How do you handle friends that spend like the Trumps?

**SarahElmore** · 12-08-2011, 05:59 AM

Have you ever had a friend/friends that as time went on and your friendship evolved they now want to pressure you into buying or spending your money- for their benefit?

I have a good friend but lately we go shopping, me I like to browse & leave with the attitude " I didn't see anything I needed or wanted that bad to purchase it." she started to say to me " you never buy anything" " you can afford it" " you deserve to spend your money you work hard for"...

And then for the cake topper.. For New Years she asked if we wanted to go out, we said sure.. Well her vision of New Years celebration is spending $200 per person to go to a black tie gala! I instantly got anxiety & annoyed.. My husband & I are just as happy to stay home & probably be in bed to watch the ball drop or sleeping before

I'm sad & frustrated, I'm starting to see a strain on my friendship. When we shop I say " I just like to look, it's not that I can't afford it, it's just I'm content with what I have".., and she had no response.

But see we are both nurses. I chose to work full time & save my money, with no cc debt. Where she chooses to work full time, then pick up a lot of overtime & spend spend spend with past credit card debt.

I don't know if she wants to go to a black tie gala to help make herself feel successful or high class.. But me I feel successful with money in the bank & my feet on the ground.

**Spirit Deer** · 12-08-2011, 09:28 AM

It's like people who are losing weight while their fat friends try to get them to overeat. Soooooo much going on in that scenario, and probably in yours too.

You can't succumb. Stay true to yourself.

Don't go shopping with her. There's a big difference between shopping for needed items and recreational shopping. Recreational shopping is the unlimited buffet to the weight loss example above. Why put yourself into a situation that's filled with temptation? Sooner or later you're going to do something you regret. Find some other activity to do with your friend. If that's all she wants to do, then it's not really a deep friendship anyway.

If you don't want to go to the $200 event, then don't. It's easy enough to make an excuse or even just tell the truth. You don't want to spend that much money. That's all you need to say. She can like it or not, but it's not her money after all. But remember it in the future and ask about the cost before you accept any invitation from her.

Good luck.

**shortstack** · 12-08-2011, 11:06 AM

Can you think of any activities you two can do together that doesn't include shopping? Maybe if you move the relationship out of a commercial setting it will improve.

**SarahElmore** · 12-08-2011, 11:19 AM

Thank you vey much! Yes I'm avoiding shopping now- I think walking our dogs & having coffee will be my suggestions.

Merry Christmas everyone

**frugal is fun** · 12-13-2011, 10:45 AM

I just had a friend say something very similar to me.

"the men" were talking about a snowmobiling trip for the families to take this year. I said I would love to but the money just isn't there this year. One of the wife's comments was well thats what credit cards are for and then you work your butt off to make the payments.

my response was "I don't live that way. I don't have an opportunity to make more money so my income is in my income. If I can't pay for it today, I don't do it". See looked at me like I had 3 heads.

**peanut** · 12-13-2011, 11:25 AM

I've seen this in some of my friends. Some of them I just don't do things with because it always costs money...like going out for lunch dates all the time. Why do women do that? I just avoid them like the plague.

I have a limited amount of funds to deal with and I see no point wasting it on food that makes me sick. Another good reason not to go I might add! though some of them are also disgusted by me being on this diet. *I* am relieved my stomach no longer hurts and my body no longer swells up like a balloon after eating!

At any rate, I think the answers you got to your dilemma are great, and I hope your efforts to redirect your friendship to a more positive footing works well for you.

**holtzyt** · 12-14-2011, 08:38 AM

Wow. I actually do have friends/family that choose to live this way. I'm not a big shopper, so I've never been in quite the same situation. However, I have been in the awkward position of being included on gifts that were bought for others without being asked to contribute money - and when those involved were confronted about it, they just quietly murmured "we know you don't have the money". This hurt us and was just plain rude. I did let them know, as politely as possible, that this wasn't acceptable. If we can contribute (or want to), we will. But we're not charity cases. "The road to hell is paved with good intentions......."

**khaski** · 12-14-2011, 09:30 AM

IMO, for what it's worth, these types of folks try to pressure YOU into their habits because it validates THEM and their behaviors. When you refuse to play along it just puts in their face how not everyone overshops and overspends. People don't like to get a glimmer of that truth, so they push for you to join their bad habits (it can't be wrong if their friends do it too, right?).

Re-directing your activities is a good idea! I have also used the 'I am not buying 'x' because I'd rather save the $ for 'y'' line' I won't buy that purse even though it's on sale, I'm saving for my next car or our family vacation next year etc.Doesn't cool down all the overspenders pressuring you, but does work with some.

Stick to your guns and remember- not only are you being true to yourself, you're setting a good example for her- it's just up to her to follow that example or not.

