Caring for parents...I need blunt advice...

**frugalbabe** · 08-24-2008, 01:59 AM

My ILs have always joked that we (dh and I) are their retirement plan. Through a lifetime of bad luck, not saving and planning well they have now reached their 60s and have absolutely no savings at all. Things are starting to come to a head and I can tell the time is drawing near that they are going to need family members to start stepping up and offering assistance. We used our entire savings a few years ago for an emergency surgery for FIL, we pay for them to come and visit us. We are the only ones in the family who have gone on to college and make a decent income. I do love them they are loving, kind people, wonderful parents and grandparents but I fear they are going to undo all of the hard work that we have done, I can see them drowning us financially in a very short time. Dh is great he doesn't want to put our family in jeapordy but at the same time he feels an obligation to take care of his parents. FIL will have SS in a year and MIL works a bit at the low wage jobs she can find. They will have to declare bankruptcy eventually and probably move in with us as their health continues to fail.

My question is has anyone ever been through this? How do we protect ourselves but still make sure they are taken care of? How do we as the children start to have frank and blunt conversations with them that their lifestyles are going to have to change? I guess I could really use some BTDT advice because I am feeling very nervous and yes even resentful right now.....Tell it to me like you see it --I've got my big girl undies on!

**tomishco** · 08-24-2008, 07:42 AM

Wow. I would just have to have a blunt conversation. If they are loving and good parents/grandparents they should see that they are being selfish by putting their kids/grandkids in financial jeopardy! Your kids have to come first, period. Put it gently but firmly. Good luck to you!

**ladykemma2** · 08-24-2008, 07:49 AM

why do they have to declare bankruptcy?

i know a family that solved this problem by buying the house next door. the two familes lived side by side so the parents could be looked after. all the parents assets went toward the purchase of the home.

**elphie** · 08-24-2008, 08:13 AM

I have not BTDT but my parents have with my grandmother so I can share what I learned from witnessing that situation.

At 60 there is no reason for them not to be working. If there are disabilities that prevent them from working then they should be getting assistance. If it is just a matter of having worked hard and not wanting to work then time for that tough conversation. There are plenty of things a 60 yo can do to help out... Wal-mart is always looking for help and so are many other similar places. This may not be enough money for them to still not need help but it is better than nothing.

In the meantime dh needs to call of his siblings together and have a talk about responsibility. Just because the two of you have more education and income does not mean that all of this burden is yours. There needs to be a decision about how much help each child can afford; some may not be able to afford as much as others but at least they are contributing. There should also be a decision about how much time each child can afford for things like doctor's appointments, shopping, etc. Again, it may not be equal but the burden should not fall to one family.

Lifestyle changes are going to take place on everyone's part; IL's, yours, and dh's siblings. Yes, in order to make this work you may all have to do w/o some things right now in order to do this. No, its not fair but that is the way it is right now. Your kids will learn an important life lesson about respobsibility and family that they may not appreciate now when you cancel cable or they can't take dance lessons for a while. But in the end they will get it and they will be better people for it.

Finally, you need to protect your kids financial future. You do not want your own kids to be wondering one day how they will afford to take care of you. You must continue to work toward your financial goals, even if only in small ways to ensure that doesn't happen.

Good luck and keep us posted on the progress.

**knotme** · 08-24-2008, 09:49 AM

we are not in the BTDT situation yet but it is coming here soon. Even though you want to get the siblings together to discuss the situation, you also need to be aware that if the inlaws are stubborn (like mine are) that no matter how much you talk to them, they sill not listen and do what they want to do. If you put things in a " this would really help us" mind set instead of "you need or have to do this" you might have better luck. (AMHIK)

Tough situation. bets of luck to you....

**rainbowgc** · 08-24-2008, 10:54 AM

One thing to remember is helping them may not mean having to throw your hard earned money at them. Maybe instead you take the lead in getting them into the social programs available to them. The squeaky wheel gets the oil; so if you take on caring for them there is no need for social services.

**elphie** · 08-24-2008, 03:24 PM

I would also add that you and dh need to decide up front where you draw the line and present a clear, united front about that when you talk w/ everyone... not a "We refuse to __________." But more like, "__________ is the best we can do, what will the rest of you do to help fill in the gaps?"

**leezza** · 08-24-2008, 04:09 PM

You may want to check things out that will help them without you having to have them live with you:

*Have them both sign up for AARP, (I think it’s only $12.00 a year) they can get many benefits and discounts on all kinds of things.

*Check into them signing up for AAA, (yes insurance but they also offer many discounts and benefits on things.

