Advice regarding a dear friend (breast cancer)

**rissimo** · 09-01-2010, 09:53 PM

Hello again. I have a dear friend who lost her sister in Jan. to breast cancer. She was really distraught as anyone would be. When I would see her at work she said she was doing fine, but then she lost 70 pounds, I found out that she is not eating or sleeping. Her and I talked and I told her that I was not going to let her do this to herself, her and I have been thru way too much together over the past 12 years. Things seemed to be getting better. Yesterday I found out that she is out on medical leave because she is just getting worse. She has lost more weight and she has been losing her hair. She is supposed to be going to the Dr. but she isn't and of course she is saying that she will be back at work next week, but unless she has been released by her doctors (ALL doctors) they will not let her come back.

I called her today to check on her and she sounded really out of it. When she answered the phone I started the conversation by saying " I have a dear close friend who is hurting really bad and she isn't communicating with me and knowing that she is hurting so much and trying to deal with this by herself is hurtng me and I don't know what to do." She just said I'm sorry. I told her that I would be over Saturday to spend some time with her and be there to hold her if she wanted to vent, scream cry etc....

She has family, but they are still greiving as well. She means way too much to me for me to just sit by and watch her do this to herself. Is there any ideas as to what I can do to help her besides just go over there and be there for her? Or do you think that is enough?

I have requested prayers for her this evening at church. And I am praying for her daily.

**Ceashels** · 09-01-2010, 10:28 PM

I hope she is able to get over this little bump so she can grieve more.... healthfully, for lack of a better term. I'm glad you are there for her. Hugs to you.

**Missy** · 09-01-2010, 11:45 PM

i'm glad you are there for her. if it were me, i'd be tempted to call her family and voice your concerns. But that's me.

**frugalfoster** · 09-02-2010, 12:42 AM

Losing a sibling is hard because it puts a mortality to your own life.... when you lose a parent..you semi expect to outlive them...but a sibling...well, you are not as prepared for it.

So how do you help???
All you can do is be there... bring food...send a card often...call...visit... let them know you care....
however....it will be their choice on how they handle their grief... everyone is different...emotional support and knowledgeable guidance is what she needs. A professional....most likely... try and get her to one if possible..and don't give up trying if she at first says no...be gentle...be kind...be comapssionate...but most of all be yourself...helping someone handle tis kind of grief can be taxing for you also. Remember you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink...

All you can really do is offer them a hand... pull them up...and try to dust them off..... it's up to them to walk....

**shoiji** · 09-02-2010, 12:18 PM

It sounds as if you are doing everything you can for her. She truly has a wonderful friend in you.

**Momto5RN** · 09-02-2010, 12:37 PM

are you 100% sure she is not having medical issues also ( wt loss- hair loss could = chemo ) and is just not telling anyone because they feel they have been upset enough

**pinetree** · 09-02-2010, 01:43 PM

It might help if she knows you are there for her. Sometimes if you can get them to talk, it helps them alot, but they won't talk until they are ready. She will thank you later for being there for her.

**rissimo** · 09-02-2010, 02:42 PM

I'm 99.9% sure. She is is supposed to be having blood work done either today or tomorrow to see why she is losing weight, she has been absolutely healthy up until her sister passed away. Her sister did not let anyone know anything about her cancer until it was way too late because she did not want to bother anyone with her problems. Pam (dear friend) imo is taking this so hard because she did not get to say good-bye and she is blaming herself because she feels that she could have maybe done something.

I know that everyone has to grieve in thier own way, but she has been keeping everything bottled up insided and it is just eating away at her and I know that cannot be healthy. I'm hoping that when I go over saturday that she will hopefully let everything out. And maybe I can talk her into going to get some "professional help". Cause work will not let her come back until she does.

She is a very private person and I am the only one outside of her family that she has let into her life and I feel so very honored that she has. I can't stand to see her this way. I know that I cannot give her the professional help that she may need, but I can sure offer her my sholder to cry on and just be there to listen to her if she needs to scream, yell, hit etc....

**fernykins** · 09-05-2010, 11:08 AM

She needs to talk about her sister. Remembering all the good times growing up. I bottle things up I know its not good but like so many people you don't want to be a bother or make other people as sad as you. Just be there. There is no set way for someone to grieve. My prayers are with her.
Fern

**frugalfranny** · 09-06-2010, 01:11 AM

Just be there for her. You are being a good friend for her to just 'lean on' if she wants to during this time. It is nice that you care and are willing to let her know.