**krbshappy71** · 12-14-2011, 11:23 AM

I lost a huge chunk of my relationship with SIL due to this. But I was on a downward spiral of never ending debt and I knew I had to let her go. I miss her, I miss what I thought we had which I thought was more than spending money and lunches. I had to realize that it was all just a mirage. She found someone else to indulge her ways after I put a stop to it on my end.

We are still friends but we don't do anything together outside of family events like we used to. We truly care for each other and I still watch how her ways haven't changed, still listen to her fun stories of her going out with others shopping and lunch excursions.

I miss it. But it wasn't real. My life is real now and although I'm still digging out of my debt-mistakes I know that I am in control and wont let that happen again.

I confessed my feelings to her when it first started happening and she just kept telling me sorry she didn't want to do any of the free or low-cost activities I was suggesting. She enjoyed/enjoys that life-style and it wont be changing.

On a positive note, we keep in touch through text, emails, and occasional phone, we see each other during the family birthdays and holidays and I feel much more real and in control of my life.

**melanies** · 12-14-2011, 12:01 PM

The thing about this is that when I've said that I didnt have the money thats what people usually respond "well, no one has the money". Some people expect it as a part of being social, especially at work. If you don't do it, you're a snob. If you tell them why, you think you're "better".

Then dealing with the constant requests to chip in for gifts etc etc. I mean, I care about what my coworkers think when it comes to whether or not they think I like them. Somehow if you aren't constantly spending either to go out to lunch or on gifts, people assume you dont like them or arent a part of the group. It gets really frustrating.

**Libby** · 12-14-2011, 12:16 PM

Originally Posted by SarahElmore

But me I feel successful with money in the bank & my feet on the ground.

Keep feeling that way!

Originally Posted by khaski

IMO, for what it's worth, these types of folks try to pressure YOU into their habits because it validates THEM and their behaviors. When you refuse to play along it just puts in their face how not everyone overshops and overspends. People don't like to get a glimmer of that truth, so they push for you to join their bad habits (it can't be wrong if their friends do it too, right?).

Re-directing your activities is a good idea! I have also used the 'I am not buying 'x' because I'd rather save the $ for 'y'' line' I won't buy that purse even though it's on sale, I'm saving for my next car or our family vacation next year etc.Doesn't cool down all the overspenders pressuring you, but does work with some.

Stick to your guns and remember- not only are you being true to yourself, you're setting a good example for her- it's just up to her to follow that example or not.

^^^^
Well said khaski.

--------------

Why not encourage her to go w/o or initiate a savings challenge - see how much one can 'save' within a month? OR Emphasize your desires for a simplistic thoughtful homemade gift vs a store bought gift instead?

I do agree though, try to focus your activities on non shopping. Encourage her to bake a treat to share when you both go to walk your dogs. She brings a homemade treat, you bring the homemade coffee/tea etc. Its frugal and you both are contributing something while getting your exercise.

Originally Posted by melanies

Then dealing with the constant requests to chip in for gifts etc etc. I mean, I care about what my coworkers think when it comes to whether or not they think I like them. Somehow if you aren't constantly spending either to go out to lunch or on gifts, people assume you dont like them or arent a part of the group. It gets really frustrating.

^^^
Sadly, some people do think like this

**larabelle** · 12-14-2011, 01:12 PM

I have friends like this...I realized that I was not going to change them...and they were not going to change ...so I just stopped shopping with them.

I found that when they would pressure me and I would relent and buy items at the end of the month when I tallied my savings I would get mad at myself.

**peanut** · 12-14-2011, 01:49 PM

Originally Posted by melanies

Somehow if you aren't constantly spending either to go out to lunch or on gifts, people assume you dont like them or arent a part of the group. It gets really frustrating.

Here they say "you aren't a team player". That's when I get mad. Because that's the sort of thing that ends up in a reference or response to a reference call. All it means is you would prefer your money went to you instead noon hour drinks for the office staff.

**bunnys** · 12-14-2011, 05:23 PM

I don't think you should ever do anything you don't want to do.

Especially if it's going to cost you $400.

But when you tell her "no" do not explain yourself by mentioning money or the cost or saving or frugality.

As with politics and religion, money is not a social topic.

**arnie** · 12-14-2011, 06:41 PM

I had a friend like that whose boyfriend has a very good income. They have a very nice house (their home is like a museum), and live what I consider a lavish lifestyle. I have become very uncomfortable with them because of their spending ways and have stopped associating with her.

I agree with the previous posters who stated that these people may be trying to validate themselves by pressuring you to spend as they do.
It doesnt work for me now that I learned and felt the rewards of saving money and ridding myself of debt. My peace of mind and being able to sleep at night is more valuable to me than a superficial relationship.
In fact, I rather have free time than have to work all the time to pay off purchases of things I really didnt need.