*Check there local area for senior apartments/living, (if it is just the two of them they will qualify and it is based on what their income is.

*If they own a home see if it is possible to have them sell it to move into a more reasonable senior setting.

*Check to see that they are both signed up for SSI, and also the medical stuff.

*If FIL served in the military make sure he is signed up for Veterans Benefits.

*Any bills or such you pay for should be paid directly to the vendor and not money given to them.

*Maybe buying gift cards to the grocery store they use, or buying gift cards to the gas station that is close to them.

*All of the children should chip in whether it be by money or by helping out.

I don’t think that you and your family should have to pay for all of their poor choices.

I think you should help them from the outside…..there is no reason that they should live with you…..I think your children should come FIRST.

JMHO,
leezza

**Samigirl** · 08-24-2008, 04:20 PM

Wow...you're in between a rock and a hard place. I don't have any profound advice to give. I just wanted to say, I don't blame you for feeling a bit resentful. It would be frustrating to have worked so hard to make a solid financial future for yourselves, only to have it possibly undone by someone else's lack of planning. I feel for you.

**jamie79** · 08-24-2008, 05:11 PM

I would be very blunt also. Plus there are lots of low income senior apt type places they could live as so not to live with you. My mom lived in one. It was 30% of her s.s. It included all utilities except phone. The had laundry facilities, a nice club house with activities, a sort of a library etc. The apts and grounds were kept up nicely. My oldest sister lives in the same complex and my next oldest sister lives in another which is very nice too.

**frugalbabe** · 08-24-2008, 11:22 PM

Such a wealth of information! First of all thanks for not flaming me when I tell my IRL friends I get lots of "I would just tell them tough" which while tempting, real life is just more complicated than that.

Some of the details are: FIL has had to have knee replacement surgery and will have to have another one his job is physical so that is becoming hard for him. They are in a lot of debt and were counting on the sale of their business for their retirement but after 10 years of not selling it the best they will probably be able to do is auction off the equipment and walk away. Their house is mortgaged to the hilt. They bought into an internet "get rich quick scheme" one of those make money even while you sleep! Which we warned them about but they didn't listen. And to top it all off they still have a 30 year old son with bipolar disorder who lives at home. Can you say we have a lot of tough conversations heading our way? Oh yeah. Luckily dh and I are on the same page. We have given up all of the frills in our life to meet our goals quickly (no cable, traveling, eating out) I am just bracing myself I guess!

**perSue** · 08-24-2008, 11:26 PM

Stick to your guns - and your plans.
Say No!

Tell them that you have what you have FOR YOUR KIDS!
Not to bail them outta debt or trouble when the time comes, as it seems it has.

Just be forthright - but delicate - with them.

State that you can only do so much and feel you've done more than your share, but you have your priorities... YOUR kids and YOUR retirement/savings.

They'll need to look elsewhere.

**cissylu** · 08-25-2008, 05:33 AM

Originally Posted by perSue

Stick to your guns - and your plans.
Say No!

Tell them that you have what you have FOR YOUR KIDS!
Not to bail them outta debt or trouble when the time comes, as it seems it has.

Just be forthright - but delicate - with them.

State that you can only do so much and feel you've done more than your share, but you have your priorities... YOUR kids and YOUR retirement/savings.

They'll need to look elsewhere.

yeah that! Also I`m sorry your having to go thru this.

**C@rol** · 08-25-2008, 07:26 AM

*Any bills or such you pay for should be paid directly to the vendor and not money given to them.

Very, very important!

You will have to be very blunt and be firm on your decisions of what you will and won't do.

You IL's are not broke. They have resources, though they are in debt. The same thing it took them to get into the debt they are in, is the same thing they will have to use to get them out. I feel (JMO) that you and your husband are being taken advantage of because you two earn a higher income.

I say don't fall for it. If they are smart enough to have a house and a business, they are smart enough to get themselves out of this mess they have created. While you and your husband don't want to see them homeless or hungry I believe they can find their own way out of the mess they have made.

You and your husband protect your family and make sure that you are financially stable and secure. You have to set up your own foundation for the future of your children and your retirement.

Help if you can, but with limits and stand by the limits you two set.

All the best.

**larabelle** · 08-25-2008, 08:00 AM

Originally Posted by C@rol

You IL's are not broke. They have resources, though they are in debt. The same thing it took them to get into the debt they are in, is the same thing they will have to use to get them out.

I totally agree. I also think that as long as you all are there to bail them out they will use you to do so. I think that when you make them realize that they need to do it for themselves then they will.