Stepkids and money?

[basketoffun]

My husband and i have both been married once before and had terrible money situations. We have our debt and spending under control now and bills get paid on time and priorities are where they should be. HOWEVER, his ex wife spends money/credit like it is water, and maxes out everything, buying the kids whatever they want, taking them to concerts, etc... My husbands family is getting collection calls for her bills because she just shuts off her phone and ignores her bills. We are trying feverishly to teach the kids how to work for what they get and that money does not grow on trees. She makes just as much if not more than my husband and we have split custody of the kids so we have just as much monthly expenses for them as she does. He is paying her 240.00 a month in child support for their needs and gripes that its not enough. We could spend the 240.00 a month much wiser and the kids would be well taken care of. The kids make comments that we do not provide for what they need and that we should be buying school clothes, etc... we provide clothes, etc... that is within our budget for when they are here...we refuse to buy designer clothing, etc... she charges whatever they want and doesnt worry about the bill, what do we do to teach the kids that what she is doing is wrong, but most importantly, keep them from learning her irresponsible way of handling money...please help!

[frugalwarrior2]

I would try and explain that not paying your bills is stealing. That changing your phone number and shutting off the phone is dishonest. No core values are being taught in the home. Does anyone attend church. You need positive reinforcement and quickly. Habits are being and have been engrained.
How old are these kids?? Are they old enough to work?? We pay for a certain amt. and they pay the diff. We live in a rich area and find designer at our Salvation army and Goodwill. Also after hoilday clearances are away to go.

[Contrary Housewife]

My husband was in a similar situation with his ex for a while. He separated all their accounts and very clearly told any debt chasers who called here that he was no longer associated with her in any way.

As for the kids... when they visited we used the word "No" a lot, and told them if they wanted to buy something they needed to use their own money. They were a lot more careful with their allowance (from their mom) than their father's money.

[Greebo]

HOWEVER, his ex wife spends money/credit like it is water, and maxes out everything, buying the kids whatever they want, taking them to concerts, etc... My husbands family is getting collection calls for her bills because she just shuts off her phone and ignores her bills.

Is his name on any of her accounts? If so, he needs to get himself removed from those accounts immediately. Further, he IS liable for any accounts that have his name on them, divorce or no divorce. The divorce agreement may make it her responsibility, but that agreement cannot supersede the fact that he's ON the debt.

He is paying her 240.00 a month in child support for their needs and gripes that its not enough.

Sux to be her.

what do we do to teach the kids that what she is doing is wrong, but most importantly, keep them from learning her irresponsible way of handling money...please help!

Just keep repeating the message and living by example. The kids will figure it out as they grow up.

[Kitten20]

I think you guys are doing great by setting a good example and modelling good money management. Unfortunately, there is only so much that you can do (especially when their mother is such a negative influence). They may not understand now, but I am sure they will look back later and realize what you were trying to do. I know that isn't much help.

How old are the kids? Are they able to work outside of the home, part-time? If not, I would implement a chore system and pay them a little something for chores done, so they learn how to work for their money. As far as designer clothes go, I would give them a set amount you are willing to pay for clothes and if they want to spend more than that, they can use their chore money. I'm sure once it's THEIR money they are spending, they will think twice about that $60 shirt or the $150 shoes!

[mombottoo]

Personally, I'd tell them "different strokes, for different folks"...in other words what their mother chooses to do & how she chooses to spend her money is her business...how you choose is your business.

I would point out to them that they have everything they need when they are with you...a roof over their heads, food in their bellies and clothing on their backs even if it's not designer clothing. Kids learn by example and hopefully yours & your dh's good example will in the end supercede her poor example.

[Josephhgoins]

I believe the ex-wife is trying to "win" the kids over. She may have some abandonment issues and wants to make sure the kids love her far more that you and your husband so that they never leave her.

The debt is just a side effect that she deals with in different ways. I bet she will be like this until she gets counseling.

You may want to try inviting her into your home for holidays and dinners. Maybe if you can make it feel like a family with 3 parents she won’t feel the need to try so hard.

Although it feels like you and your new husband are getting the short end of the stick the kids are really the ones that are losing. I am sure they see it as Mommy loves them more and the correct way to show love is to spend, spend and spend some more. This makes for spoiled children that do not know the value of a buck. When they get older and get out in the real world they get to learn some real hard lessons the hard way quickly.
I come from a very large family and have seen this happen a few times with different cousins. These are the cousins that borrow money and never have the money to repay but somehow have on $75.00 blue jeans.

Good luck with whatever you do!

[Greebo]

Some food for thought here:

The parent who badmouths their kids other parent the most loses in the long run.

[khaski]

I think it will take some time, like til when the kids are more mature, for them to appreciate your good, responsible example. In the meantime, keep re-iterating you do not spend $ you do not have....you don't mention their ages, are they old enough to sit down and take a peek at the monthly household expenses or budget? You really can't do much more than you're already doing, expect continue on and cross your fingers your example will rpevail- their Mom can't keep this up forever.

[savvy_sniper]

My step-daughter's mother is a spend/shopaholic and is in debt up to her ears. We flat out told her many times over the years that we just didn't have the money for X, Y, or Z. She got upset, but she got over it.

I did make a point of showing her things from time to time and saying things like, "Look what I got for $X at garage sale/thrift store/on sale/with a coupon/etc.!" It took a while, but she got the picture once she had a job and had to pay for things out of her own pocket.

THEN she started coming to me and asking for tips/tricks to save money! She did listen all those years.

[Missourimom]

Oh, how I remember those days and I thank the Lord my sd is grown now! Hang in there and don't give in.

[Luckybustert]

As frustrated as you may get with his ex's behavior, resist the urge to badmouth the kids' mother. If you do, you will alienate them and your message and good example will fall on deaf ears.

[basketoffun]

Thank you all so much for the responses! The kids at home with her yet are 12 and 8. Everything that we have read has said to keep the kids out of the middle, issues etc... so we don't know whether to let me in on that nuts and bolts of the money situation or not. I know that it is a "can't buy me love" situation, but try to explain that to a kids and it will mean nothing. The 8 year old's thinking is stuff=love, but my husband is getting more verbal with the 12 year old to make him understand that if they want a nice home like we live in and good food to eat, etc...designer anything does not fit in the equation, something's got to give...
We do shop at thrift stores, thats mainly where we get all of our clothes minus undies and shoes, or off the clearance racks.

We have a weekly chore chart that the kids rotate jobs on. We also have a reward system where they can double a chores values, get out of chores for a day, or get a dollar store goodie,etc... I think we are doing the best we can to teach the value of a dollar here, but I feel like it all goes out the window when they leave here.
Hopefully time will flush out the bad stuff and they'll see what we are talking about. I strongly believe that everyone's true colors shine through eventually.

One of my husbands other sons, just turned 18 and really listened to us on the money stuff and he has his own vehicles, pays insurance and is now a marine so we did something right I guess.

[pat in east texas]

You're doing everything right. Just keep on doing it.