any sites on abuse of parents by children?

**never2late** · 03-18-2009, 06:31 PM

So sorry you are going through this. My DD now 17 was a handful as well. We never had a lock on her door but I would have to sit outside her room and hold the door shut for time outs. I feared for her older sister (by 17 months). She also only acted like this for myself and DH. I really believe it was her "safe place" where she could let it all out. Her sitter was in total disbelief at the stories I told her because she was perfect for her. To this day if she has problems with friends, school, etc., she holds it all inside, but I can usually tell there is something wrong because she acts out in other ways, in general being impossible to be around. I started using the "count to 3" rather than 3 chances. If by the count of 3 the behavior wasn't stopped or whatever the situation was, then there were consequences. This seemed to work relatively well for us. She was also extremely sensitive to certain things, especially having "bumpies" in her socks. How many days I was late for work trying to fix her bumpies, and the harder I tried, the worse it was. I then read a book called The Difficult Child. After the info I got from this book, I determined there was absolutely no way I could make it better for her, and in fact, with each attempt to make it better, things got progressively worse. So I started telling her I would try one time and one time only to fix it, and after that it was up to her to fix it and make it better. The first couple times there was a lot of crying and tantrums, but it didn't take long and they stopped. Even just getting this problem under control made my life a whole lot easier. Living with a child like this is really, really draining emotionally. I will admit even now at the age of 17 she really has her days, and I am actually looking forward to her being off to college next year. I am hoping she finds a whole new perspective to life, although I do worry about her.

Also, the hypoglycemia thing someone mentioned can also play a role. When we would go on family vacations and eat at times other than our regular scheduled times, we found she was absolutely uncontrollable and unbearable. But she would never actually say she
was hungry. Once we figured out the trick of having her eat at scheduled times when on vacation or on hectic weekends, it made our life so much better. The problem was if we waited too long, she didn't want to eat, saying she "wasn't hungry." So the trick became identifying her behavior and getting her to eat something before it got too bad.

I feel your pain. Take care.

**MommyBliss** · 03-18-2009, 07:20 PM

Just sending good thoughts your way! Good luck, April 8th isn't that far away!

**cab54** · 03-19-2009, 10:23 PM

Originally Posted by ladykemma2

wanted to add: get her tested for hypoglycemia - low blood sugar can make a person rage and irrational.

oooh, good point, ladyK.

I think the fact that she is good for everyone but you and your dh means she CAN be good. Just to be sure--get that medical checkup. If all is well with her physically, then knuckle DOWN.

Kids WANT boundaries. It gives them security. They WANT you to show them that they have limits with you, and that you WILL enforce them. This will take being completely different from the way you've been as a dad and mom. (Very tough.)

And it won't work the first time, or second time, and maybe not the tenth....... You will have to do over and over and OVER again. Because she will try you--to see if you mean it. She wants to know that you will ALWAYS stop her from herself. It will take MAJOR consistency...... to work. You can't wax and wane on this.

I would sit her down beforehand and say "These are the things we expect from you, and also the things you will be punished for if you try them...." (here's where you whip out the list you and dh have pre-made up. It will say daughter CANNOT say she hates us, she cannot scream and throw or THIS will happen______. Etc, etc...).

And then.....you cannot fail, no matter what's happening...to follow through. Since your dh is having crises of his own, this may fall on you for awhile. But when he decides to take part, he has to do exactly what you both said you would do. Later, when she's calm, give her hugs and tell her you love her. You don't need to talk about what happened.

This will seem very hard and very mean to start with, but this is your CHILD. You have one chance with her.

When you are NOT having a crisis with her, be SURE to show her love and affection, and positive vibes. Do NOT say she has been very good lately. This is an invitation to not be. Just say something like you love her.

Of course, this is only if professionals rule out mental or physical problems.

**craftypam** · 03-23-2009, 07:17 AM

Originally Posted by LynnLC

I'm confused.Explain?

I had a son with ADD which affected every area of his life and some people would say he just needed to me smacked. When a child is acting out badly there is usually more to it than that. There are so many other reasons than discipline that could be the problem. My son is now a grown adult and behaving in a very normal fashion; not so when he was in school. And the problem was not because of disciplining; he had a problem with self control because of the ADD

**craftypam** · 03-23-2009, 07:25 AM

Originally Posted by never2late

so sorry you are going through this. My dd now 17 was a handful as well. We never had a lock on her door but i would have to sit outside her room and hold the door shut for time outs. I feared for her older sister (by 17 months). She also only acted like this for myself and dh. I really believe it was her "safe place" where she could let it all out. Her sitter was in total disbelief at the stories i told her because she was perfect for her. To this day if she has problems with friends, school, etc., she holds it all inside, but i can usually tell there is something wrong because she acts out in other ways, in general being impossible to be around. I started using the "count to 3" rather than 3 chances. If by the count of 3 the behavior wasn't stopped or whatever the situation was, then there were consequences. This seemed to work relatively well for us. She was also extremely sensitive to certain things, especially having "bumpies" in her socks. How many days i was late for work trying to fix her bumpies, and the harder i tried, the worse it was. I then read a book called the difficult child. After the info i got from this book, i determined there was absolutely no way i could make it better for her, and in fact, with each attempt to make it better, things got progressively worse. So i started telling her i would try one time and one time only to fix it, and after that it was up to her to fix it and make it better. The first couple times there was a lot of crying and tantrums, but it didn't take long and they stopped. Even just getting this problem under control made my life a whole lot easier. Living with a child like this is really, really draining emotionally. I will admit even now at the age of 17 she really has her days, and i am actually looking forward to her being off to college next year. I am hoping she finds a whole new perspective to life, although i do worry about her.

