Share your strengths - how do you manage to...

**Shoshana** · 12-03-2008, 06:34 AM

How do you manage to translate the convictions that you hold in your heart regarding the way you want be into reality?

Really, how do you change core aspects of your selves or your lives?

For example:

How do you become organized if you are basically lacksadaisical?

How do you manage to live a clutter-free life if you are more of a "trees" than a "forest" person?

How do you accomplish those "major goals" when it doesn't seem like there is enough time to do the laundry and sleep?

**Momto2Boyz** · 12-03-2008, 06:51 AM

Ok, as dumb and as cheesy as this sounds...read the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. I read it several years ago, and if you read it and think about the concepts in the book, it can really change your perpective on how you see not only the world, but also how you see yourself interacting with the world.

I think in the aspect of house work...you really need to find a system that works for you and just adapt to it. I always try to keep in mind, that the world won't crumble to pieces if all of the laundry isn't done, there is always tomorrow!

I used to be a very "Lacksidasical" person. When I worked, I just never wanted to housework when I got home. But i found the lazy man's approach and it seems to work for me! If you are a TV junkie, then do what you can while watching TV (folding laundry, making grocery lists and menus, etc.), then get off the couch during every commercial, and work on a task until the show comes back on (switch a load of laundry, run a quick vacuum, etc.). You'll be surprised at how quickly things will get done, and you'll still feel rested, like you've relaxed while watching TV!

For me, it has been a maturity issue. As I've matured, I've gotten better at getting things done in a more efficient manner, and I don't let things pile up like I used too, and that helps too!

**pat in east texas** · 12-03-2008, 09:59 AM

I guess it's been a maturity issue for me, too. I used to let things pile up until I couldn't stand it but now I'm pretty good at keeping on top of things. I'm still somewhat of a procrastinator on the big projects (this month it's Christmas cards), But the day-to-day stuff gets done when it should be.

**MoonMommy** · 12-03-2008, 10:05 AM

I try to make small changes in what I do. I find that if you do big changes to your routine, etc all at once you can get overwhelmed. So, for me, I want to keep the house more organized/clean, so I try to do one thing a day towards that goal. Maybe on Monday it is vaccumming, Tuesday scrubbing the kitchen sink, etc. That way, I don't feel like I am Cinderella before she went to the ball, but I feel like my house isn't a COMPLETE shambles.

I also try to do that with other goals (like living greener). I made my own grocery bags. A few years ago I started hanging out the clothes during the summer (one day I will find a way to hang them all year), and so on.

**MomToTwoBoys** · 12-03-2008, 10:27 AM

I try to be as realistic as I can with what I want to achieve, then I extend myself a bit further and see if it can still be a reality. I make small changes, then see how that small change affects everything else. If it's minor or non-existent of an effect, then I push myself a bit further. I try not to overwhelm myself and do what I know I can handle.

I have those days when it seems like I have nothing else I can fit into my schedule. I just try to formulate a plan to tackle the major things, and then put the others to the side for a day that I can take care of it. I stopped trying to clean the entire house in one day, and instead I put each room of the house on different days. If I'm cleaning the bathrooms, those don't take me too long and I can usually do them in the morning before things get hectic. If it's something big like the basement, I do it in segments to the point where it looks like I got something accomplished. I've had it to where I clean and clean and clean, nothing looks clean at all. I realized that in order for that to change, I had to stop trying to do everything at once and focus on the things that gave me the biggest end result that was visible to everyone around me.

I've gotten to be a big procrastinator since I met DH, but I found that if I don't nudge myself into the direction of getting things done right away little by little, I'd keep kicking myself in the butt and procrastinating that much more. I come to the realization that something isn't going to be done if I don't do something about it.

**kittykatstrong** · 12-03-2008, 11:09 AM

I think for me it was wanting to set a good example for my kids. I grew up in a home that was messy, I mean like Clean House messy, and I have decided I dont want that for my kids.

**nuisance26** · 12-03-2008, 11:59 AM

~I've discovered that when things start to pile up and I'm running to hide from all I have to do(even things I really want to do!)that I'm not running from doing the things themselves but from being a responsible adult, from following through on a plan. It's helped me alot in every are of my life's goals to promise myself something childlike and frivolous as a reward for doing all the responsible stuff. Often after doing all my other stuff during the day I indulge in a few hours of dvd's or video games while sipping tea and munching cookies. I let myself really feel completely irresponsible whenever I can. When I take the kids out to play I act like a kid too. For me, indulging that carefree part of myself allows me to be pretty efficient the rest of the time. I don't know if that answers the question or not.~

**Sassyclass** · 12-03-2008, 02:33 PM

I'm a very laid back person, until you piss me off. I'm never in a hurry and just can't understand why so many people feel the need to rush through life. I pretty much take things a day at a time, What I get done is what I get done. Life moves on and I'm not going to die if the laundry is still there tomorrow. I get this from my real dad. He was so laid back it's not funny.
I have this same attitude at work. Some of my coworkers take everything so serious, not me. They make things harder than they have to be when they rush through everything. Me I get done what I get done and then leave it at work.

