or her time here cut short.
Be there for them, let them talk, listen, "hold" there hand and show them you care and want to hear and listen to them, that may be the biggest gift you can give them right now!

[LastDragonfly]

I'm glad you will spend some time with her. After my miscarriage, everyone went on with their life as usual except me. It was so weird. No one would talk with me about it family was far away and none of my girlfriends called...because they didn't know what to say.

So I say bring a new box of kleenex and wrap your arms around her and let her cry. And know while she is crying we have shed our tears for her and been thankful you are there for her!