Are you "good" at friendship?

**ml2620** · 08-31-2009, 12:35 PM

My mom gave me the book "The Girls from Ames" and I am enjoying it very much, but it's made me a little depressed too.

It's about a group of 11 girls who have been the best of friends since they were very young kids in Ames, IA (they are not in their forties).

I see how much I have missed in not having many close female friends. I have one good friend from high school, we are totally there for each other, but are very VERY different people without much time for one another. I have work friends, often times they are men. I've never had much luck in the friendship department, I think I am a little distant and overwhelmed with my own life.

I just wondered how common this was, and if you had any good stories about forming good female friendships as an adult.

**cab54** · 08-31-2009, 01:21 PM

No.

I am like you, for years I thought there was something very wrong with me because I didn't hold on to friendships very long. Now that I'm 55, I don't worry about it. I'm kind of a homebody, anyway. Not a go-er and a do-er.

My saving grace has been that I have 3 sisters that I'm close to. They are (and always have been) my best friends. I think the fact that other friends didn't 'feel' like the relationship I have with my sisters, enters into the fact that I don't really have a circle of non-sister friends.

Also, my best friend as a kid, she moved away to W. Va. My high school friends turned into tramps and druggies when we turned adults. I was too busy working and putting myself through school after that to really 'maintain' a friendship......

That's another thing. What is with this 'maintaining' friendships?? It's like there's a book of rules anymore. You must call so many times a week, do 'something' with them so many times a month, be the one who comes up with ideas of things to do at least 1/2 the time, be a 'yes man' to everything they say , or ELSE. Or else they will accuse you of not maintaining' the friendship and 'drop' you. WTH?

My sisters and I can NOT talk for a month (hey, we're busy with families and junk)and when we do connect, it's all "hey I'm so glad to hear your voice, how are ya?" None of that 5th grade

---you haven't called me, or wanted to do anything with me, you are not holding up your end of the friendship."

**perSue** · 08-31-2009, 01:27 PM

Not me.
I have as many friends as I can count on one hand... fingers only (thumb is not a finger!) LOL
I wish too that I could make friends. The ones I have, like you, we dont get to see often.
I'm somewhat intimidating because I don't have a problem speaking my mind or my opinions. Or the subjects I prefer to talk about don't revolve around gossip, clothing, shopping, decorating or whatever.
Also, w/out sounding like I'm tooting my own horn, the job and university classes I take are very cerebral... again intimidating.
So friends are something I am learning to live without... especially female "acquaintances" - since making friends for me is an investment, taking years to develop.

I think whatever works for you is good.
As others have given me the advice, I'll pass along...
if you want friends, make yourself available, go to places you enjoy and just talk to people... you never know who you'll encounter.

Me? Well I'm my own friend I guess.

**savvy_sniper** · 08-31-2009, 02:32 PM

I doubt very seriously there are many woman out there that have eleven "close" friends. I have two close friends - one from high school (37 years) and one from after high school (30 years).

My friend from high school and I have drifted apart in recent years. I tried to keep the friendship closer, but she just didn't have the time for me any more. It became very one sided and I finally realized that I wasn't getting my fair share out the relationship; so I have quit trying.

My other friend and I live about 50 miles away from each other. So we don't see each other often, BUT we talk on the phone about once a week. We both have full busy lives and are happy that we can at least talk on the phone. She was there for me when my mom died and went above and beyond the call of duty.

**frugalfranny** · 08-31-2009, 02:48 PM

I have three friends that are from high school. The rest I have met as I got older.

I have moved/traveled a lot so that makes it hard to 'maintain' a friendship as you drift away after awhile. I still email many of the people I knew in So. Calif. but as for being close I would say no...we aren't.

I also think as you get older it is harder to make/meet friends........you can be busier with family or etc., more set in your ways on what you will accept for friendship.......and this can be a good thing....but still puts a limit. The other thing that can affect it is that you just don't want to try/put the effort forward/invest the time; as I am more than happy 'in my own skin' and can enjoy my own company so I probably don't extend myself as often as I would have when younger.

**xtena** · 08-31-2009, 02:48 PM

I have one friend left from high school. One of my 'best' friends dumped us all when she went off to college. Another, a guy, committed suicide when I was living overseas, in the days before I had internet, and I didn't find out until several months after the fact. I commuted to college and never made any close friends there. I've always been friendly with colleagues, but none of those work friendships has really survived. I've lived in Vegas for over five years and don't have any close friends there, either. It doesn't really bother me; I'm a homebody and a bit of a loner. My best friends are my family (immediate and extended).

**Jamielane** · 08-31-2009, 03:50 PM

I have one good friend from all the way back to 1st grade. Our friendship goes in spurts of closeness and not close. Its always been that way. We can go a year or longer with no contact during certain periods. My oldest daughter was being diagnosed with a heart ailment and I pulled away. I felt like I just wanted to concentrate on my family and didnt have anything to contribute to a friendship at that time. When she went through her divorce she pulled away because we had NOTHING in common. She was going out dating, etc and I had a husband and family. I will say though we always have been able to call each other and say I need blah blah blah and the other is there for her when the need comes up. I have lots of aquantinces. I dont need or want a bunch of friends. I am happy to spend my time with my husband and kids and I like being by myself . I dont have any interest in going out , eating out etc so I am not really a "fun" friend I guess. Plus I see that usually with friendship (especially with other woman) comes drama and I am just not interested in any drama. Also my husband is not really social either. He doesnt have any close friends either and thats by his own choice. I used to encourage him to pursue friendships early in our marriage but he says he likes to spend his time with his family . We both have many hobbies. I encourage him on his and he does the same and we get along wonderfully almost all the time. Interestingly enough we have two daughters and one is like us, lots of people she knows and likes only 1 really good friend. The youngest has lots of friends and is very social. We encourage them both to do whatever makes them happy.

