Divorce Advice? (long, sad story)

[forHISglory]

Our friend went thru a bitter divorce (not his idea, but now he's divorced, just the same). He has several kids, but only gets to see them every other weekend and for a couple of weeks in the summer. However, he has to pay child support and all insurance on the children. He doesn't mind this and wants to do all he can to keep the kids going, and be involved in their lives. His wife also got the car, as the judge said she was taking the kids around most of the time. So he got another old car, but the exwife won't let him use the car seats for the youngest ones. He can't afford to buy new car seats at this point, so he can't take the youngest ones with him on visitation weekends.

During the divorce proceedings, the judge looked at his pay stub and determined that he made $60,000 a year, and based the amount of support off that. In reality, he makes about $30,000 a year, as he has an outdoor job that depends on the weather. His income tax statements all show that he fluctuates around $30,000. He tried to show this to the judge, but the judge did not want to see it. He did not have a lawyer because he could not afford one, so he was doing his best to represent himself. After child support is taken out, he is left with about $5000 a year to live on.

Once the rulings went through, he no longer had enough money to pay rent on his one room apartment. So he moves around from friend's homes to relative's homes. For a while he slept in his car. He got a minimum wage night job to bring in extra cash, but it all got put to child support. He brought home nothing!!

Now he is laid off the main job, as the company went bankrupt. He thought he still had insurance benefits, but found out that the company is so broke that they quit paying premiums on all the employees months ago. So he and his kids have been without insurance and didn't even know it. He is somewhat disabled, (bad back, knee joints and shoulders) but had managed to keep working despite the problem. Now he can't find another job, due to the economy and his disability.

He is being hounded for back child support and for not having insurance on the children. And he still does not have any money to hire a lawyer to help him out! He's afraid that the law will put him in jail, but he has no way of paying. As he said, "If I were still married and all this happened to us, I wouldn't be in trouble with the law."

He had a cell phone and used that to stay in contact with the children, and to get calls about possible jobs. He couldn't pay the bill, so lost the phone. Now he's out of communication and doesn't even know if one of the places he put in applications with is trying to get a hold of him.

And the last straw? He was injured working on a side job, but didn't go to hospital because of having no insurance. So now he's trying to heal from that on his own.

Thankfully, I have never been part of a divorce, which means that I am pretty ignorant of some things. When he talked to us about his situation, I really didn't know where to start offering advice. I suggested that perhaps there would be some sort of vocational rehabilitation for him, maybe some type of schooling to allow him to train for a different type of job. But I really don't know the in's and out's of that.

For those of you in the know: What kind of help is out there for someone in this situation? Are there places where he can find a lawyer for free? What about rehab and schooling? What advice can you give to someone with no money? Are there state or federal programs in place to help? If so, where does one go about finding them?

Although he might be eligible for welfare as far as housing and food, he has never applied for that. He's in his early 30s, and is almost defeated. He has no computer, but we'll help him if we can figure out where to start.

Help???

[HappyMama]

Dear For His Glory,

What your friend needs to do is find a Father's right group in his area immediately, and find a lawyer that will take his case pro bono. Call around to legal aid . He will need to get proper representation to get those orders changed. I use to work in the court system( in the area of Family and Children Domestic Violence mostly)
Also see if there is any churches that might have the means to get him a car seat , or an ad in Craigs list looking for one might do.

Tell him to document everything, including the fact the mother is putting the kids at risk by not letting him use the car seat and in effective interfering with custody ( by not letting him use the car seat etc) Have him get all pay stubs etc together along with all documentation and see if he can get a free legal advice from a Fathers rights attorney or pro bono as above.

Good luck feel free to pm if you need further information.

On a side note look up the laws in his state.

Hugs and Blessings,

[Lorelei]

Don't have any ideas on the divorce issues, but some hospitals rent car seats for a minimal amount.

[Missy]

Car seats are often available on craigslists or freecycle for nothing. Just a thought. I know other people might not like that. bUt it's something.

I would call and try to find a father's rights attorney. and find some help for housing etc.

[fernykins]

I agree a fathers rights attorney......... If your state has medial for peopl with no jobsthrough the county like California he should apply. If he is disabled he needs to file SSI or SSD. Good luck to him.......I hope things start looking up for him.
Fern

[forHISglory]

I'll look up father's rights on my computer and try to find something in his area. If I do, I'll get word to him. He's so down right now, and says that he sees no hope. I want to give him some hope.
Thank you. I knew FV folks would have some answers.

[leezza]

How about having him sign up for freecycle and asking for the child safety seats......(he could use the library computer).