Cat

**cab54** · 12-03-2008, 05:38 PM

I have strengths??

Hmm.....well I have become a lot like Sassyclass (above). But it wasn't always so. I used to be very anxious, hurrying, worrying, trying to be perfect......

I changed. I got tired of it all. I realized that my anxiety was largely ingrained in me since childhood, so I went on some medication (for anxiety), cause I couldn't do it alone. Wish I could have. THEN, I got a new outlook on things. I thought 'what's the worst that could happen?' when I started to get anxious. I let up on myself. I think society makes us feel as though we have to do everything thus-and-so, and that isn't always true. I became my own person.

I get done what I can do in one day, and then let it GO. I'm not as hard on myself. No one notices either.

**happydog** · 12-04-2008, 05:28 AM

I have learned to set very small, realistic goals for myself. Flylady was GREAT for training myself to take baby steps, and that persistence does pay off--just not instantly. I think our society has trained us to want and expect instant gratification, in all things, and that isn't attainable for things that require new habits and skills.

Regarding clutter/organization stuff: adopting the "you can do *anything* for 15 minutes" mantra really, really was critical to me learning how to manage my household and personal time. Marathon sessions for anything that requires constant maintenance (like cleaning or laundry) don't work, because they don't change the underlying behaviors that caused the disorganization and clutter in the first place. And it's amazing what 15 minutes of really focused working can accomplish.

I set *one* small goal for myself at a time, of learning a new daily habit, and vowed to do it every day. After a month, it became second nature, and then I was able to add another new habit.

And sometimes, there really *isn't* enough time to sleep and do laundry. Life can be complicated. During those very difficult times (we've all had them--sick relatives, personal issues, working more than one job, etc.), you prioritize, and let the rest go. Having a perfectly organized life isn't worth more stress, when something big is already stressing you to the max.

Is there some specific aspect of organization that we could help you with? Like, how to tame the paper tiger (forever my nemesis), or coming up with a daily routine that you can practice for a month before you add to it?

I know that out-of-control feeling you are experiencing. It's no fun. If the village can help you, ask away.

**joyofsix** · 12-04-2008, 06:55 AM

Hmm, I'm probably just repeating what others have said.
1) Decide on what you really want to change. If you're trying to change something because you should it won't work. You have to want to.

2) Break it into small bits. Keep at it until it's habit. Don't add anything until it's a habit. It took me a couple weeks to remember to put the mail in the basket. Just stick with it.

3) Words from my grandma"-Do the dreaded job first." Just make yourself do the thing you don't want to. It really will improve the rest of the day.

**Shoshana** · 12-04-2008, 08:00 AM

Great ideas and suggestions, everyone, keep them coming!

joyofsix, you have one smart grandmother!

I do find it much easier to change certain things over others -- like being organized, or frugal -- the things that can be broken down into small steps, like many of you mentioned, over time become habits. Some of the changes have come out of necessity/maturity. I'm not sure it will ever be "natural" for me to put something away immediately after I use it, but at least the object gets put in its proper place within the day, instead of at the end of the week, or the month!

I'm really not sure what I was asking in the original post -- I just wanted to hear your ideas about changing, and implementing changing.

I'm in the bit of some cognitive and emotional angst right now, and that may have precipitated this post. Anyway, I thought of a metaphor yesterday...

I carry around a big, old suitcase. In that suitcase I put my dreams and wishes and long-term goals -- all of the things that I cannot or will not be able to manage to begin "now -- and I carry around that suitcase, month after month, year after year. Sometimes I feel a little sad when I think about what is in the suitcase, it's all precious to me, but it feels neglected. I'll bet I could set that suitcase at the side of the road and I'd feel lighter for not carrying it around. Over time, I'd probably not even miss the suitcase, but I'd probably find a new one to carry...

I think this is the crux of the problem... I work "really" hard about 80% of my waking hours. I think of how much I could do with that other 20% -- and instead I feel like I'm being self-indulgent by 'resting" or "doing nothing".

