How do you talk to a friend who has lost a child?

**ml2620** · 05-04-2010, 03:05 PM

I posted a few weeks ago about my friend whose only daughter was dying of cancer. Her daughter Holly passed two weeks ago, the funeral was last week.

I find I am having difficulty picking up the phone and calling or e-mailing now that the smoke has cleared from the funeral and she's getting back to life without cancer, or Holly. I just do not know what to say.

I know this is the case with lots of people, they drop out of your life after this kind of tragedy because they just don't know what to say. I don't want to be that kind of person, but I don't know what to say.

Any advice or insight?

**YankeeMom** · 05-04-2010, 03:16 PM

Just call her up the same way you would have before. I know it's different for a child, but I remember after my first husband died so many people just stopped talking to me because "they didn't know what to say".

You really don't have to "say" anything. Just call her up, ask her to go to lunch or just visit & talk (about whatever she wants to talk about). And don't be afraid to bring up her daughter.

**pat in east texas** · 05-04-2010, 03:25 PM

By all means, call now. Just letting her know you're thinking of her is enough. Believe me, Nobody knows what to say, but just be there for her.

**Ceashels** · 05-04-2010, 03:26 PM

"I've been keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and wanted to give you a hug. When can we get together for ___?"

**Libby** · 05-04-2010, 03:26 PM

Just be yourself...talk about the things you did before her daughter got sick and I agree with YM don't be afraid to talk about her daughter either. She was a part of your lives and shouldn't be shoved in a box never to be remembered again. The worst thing you can do is alienate her by keeping away out of your fears of hurting her more by bringing up the sad reality. I mean don't talk about her daughter non stop, if you prefer...let her bring it up first and go from there.

The first thing I noticed after my mother had died and the funeral stuff was over was how alone I felt...everyone was walking on egg shells around me and keeping their distance. That was more hurtful then dealing with the fact that my mother was gone.

Offer to stop in for a coffee and bring some baked goods, let her vent/ramble, help her to remember the good times or ask her to go for a walk or do something you two used to do and enjoyed. Getting her out helps take her mind off of her daughter if only for a few minutes. Its the lil things that she'll remember.

**frugalfoster** · 05-04-2010, 03:43 PM

This happened to me about 6 months ago....I had a client who lost her son to the war. It was splashed all over the paper, but I was in Hawaii at the time of the funeral....she came in several weeks later.... the effects of the loss were showing greatly....she walked in head down and not saying anything to anyone... I took a deep breath and said.... "There's not a single thing that I am going to be able to say to you that's going to make you feel any better today..you have had the absolute most painful thing happen to you and nothing can make that better...but I want you to know that I care...." She looked up at me and with tears in her eyes she replied, "Thank you so much for saying that...most people completely advoid the subject and me, because they have no idea what to say".
We went on from there....she talked...I made her laugh...and I didn't charge her for her hair...I told her that it was the only way I could make her feel a little bit better and I was happy to do it. She left that day, with her head held high and a smile on her face....it still brings tears to my eyes when I remember back.... if I could make her feel better if only for a couple of hours....it was all I could have asked for....

Be a friend....take her to lunch.....take her to a park....but mostly, take the time..... she needs you more than you will ever know....

**ttistin** · 05-04-2010, 04:02 PM

I know this is different then losing a child, but when I lost my mom all I wanted to do was talk about it. No one would talk to me about it though. I would say to just be there for her. Even if you did not say anything, just knowing you are there will help.

**Mom2-3** · 05-04-2010, 04:06 PM

I would call her up and be honest. Tell her that you don't know what to say or do as nothing can help, but you wanted to see her. Let her lead for a while. Definitely talk to her though.

So many times as soon as the "dust" clears, no one is around. That is the most painful part sometimes.

**fernykins** · 05-04-2010, 04:17 PM

I don't know what to say I do know I am sick of hearing sorry for your loss.It has been almost 2 months since I lost my son. His friends are the ones cheering me up they are not afriad to tell me what an awsome person he was. They have been there for me. Some of its long distance, thru facebook. I have to say be there for her make her smile and tell her its ok to be sad.
Fern

**Dancing Lotus** · 05-04-2010, 04:21 PM

Call her and don't wait too long. The longer you wait the harder it gets. Call and ask her to lunch. Let her lead the conversation.

QM · 05-04-2010, 04:31 PM

My suggestion is to just pick up the phone and ask her 'how she's doing and if she wants to get together for a coffee'. She probably needs another friend's shoulder to lean on. It's hard to be there when the times are tough I'm sure, but I'm you'd probably hope that your friends would do the same if it was the other way around. I don't think you'll have to do all the talking if that is what you're worried about.

**MakeADollarHollar** · 05-04-2010, 08:58 PM

Lot's of good responses here. Here's my 2 cents.

It's been a little over 20 years now. I lost my brother, my father lost his son. It was a freakish and horrible accident. Plastered in the paper for weeks because there was another boy involved, my brother's best friend, who held on as long as he could before he was finally Called Home.

It was a really weird time. The funeral dug out people I hadn't seen in years, same for my dad. People who promised to keep in touch but never did, even those who were close family friends. I'm sure they were in your same shoes. Not knowing what to say.

If I could offer any advice it would be to call. Just say, "Hey, I was thinking about you today and was wondering how you were doing." As the pain is still fresh you will probably get a non-specific answer. Don't ask her to meet for lunch or coffee but let her know you're available when she needs you. The reason I say this is because people did this to me and there was a few people I couldn't turn down. I felt obligated to go even though I didn't want to. I was such terrible company that I felt guilty over the whole thing and that just added to my heartbreak. Call on a regular basis but keep it short and sweet until she starts to open up. When she does...listen, listen, listen. This would be the time to bring up lunch or coffee and plan it the NEXT day if, possible, as things change daily when you're grieving. She may change her mind overnight as she's unsure of things and not quite ready to make committments yet. Once a date and time are set call her before hand to make sure she's still up for it. If she is, great. If not, allow her the space to reconsider and decline but keep checking on her regularly and letting her know you're available.

It's a tough call but she's your friend and you know her best. Call her, feel things out and let things play out in their natural way.

Hugs to you and your friend.

**frugalfoster** · 05-04-2010, 09:21 PM

Another thing....I have always noticed that grief is like a pebble thrown in the water.....when the waves are great...people tend to cluster around...when the waves get out aways....people tend to forget....most often, it is when the waves are out aways that that's when people most need the support ....unfortunately...a lot of people have forgotten by then....

**frugalfranny** · 05-05-2010, 01:02 AM

Originally Posted by frugalfoster

T

"There's not a single thing that I am going to be able to say to you that's going to make you feel any better today..you have had the absolute most painful thing happen to you and nothing can make that better...but I want you to know that I care...." She looked up at me and with tears in her eyes she replied, "Thank you so much for saying that...most people completely advoid the subject and me, because they have no idea what to say".

We went on from there....she talked...I made her laugh...

Be a friend....take her to lunch.....take her to a park....but mostly, take the time..... she needs you more than you will ever know....

Great point f-foster. I think you did a great thing and just telling her that you CARE is what she needed to hear....and be ALLOWED to cry if it happens. So often we think that we shouldn't cry.......that is sad in itself!

I also agree with 'don't wait too long'........if you don't know what to say..........say so...........but be there!! and be ready to listen if she is ready to talk. If not.........talk about other things. She is grieving.........but she also has to live so there are other things to talk about!!

**daughter of pearl** · 05-05-2010, 05:35 AM

Ask her what helps most...I'm sure she knows, and would probably welcome the chance to talk about her own process.

It's okay that you don't know what to say. No one does. Just being there is helpful.