I agree about the fathers group and possible pro-bono lawyer.

leezza

[Gabe]

How old are the little ones?

[forHISglory]

Gabe,
The children range from 2-7.

[hawkgirl]

My answer is based on my experience in Texas - other states' judges may view this differently...

Your friend has what sounds to be a standard visitation order and has probably been ordered to pay a percentage of his income in child support. If his paystubs reflect $60K per year, that's how the judge figures it. Tax returns are typically not used because of "creative accounting" on many filer's parts.

Judges also look at the noncustodial parents earning potential. For example, if dad is a doctor, he can't quit his practice and start working at McDonalds in order to pay less in child support.

It is the responsibility of each parent to provide for the children's well-being during their own periods of visitation. If the children are on a visit with dad, dad has to provide carseats, etc. I would advise dad to get some carseats pronto, or risk having decreased visitation due to failure to provide a safe environment.

I would advise him to get a job with benefits, regardless of how little it pays to show the State Attorney General's office that he is making an effort. But at some point he's going to have to be a big boy and get a job that meets his familial obligations.

[starsapphire]

Has he been in touch with the child support office at all? I know that here in our county in California they will work with you as much as they can within the limits of state law if you're going through a rough patch but you have to communicate with them. Kind of like the IRS. In California, you can request a modification of the child support order every 3 years. They do warn you that it could go up or down depending on the financial circumstances of both parents and once you begin the process there is no stopping. If there's a similar law in his state I would think that since he's in such a dire predicament now that if he requested a modification it would go in his favor (assuming he doesn't get the same judge - man, he sounds like a rough one!). Even if he doesn't go that route, I know that here if you lose your job and get on Unemployment or go on Worker's Comp, they will modify the order. They take it out of your UI/WC check, and they take out a lesser amount. But you have to call them and talk to them. I don't want to scare your friend - I know things are bad enough as it is, but if he doesn't communicate with them he can end up in jail.

He's got some phone calls to make. If I were him, I'd call Legal Aid or equivalent, Child Support (in the county where the order is), the Welfare office to get on welfare and medicaide, and find out if his state has State Disability and get on that if possible. From there he might be able to get some vocational rehabilitation.

I wish lots of good luck to your friend.

[Mom2Many]

Why is he not getting unemployment? Has he tried? Also, he may not like applying for aid but he needs to suck it up and do what he needs to do in order to have some stability.

As for the child support, he should be able to go get it modified with such a drastic change in circumstance. He does not need an attorney to do this. He needs to call the child support enforcement office and bug the heck out of them until someone helps him.


Also, the mom is under no obligation to let him use the car seat from his car. It would be nice, but they're a real pain in the behind to constantly keep reinstalling. Divorces don't just happen in a snap. Between the filing for divorce and the court order, he would have had time (and money) to get his own seat.

[FrugalMomof3]

He should be getting unemployment compensation. He should contact the local legal aid office to schedule a meeting and his situation. Also, It doesnt seem right that the judge would only leave him with $5000 a year to live on, that's like a $200 a month room with hopefully utilities included and food, gas in car.

Seems to me he got a jackass of a judge who certainly ruled against him. Also is the ex-wife working? Did the judge take her income into consideration? He should have.

He needs to go to the local welfare office and see what benefits he can get including medical assistance, he also needs to call the local child support office and ask to speak to someone about his case and provide proof, most often they will schedule an interview at a later date.

I am sorry he is going through all this but there is always the option of relinquishing parental rights, not something I approve of but it is a last resort.

[reginaastralis]

When you sit down and try to help your friend ... remind them that during the years he has been paying taxes into a system that is there for him now. Believe me, I'm a single mom and I am "too proud" to get food stamps or anything like that even though I am in the guidelines to be able to get it. However, I have a roof over my head and food on my table. If there was ever a time when I wasn't able to care for my child, I would ask for help.

Usually, but not always, you might be able to pick up a carseat at a local children's thrift store. Also, I know my parents bought an extra one for my daughter for about $40. It doesn't have all the bells and whistles, but it gets her from point a to point b safely, and that's all that matters. I believe they bought it at Walmart or possibly Sam's Club.

I agree about looking into a pro bono attorney to help him with his legal advice ... but he needs to get in touch with the child enforcement office of his area. If you are working with them, most of the time, they will work with you.

[Nishu]

This thread makes me angry. How can people be so hateful to each other? Not letting him use the car seats? I don't care if she's not obligated to, that's just spiteful.

I'm sorry your friend is going through this. It seems like there's no such thing as a fair divorce case.