**MoonMommy** · 12-04-2008, 09:14 AM

When I was in grad school, I used to feel guilty if I took time off from working towards my degree to do anything fun. I felt like everyone else around me was SO much more driven than I was. Truth is, they were. They wanted it more than I did. They LOVED what they did so it wasn't a chore. I liked what I did but I didn't see it as a calling or a passion. Everytime I would sit down to work on my dissertation, I would get so depressed. It seemed like SUCH an uphill battle for something I really didn't want. So, I chose to just get my Masters instead. The happiest day of my life. Honestly. The weight of that PhD and dissertation was so big. Everyone's expectations of me (my parents, my mentor). My husband told me that he would support whatever I decided and he wanted me to do what made me happy. And he has. My mother still often laments about how wonderful it would have been had her daughter gotten a PhD, but....

I think what I mean to say with this ramble, is that we shouldn't feel guilty for taking time to rest or do nothing. We all need that too. Especially if you work hard so much. You will get burned out. Plus, you have a daughter, and I find that my life goals have been pushed a bit to the side since having kids. However, I know that there will be a time when they won't want or need me as much. Right now, they need me, so I can wait to expand my horizons. My house can wait. I do TRY to do small things for myself here and there. I want to take a class in Arabic or maybe take a class in French to reaquaint me with the language. I also TRY to do small things to improve my house. Maybe paint a room or something once in a while. Life moves by TOO quickly to beat yourself up for trying to enjoy it.

My personal problem is I have so many dreams, and I can see myself as so many "people". However, after much angst about my role in life, I came to the realization that I love what I am doing now and I (hopefully) will have time for other pursuits later.

**HisDaisy** · 12-04-2008, 02:56 PM

Originally Posted by MoonMommy

When I was in grad school, I used to feel guilty if I took time off from working towards my degree to do anything fun. I felt like everyone else around me was SO much more driven than I was. Truth is, they were. They wanted it more than I did. They LOVED what they did so it wasn't a chore. I liked what I did but I didn't see it as a calling or a passion. Everytime I would sit down to work on my dissertation, I would get so depressed. It seemed like SUCH an uphill battle for something I really didn't want. So, I chose to just get my Masters instead. The happiest day of my life. Honestly. The weight of that PhD and dissertation was so big. Everyone's expectations of me (my parents, my mentor). My husband told me that he would support whatever I decided and he wanted me to do what made me happy. And he has. My mother still often laments about how wonderful it would have been had her daughter gotten a PhD, but....

I think what I mean to say with this ramble, is that we shouldn't feel guilty for taking time to rest or do nothing. We all need that too. Especially if you work hard so much. You will get burned out. Plus, you have a daughter, and I find that my life goals have been pushed a bit to the side since having kids. However, I know that there will be a time when they won't want or need me as much. Right now, they need me, so I can wait to expand my horizons. My house can wait. I do TRY to do small things for myself here and there. I want to take a class in Arabic or maybe take a class in French to reaquaint me with the language. I also TRY to do small things to improve my house. Maybe paint a room or something once in a while. Life moves by TOO quickly to beat yourself up for trying to enjoy it.

My personal problem is I have so many dreams, and I can see myself as so many "people". However, after much angst about my role in life, I came to the realization that I love what I am doing now and I (hopefully) will have time for other pursuits later.

Thank you for this post.
I too left a PhD program without finishing. The weight that came off my shoulders was amazing. I realized that I was doing it for everyone else but me. I enjoyed what I was doing, but had lost my passion for it. I just wanted to be a wife for my husband and start a family. The depression I had while working on my dissertation was amazing.
Now that I have quit. I am a whole new person and my passion for life is coming back. Quitting was the hardest decision that I have ever made, but the also the best. I piece (or piles of ) paper does not define who I am.

I too am learning to make changes and how keep up with the housework. I find the little changes over time seem to work the best. My biggest problem now is motivation. After being in a high stress environment for so long, it hard for me to live in a low stress one. But over time it will get better.

**shoiji** · 12-04-2008, 06:31 PM

I do enjoy a clean house. Ok, so it may not be spotless at times but if company would drop by I would not be embarrassed. One key thing for me was finally having a cleaning system that actually works for me. My place used to be cluttered and disorganized. Breaking up the vacumming, washing and dusting to specific days instead of clean everything all in one day makes it more manageable.

On the days I really do not want to do something I force myself to get it done then afterwards do something I really enjoy. Even if it is just eating a piece of chocolate.

I am much happier now that the place is clean and organized and I never have to worry if someone stops by.