Also, the hypoglycemia thing someone mentioned can also play a role. When we would go on family vacations and eat at times other than our regular scheduled times, we found she was absolutely uncontrollable and unbearable. But she would never actually say she
was hungry. Once we figured out the trick of having her eat at scheduled times when on vacation or on hectic weekends, it made our life so much better. The problem was if we waited too long, she didn't want to eat, saying she "wasn't hungry." so the trick became identifying her behavior and getting her to eat something before it got too bad.

I feel your pain. Take care.

difficult child excellent excellent book

**VanVivCam** · 03-23-2009, 08:16 AM

Hugs to you! Since she acts well with others, can she spend more time with your in-laws....maybe three or four nights each week until she gets to the doctors? Good Luck!

**SaucyCranberry** · 03-23-2009, 02:52 PM

I read your other update and I'm so sorry your family is going through this. PLEASE get her checked by a doctor for Asperger's/Autism, Oppositional Definiance Disorder, mental illness and blood sugar issues. At this point a counselor or reading a book can help you cope better, but it won't treat a possible undiagnosed physical issue that is causing this behavior.

My son has Asperger's and Oppositional Defiance Disorder. He started manifesting the symptoms as a baby and just turned seven. He can curl hair with his outbursts, tantrums, he is quick to say he hates people, and traditional disipline does NOT work with him. He doesn't care what we take away, he'll sit in time out for TWO HOURS rather than apologize with a simple "I'm sorry." He's the most exhausting person I've ever been around, and I love him dearly, but it is a challenge each and everyday. Having a diagnosis for him didn't change his behavior, but it does help me deal with it.

PLEASE let us know how you all are doing what what you learn.

**cissylu** · 03-23-2009, 03:30 PM

Sh definately has issues. Sorry you are having to go thru this.

**ml2620** · 03-23-2009, 04:08 PM

KCSmom76, I just want to give you a big hug. I am so sorry for this situation.

I have a different perspective on this than perhaps some other people. My sister was like this, demanding, controlling, fits, tantrums and ruling the roost. At 13 it became much more of an issue, she was diagnosed as manic depressive and suicidal. She spent 2 months (and all my college savings) in a mental hospital at 14. Forever after, my parents placated her and did whatever she wanted to avoid her fits and threats to kill herself. I left home, my younger sisters had to stay and watch. Whatever trauma I endured - they had it far worse.

Long story short, their are 4 kids in our family. The amount I dispise and resent my sister cannot conceivably be measured and it has caused irreparable harm to my relationship with my parents and other sisters.

This isn't just about dealing with your daughter, it's about dealing with and doing what is best for your family.

If she's been difficult since she was a baby I don't think it's learned behavior - please deal with it before her hormones start kicking in and she really loses it, and finds new ways to upset and destroy you (drinking, drugs, sex, friends, running away, pregnancy - you name it, my family went through it).

Love and Prayers to you - and apologies if this seems cruel.

**mom2bobsarah** · 03-23-2009, 05:38 PM

Originally Posted by ml2620

KCSmom76, I just want to give you a big hug. I am so sorry for this situation.

I have a different perspective on this than perhaps some other people. My sister was like this, demanding, controlling, fits, tantrums and ruling the roost. At 13 it became much more of an issue, she was diagnosed as manic depressive and suicidal. She spent 2 months (and all my college savings) in a mental hospital at 14. Forever after, my parents placated her and did whatever she wanted to avoid her fits and threats to kill herself. I left home, my younger sisters had to stay and watch. Whatever trauma I endured - they had it far worse.

Long story short, their are 4 kids in our family. The amount I dispise and resent my sister cannot conceivably be measured and it has caused irreparable harm to my relationship with my parents and other sisters.

This isn't just about dealing with your daughter, it's about dealing with and doing what is best for your family.

If she's been difficult since she was a baby I don't think it's learned behavior - please deal with it before her hormones start kicking in and she really loses it, and finds new ways to upset and destroy you (drinking, drugs, sex, friends, running away, pregnancy - you name it, my family went through it).

Love and Prayers to you - and apologies if this seems cruel.

Sorry, not trying to hijack the thread, has anyone mentioned Borderline Personality Disorder with regard to your sister? Sounds like that is what it is to me it is often mistaken for bi-polar (or often, the two can coincide in your head at the same time). Personal experience here. Feel free to PM me if you like.

**Shoshana** · 03-23-2009, 08:03 PM

Children & teens cannot be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Their personalities are still forming. The diagnosis cannot be made until after one is 18.

I hope the time until your appointment isn't too difficult...

**mom2bobsarah** · 03-24-2009, 09:03 AM

Originally Posted by Shoshana

Children & teens cannot be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Their personalities are still forming. The diagnosis cannot be made until after one is 18.

I hope the time until your appointment isn't too difficult...

Actually, I was speaking to ml2620 not op. Should have clarified, sorry about that. I know BPD cannot be diagnosed until 18. I was not inferring that the OP's daughter had BPD way too early to even suggest that. As a side note I also suspect Asperger's for the OP's daughter.

Thank you

**nvmommyx6** · 03-24-2009, 10:58 AM

Firstly, here is a link for the home token system, http://www.pubmedcentral.nih.gov/art...?artid=1310790
second, here is the link to my version of it I have altered a bit to fit the needs of my house! http://www.frugalvillage.com/forums/blogs/nvmommyx6/172-children-discipline.html

We have a blended family of 8, and it was hell on earth when we first blended the kiddo's!
Good luck, and I will be sure to keep you in my prayers (((HUGS))))