Getting a Child to Declutter

**Shelli_wnj** · 12-17-2009, 10:34 AM

HELP! First of all, I hope I have this in the right place...
My daughter has too much of everything. She is a world-class pack-rat. She saves everything. Feathers, buttons, clothing, toys, string. You name it, she has it. She's 6!!! Whenever I go into her room, I get this smothered feeling, like the walls are closing in on me. But whenever we go in there together with the idea of cleaning it out, I get a world-class emotional response, like I am trying to take her treasures away from her.
Other than being more emotional than most, there is no underlying reason why she should be keeping this stuff. She just feels like it's hers and she wants it. She "feels bad" (her words) when she throws stuff away, and most of it's not donate-able. The clothing is, most of it is too small for her, but she wants to keep it for her kids someday. I was floored, what do you say to that? The "collections" are just that to her. Buttons, string, beads, etc - they are her collections. Toys - oh my, toys. She's 6. Other than the infant toys, which I gave away myself (she wan't too happy about that!) she has all the toys from Christmases and birthdays past. Even the broken ones. I have tossed them, and she rescues them. It's like she gets an extreme emotional attachment to things.
Please help me get my daughter's room de-cluttered!!! :-)
Shellie

**justpeachy92** · 12-17-2009, 10:42 AM

At the age of 6 she is old enough to understand that there are reasons why we don't keep all of our stuff. Help her organize her collections, get a small container to put her buttons in, she can only keep the ones that fit in the container, the rest get tossed. Do that with all of her collections. Establish a new item rule, if she wants a new toy she gets rid of an old one, etc.

**celina** · 12-17-2009, 10:51 AM

with my aspie daughter, i go by halves..

she can keep 5 of the 10 , 2 of the 4, whatever..poor kids need the clothes...and mommy will help you buy more for your kids..but these other kids are cold NOW

here is a box, wht can fit in you can keep..

if you are truly concerned about her ocd like behavior, seek help..they'll help her find coping techniques..

my daughter has always been great with the half and then then half...

even if you start off 2 of 5 items gone..she can keep 3..then do it again in a bit..

STOP acquiring more..no more new toys...

one in 2 out..

validate her..but talk with her about needs of others..and confort her that you wont let her kids in the future go without..

also dont let you feeling about feeling closed in overshadow it all..she might get comfort from her stuff....so find a middle ground..and work with her,..even if today we find 10 things...even if small

DO NOT TACKLE IT ALL AT ONCE, she'll freak

and dont quietly remove items, i'm still hearing about an item i got rid of 5 years ago..sigh...

good luck..

**Contrary Housewife** · 12-17-2009, 10:51 AM

Perhaps you can pack away some of the things she wants to "save" and put them in the garage or basement. Later, when they have been out of sight and forgotten about, you can get rid of them when the emotional bond is broken.

**monkeywrangler71** · 12-17-2009, 11:30 AM

My daughter had this problem (still does). It's so frustrating, I hardly ever bought her stuff but it didn't matter, she'd fill her pockets with trash she found on the side of the road everyday on the way home from school. Everything was 'special'. It was extremely difficult for me because my OCD goes the other way, I can't stand having anything at all around.

We used the same method as celina, choose half of everything. Then a few months later go back and cut it in half again. But we were never able to keep with it, she accumulates at an alarming rate.

**joyofsix** · 12-17-2009, 12:21 PM

I generally take a garbage bag, a bos and a tote into the room. If it's trash it goes in the bag, if someone else can use it it goes in the box, if they can't part with it it goes in the tote. If they haven't asked me for it in a couple months it disappears.

**nuisance26** · 12-17-2009, 12:25 PM

~I agree was Contrary Housewife and I was going to suggest the same thing myself.
I also suggest subtly steering her towards stories, movies, books and conversations about simplicity and poverty. You don't have to say anything as cliche as "There are starving kids in China" but when people, even children, understand how much they have in comparison to others they are often motivated to cut back.
I think you are doing a great thing helping her through this early in life. I wish I had gotten a grip on clutter as a child. It would have saved me so much trouble as an adult.~

**Libby** · 12-17-2009, 12:40 PM

Originally Posted by nuisance26

I wish I had gotten a grip on clutter as a child. It would have saved me so much trouble as an adult.~

