Where does a persons loyalty lie

**jas** · 09-14-2009, 08:34 PM

Just say you and your best friend both have sons that are good friends. (Now both over the age of 21) Your bff is a pretty intense personality and rides/rode her kids butts, and say your a little more laid back. She pretty much goes ballistic over just about anything. Needles to say there have been times her kids have said "don't tell my mom" nothing of any earth shattering consequence.

Her son moved away almost two years ago January to live with and get to know his father. My bff of course couldn't stop him but didn't want him to go because his father smokes and not cigs is in a band ect. Her son is into music also and has dabbled in drugs. She pretty much knew her son would get heavier into smoking ect. His dad would be more of a buddy than a parent.

Just as a side note when her son lived here he was heavy into church and playing/singing at church. I know the drug part does not compute. I agree. Anyway,

He certainly has dropped any church activity. My ds has kept in touch with him and has on occasion shared info with me about what he is doing or into. My ds made plans to go see him this summer for his (her sons) 21st birthday. The plans were made for months and everyone was hoping he would come home once my son visited. Her son is not happy there.

When my son came back he said that----- was not the same anymore smoked from sun up to sundown stayed stoned all the time. Cheated on a drug test to get a job ect.... all the things my bff was afraid of happening.

Now for the part that su cks my son specifically has told me not to share this with his mom. It would of course come back to him. And my friend would of course get right on the phone and rip her son a new one, stop almost any chance of him wanting to move back home, and then my son is going to NEVER tell me anything again.

It would come down to a he said(my son/He said (her son) situation.

You see over something else in just general conversaton my bff has already called her son and got crap started and he (her son )called me and told me to mind my own business. Which was totally uncalled for because it was my bff who just went off like everyone always tries to avoid.

Should I keep my mouth shut and keep these things my son has shared or give his mom the heads up when he will deny it and then what was the point anyway.

**Thevail** · 09-14-2009, 08:49 PM

The far more important relations ship involved is you and your son.

The dope smoking kid and his mom already have a lot of problems. I'm not quite sure how creating a trust issue between you and your kid helps anyone.

**Cricket1** · 09-14-2009, 09:03 PM

I would say that your SON told you something in confidence. It would not go further than that with me. It sounds like you have a good relationship with your son--don't mess with that! Your bff already knows what her son is up to. I'd keep my nose out of all of it.

**jas** · 09-14-2009, 09:05 PM

That was my thinking too. Thanks

This whole situation with my friend has been bothering me. I just get the impression she thinks or would think that I should tell her no matter what. I know she doesn't share everything with me about what is going on with her son, I have no problem if her son tells her something and asks her to keep it private.

Sometimes she acts like she can have secrets but nobody better be keeping things from her she takes it very badly. Hence the reason people temper what they say to her. For good reason, she overreacts.

It is just sad that we have been friends for over 24 years and It has come down to something like this.

**IndigoMom** · 09-14-2009, 09:10 PM

I'd say your loyalty lies with your son. You're friend already seems to have a good idea of what's going on. Her son must not care for how he's changed himself or he wouldn't be considering moving back home with his Mom - where he knows it's not going to fly to be smoking like that. If you say anything and it causes an issue before he's ready to deal with that issue - it's going to back fire on everyone. You're son won't talk to you, his friend won't even feel he can confide in your son, and there's a good chance your friend will hold some resentment as well. Because in the end, she can only give him help/advice/encouragment he's willing to accept. Until he's ready, there's really nothing she can do or say that will have any positve effect.

**jas** · 09-14-2009, 09:32 PM

Thank you all for your advise.

She has not talked to me for almost two months already over something stupid that has now dragged on. On my birthday she on purpose didn't call, e-mail nothing. Anyone else I wouldn't even think twice if someone didn't acknowledge my birthday it isn't that big a deal but the thing is her husbands b-day is the same day as mine and she has always at least said happy birthday. I know she on purpose chose not to and I would know she did it on purpose getting her point across that she is mad.

Wed is her birthday and I don't want her to feel the same sting as I did when she ignored mine. I am not going to call but was thinking about sending a happy birthday e-mail at the very least. Even if its only in the subject line as I don't know she would read an e-mail from me. She ignored a previous one from me. Or send her a card. Is this stupid on my part? After the birthday greeting, however I send it, if she does not respond in any way I am not going to try anymore. I can take a hint I just don't want to outright ignore the fact it is her b-day.

**Dobby** · 09-14-2009, 10:28 PM

Boy, she sure sounds mature, doesn't she? As to the son, he is 21; he may not be making great decisions, but they are his to make.

**jas** · 09-14-2009, 10:34 PM

yes it all seems so blown out of proportion at this point and I really do think the friendship probably will never be mended which is sad. I just wish it would not have ended this way.

**Gibs** · 09-14-2009, 10:38 PM

I agree with what everyone else has said, the mother already knows what her son is into. You seem to have a good and trusting relationship with your son and I think that you should keep it that way.

I also agree with Dobby, he is 21 and therefore old enough to make his own decisions, weather they be smart or not....

And hugs with regards to the birthday thing, I am not sure what I would do, perhaps send her a birthday greeting, at least then you are not stooping down to her level of completely ignoring your birthday, for what?? ....just to hurt you. Sad that a bff would have an adgenda to want to even do that in the first place.

**frugalwarrior** · 09-14-2009, 10:44 PM

These are 21 year old adults. Right.

**jas** · 09-14-2009, 11:00 PM

Originally Posted by frugalwarrior

These are 21 year old adults. Right.

yes they are adults

**mauimagic** · 09-14-2009, 11:28 PM

my heart goes out to you. I agree with all that your loyalty lies with your son - no question.

Is she really a good friend forever, or is this a friendship that is ending anyway - as some friendships do? Personally - I would send her an email birthday greeting and have that, be that. Please do not beat yourself up over this - breathe deeply and get on with your life. And thank God for your son and for the way you raised him!!

**frugalfranny** · 09-15-2009, 02:37 AM

I think thevail hit it right on the head..........got it right and I agree.

It really isn't your problem.....so why take a chance on messing up the relationship you have with your son.

**Lora88** · 09-15-2009, 07:00 AM

As the mother of 4 grown kids i have been in this very spot Do not tell what you know If you did you would not only betray your sons trust but would thrust yourself in the middle of a very bad situation.
As far as the birthday thing goes sorry she was so immature and ignored you If you want to continue a relationship with her I would Email a Happy Birthday greeting. If she does not respond then you know where you stand. Quite honestly its her loss as you seem to be a nice caring friend . and someday she will realize what she lost

**Nada.Leona** · 09-15-2009, 07:18 AM

Here's a thought: Your friendship with your best friend is already on the rocks, right? Chances are, it's not going to be fixed, and from the sound of it, it's not your fault as much as hers.

My suggestion, if you want to do something for the son, is call her out! I wouldn't bother phoning her, but I'd email her and say, "Look, you know your son is doing this, this, and this. Here's what you're doing wrong." Don't say anything about what your son told you, so as to not betray your trust and relationship with him. This is more about the two of you, and the implications her attitude and methods have on her son.

Send it to her, and basically look back on the happy memories as just that -- happy memories -- and move on.

If she doesn't read it, then she doesn't read it. If she does read it, it might just be the little spark she needs to realize her errors. If she gets mad, there wasn't much friendship there to begin with, and you're not really out anything. In the end, what do you have to lose, seriously?