**Missourimom** · 08-31-2009, 07:17 PM

Originally Posted by cab54

No.

That's another thing. What is with this 'maintaining' friendships?? It's like there's a book of rules anymore. You must call so many times a week, do 'something' with them so many times a month, be the one who comes up with ideas of things to do at least 1/2 the time, be a 'yes man' to everything they say , or ELSE. Or else they will accuse you of not maintaining' the friendship and 'drop' you. WTH?

I had to laugh when I read this, but it's so true. It seems like I've been reading more about "maintaining" friendships. Please, I have enough on my plate already without having to worry about coddling an adult woman so she doesn't feel insecure.

**frugalwarrior** · 08-31-2009, 07:39 PM

No, I cannot maintain all that. I don't have the money to spend on going out all the time. I don't care about sports teams,makeup,gossip,status.clothes,pop culture. I hate loud bars and don't drink anyway. I don't belong to any RL groups and am currently not going to church. People make me anxious anyway w/ all their drama and chaos. I don't want to explain everything I do. or defend it. I didn't grow up in a social family. It is not second nature for me to go toward a group.
My best friend from high school passed away shortly after high school but we had drifted apart anyway. I was thinking of going to my high school reunion but I can't remember any of the people going and it would be awkward.
I feel I should be more social but where to start? I cannot believe that many women don't criticize who ever isn't there anyway.

**jamie79** · 08-31-2009, 07:50 PM

I have one friend that I speak with weekly. We have been friends a dozen yrs. When your military and move alot people come and go out of your life. Some people I know I have known since h.s ( 30 yrs) and we touch base once in awhile. I was always the one mantaining the friendship so I let alot of that go

**gapeach** · 08-31-2009, 07:52 PM

I have one really close friend from high school and alot of acquaintances. My husband isn't of the "social nature" so we tend to do things by ourselves alot. We also do alot with my family. At first it bothered me some but now I'm use to it.

**Pemberleyan** · 08-31-2009, 08:16 PM

I am not. In high school, I was somewhat shy and not with the "in" crowd. My high school class was very "cliqueish." After that, what with moving several times and having a very busy career for several years, I just didn't keep up with my two best friends from high school. Now that I'm middle-aged and childless, it's more difficult to meet people, much make friends with someone of a similar lifestyle.

**dolphin** · 08-31-2009, 08:20 PM

Oh my, I have MANY friends. Girlfriends and Guyfriends both! I've never really been a social person but when I make a friend, no matter if I don't hear from them for 10 years, we are still "friends" and can catch up and go on as before. They are very much closer than "aquaintances". I've moved several times so I don't have that closeness where we DO things but I have a phone book full of numbers that I can call if I or they want to talk and ....they always do.

At present I have "1" girlfriend and "1" guyfriend that live in my area that I talk to and see alot. Yes, I'm married and actually, the guyfriend is dh's friend but dh doesn't like to talk on the phone much and so me and him talk alot, lol. I'm VERY married and there is no chance of any hanky panky, he just talks like, well, a girlfriend, lol. My girlfriend is so lovely to talk to and we never worry about the lunches or who called last thing. It helps that she is also my neighbor and that her husband is my husbands best friend. We share coupons, discuss neighborhood gossip, run errands for each other, and invite each other to parties and try to remember birthdays with something special. Just try to do something every once in a while to let them know we love them and remember them. I think that's what friendship is really all about, remembering someone and being there for them when they just need ...a friend....

I guess I am very blessed when it comes to friends. But, I try to always maintain contact even if it's only a Christmas card and I NEVER "burn bridges". I guess you could say maybe I havne't changed much over the years since 2 of my good friends are from when I was 15 and 18 and I'm 54 now.

**Backtoreality** · 08-31-2009, 08:23 PM

I have been thinking about this question for a few weeks now. Because my DD was saying how many of her "friends" aren't true friends. And I said something like"friends are very rare and aren't necessarily here right now" Funny, how we are on the same page alot of the time.

I have never had a "close" female friendship. I guess I have never "fit in". In high school, I was the caregiver at home and had responsiblities, I was not into the clothes, boys, hair, makeup, etc of high school.

In college, I was way to busy paying for and learning to get catch up in all that stuff! Fast forward 25 years and I still have "people I know" but no lasting friendship (except for DH!). And finally after 49 years, I okay with it. I agree with all they others when they say I'm a homebody, I am interested in totally different things than most women. Oh, and you should see the looks when I bring up gardening, canning, sewing, knitting, etc.!!! Oh well....

**dolphin** · 08-31-2009, 08:29 PM

Hmmm, I just thought of something....

When I was in my 20's and early 30's I had lots of girlfriends but I couldn't trust them because even though they were married, they always seemed to be after my dh...

So, I think at certain times of your life or relationship, it's best not to have a bunch of "friends", lol. I've long since gotten over that part of my life and yes, I'm still with the same dh but you can imagine how hard it was for me to trust a "woman friend" for awhile.

Now I am VERY choosy about any new friends. So maybe as we get older, we really don't need lots of friends, we just need "a true friend".

I think at certain times of your life it's perfectly normal not to have any real life friends that demand your attention. If your past friends are "true" they will be there when you are ready to receive them again and understand your "departure".

Even online friends are "friends". I have online friends that know more about me in the last 7 years than real life friends could ever imagine knowing about me. We are close and have NEVER met in real life, but I'll never forget them.