I SO agree with nuisance

**hotprincesscm** · 12-17-2009, 03:11 PM

Wow, tough situation. I'm in the same situation myself. My two boys share a bedroom, and it's stuffed full of stuff! I've tried having them clean and organize things the way they wanted to, and that doesn't work, I've tried helping them, and that doesn't work, I've tried going in and doing it all myself and within days it's a disaster again. I've had the talk about having more space in their room to play, and especially with Christmas coming up and the truckload of new things they will be getting...but nothing seems to work with them! One of these days I'm going to go in when they are not at home and clean out all the stuff I know they don't use and get rid of it. I can't even walk through their room, it's that bad, but they don't seem to mind one bit!

**MaryCarney** · 12-17-2009, 05:40 PM

Have her watch a couple of episodes of Hoarders on A&E (you can watch episodes online) Those people started out as children with the same problems. She might not get all the psychologocal ramifications, but the mess should be a wake up.
Also, my kids know that everything we have REALLY belongs to God, He lets us use it for our benefit, and as as soon as we're done using it, He wants us to pass it on to someone in need.

**2ndGenGranola** · 12-17-2009, 06:35 PM

Before I started throwing away stuff, I would explore to learn the reason she has this emotional attachment to it. You will not have true success until you get this issue resolved.

Does she know how her old clothes will look when it is time for her kids to wear them?? Maybe you can find someone with some 20-30 y/o stuff to "hand down" to her so she can learn it will not be the pretty stuff she has now.

If there is no true emotional problem and she just over personifies the items, play the "game" with her. She thinks it will feel "loved" having a home. Maybe you can teach her that it would feel more love if it were in its proper place. (Our bed is a wonderful place for us but the pet goldfish would not feel the same love and warmth sleeping in our bed as opposed to its cool water).

Deal with the emotional bond first THEN deal with the trash (if it is still there).

**lisaflex** · 12-17-2009, 06:58 PM

we have the same issue here.

we sometimes go thru it together. others, i just go in w/ a box and a garbage bag...the box gets filled w/ stuff i havent seen her use and goes to goodwill. mismatched, missing pieces, etc...get pitched!

**Shelli_wnj** · 12-17-2009, 07:59 PM

You all bring up good points. I need to get to the bottom of this, emotionally and physically :-) I will try tomorrow to see if I can ask a few questions to find out why she feels the need to keep it, why is there an attachment. Then I will let her choose what goes and what stays. I will explain the garbage is garbage, and the unused toys need to be loved by another kid. :-) You are all awesome. I will update and let you know how it goes.
Shellie

**mombottoo** · 12-18-2009, 09:22 AM

Kids pick up on our statements and feelings...we are always telling them not to waste stuff and how expensive things are, etc. so on and so forth.

I don't know if I am just super old fashioned or if things have really changed so much over the last 34 years that 6 year olds are now able to tell their parents what they are keeping. My grandson likes to collect rocks, feathers and other what nots...he keeps them here because he has 4 siblings that tend to get into his treasures. I gave him 2 shoe boxes...if it doesn't fit, he doesn't get to keep it unless he gets rid of something, period.

If her hanging onto things is a problem for you, then tell her she can help you pare it down...if she is unable to help you without throwing a fit, then tell her she can't help and do it yourself. Once my kids got to be teens, I just closed their bedroom doors if I didn't like looking at their clutter...so long as they weren't hoarding stuff that would draw bugs or rodents I was fine with it...if it got to the point that I was no longer fine with it, they'd come home from school one day & you could see their floor again. They didn't like it when that happened, so they generally kept their crap picked up & put away.

**Shelli_wnj** · 12-18-2009, 05:16 PM

Mary,
I watched an episode of Hoarders on my computer today. WOW! I didn't realize I was the source of my daughter's problems!!! My upstairs is perfectly livable. We have a downstairs that is not. My downstairs looked like this lady's living space. I thought I was "OK" because it's not where we live, but I am sending the same message to her.
I started de-cluttering my downstairs today. I will teach her through modeling. Once I have made some progress I will show it to her, maybe even have her help me (there is nothing dangerous down there.) Then we can work on her stuff. WoW! Thanks. :-)