Moving in to together?
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  1. #1
    Registered User mmy2grls's Avatar
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    Default Moving in to together?

    Me and my girls live by ourselves and I do struggle time to time with bills, etc

    I've been seeing my boyfriend for awhile now. We're best friends and we get along perfectly and my kids like him. For the past month he's spent the night a few nights every week. He leaves for work at 4:30 am so my kids don't even know that he spent the night. He has been helping me with little bills here and there.

    My boyfriend wants to move in with us if my kids are okay with it. My kids love him and they invite him to join us in family stuff all the time. He makes a lot more money than I do and he's offered to pay the rent and half the bills so I would pay half the bills plus all the groceries. This way I would have more money to spend on my kids. Seems like a great deal especially since he would be paying all the rent.

    I can't think of any downsides to this arrangement and we've been talking about marriage eventually so this would be a good way to see how things would work out.

    It's just been me and my girls for so long that I can't remember what it is like to live with someone.

  2. #2
    Registered User Moor's Avatar
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    it seems like you have made up your heart, but not your mind. if you understand what i mean.

    take it day by day. have him spend the weekend, with the girls knowing, and see how that works. if it works out, then go from there. he should be able to understand that your girls come first. from the way that you have described him, he does.

    if you really want to move in that direction with him, have a sit down with him and talk things over. tell him what you have told us and see what his reaction is. you sound like you are scared of the commitment of having him live there, (in your mind) but your heart wants him there. so tell him that. it's always better to have open communication before, than hurtful, resentful feelings after.

  3. #3
    Registered User freebs's Avatar
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    Well if you think it will work out and you love him i say go for it!
    http://homesteddinmomsworld.blogspot.com

    Trying to be more self sufficient here on our farm!

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    Registered User ktsmama's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Moor View Post
    it seems like you have made up your heart, but not your mind. if you understand what i mean.

    take it day by day. have him spend the weekend, with the girls knowing, and see how that works. if it works out, then go from there. he should be able to understand that your girls come first. from the way that you have described him, he does.

    if you really want to move in that direction with him, have a sit down with him and talk things over. tell him what you have told us and see what his reaction is. you sound like you are scared of the commitment of having him live there, (in your mind) but your heart wants him there. so tell him that. it's always better to have open communication before, than hurtful, resentful feelings after.
    I agree with Moor.

    I think you should give it a "test drive" first.

    Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

  5. #5
    Registered User mmy2grls's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Moor View Post
    it seems like you have made up your heart, but not your mind. if you understand what i mean.

    take it day by day. have him spend the weekend, with the girls knowing, and see how that works. if it works out, then go from there. he should be able to understand that your girls come first. from the way that you have described him, he does.

    if you really want to move in that direction with him, have a sit down with him and talk things over. tell him what you have told us and see what his reaction is. you sound like you are scared of the commitment of having him live there, (in your mind) but your heart wants him there. so tell him that. it's always better to have open communication before, than hurtful, resentful feelings after.
    He knows about the horrible past relationships i've had so he's not pushy and he is understanding. I think it would be great to do a "trial" living together situation just to see how things go. It probably would be a good idea to have him stay over for a few days with my kids knowing it just to make sure they will be okay with it. We have good communication in out relationship and I need to make sure I continue to do that.

    Excellent advice, thank you

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    Registered User FrugalMomof3's Avatar
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    I also agree with a test drive.... let the girls see he has been staying over, and see how it goes from there.

    I think it's a great chance to see how things go before marriage, I say go for it if everything turns out ok with him staying over, best of luck.

  7. #7
    Registered User FrugalWitch's Avatar
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    I dunno. I'm old-fashioned enough to believe that if a man loves you enough to want to shack-up, he should love you enough to marry. Once you let them move in (which also teaches your children that such arrangements without marriage are just hunky-dory with you) what possible incentive does he have to actually marry? Did grandma not tell you about free milk and a cow?

    If none of that bothers you, if you can picture the future with your children just moving in with boyfriends and girlfriends and you being fine with it, OK whatever, it's your life.

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    Registered User geckoace's Avatar
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    i think a test drive would be good and make sure you talk to your kids about it and get their input so if they have concerns they can be addressed.
    it would also help you to establish some parenting groundrules with him in regards to your kids, sometimes otherwise loving/ good kids become resentful of a nonparent disciplining them, just get it out in the open,

    and keep a little nest egg for yoruselves just in case things dont work out and then when they do use it toward you wedding
    Reba

    When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.
    Franklin D. Roosevelt

  9. #9
    Registered User itsahumanzoo's Avatar
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    I agree with moor. I would talk to your girls about it first. Also how old are they? Just wondering how much explanation they would actually understand. It sounds like you have a good guy on your hands. Best of luck to you.

  10. #10
    Registered User Neeley's Avatar
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    If I remember correctly your daughters are rather young. I don't think young children can objectively say whether or not it is o.k. with them about moving someone into the home.

    I am somewhat old fashioned like FrugalWitch. I really think if it were just the two adults involved that would be one thing. However, there are two young and impressionable children involved. I feel like by moving in together you are sending them the wrong message.

    I get the feeling the money aspect is weighing heavily in your decision making. You made the comment that you would be able to spend more money on your girls if he moved in. There is a whole other thread gong on right now about spending money on children. While, I do love to spend money on my kids keep I have to always keep this in mind: It is not the amount of money you spend on your kids it is the amount of time you spend with them. Your children would rather have thirty minutes of quality time than a thirty dollar toy.

    Ultimately, it is your decision. You should do what you feel is the right thing to do. Good luck in making your choice. I hope it works out for everyone involved, especially your children.

    JMHO

  11. #11
    Registered User stinkbug's Avatar
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    Add me to the old fashioned crowd. I was in a very similar situation when I was with dh before we married. But then, I would not ever allow someone to *pay my little bills* and rent, etc. That was MY responsibility, and he knew how I felt about it. I don't know how long you've been with him (a few months?) but that kind of stuff just makes me unconfortable. I'm sure I'm in the minorty here.....so it's up to you. I was raising my kids on VERY little money, but we were getting by, just no luxeries. Believe me, my dh then made about 5 times what I did, but he has always said that's what he respected most about me. My commitment to do my best with what I had. We were together for two years (not sleeping over, etc) and the topic of moving in together never came up....at all. I (we) moved into his house after we got home from our honeymoon.
    Your milage may vary....and all that.
    Stinkbug


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  12. #12
    Registered User The Muse's Avatar
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    My parents divorced when I was 5. My mother initially had custody of my sister and me and eventually her boyfriend moved in. Things didn't workout and the boyfriend moved out.

    As a child, it was difficult to lose my father, then another male figure. I think there are more things to consider than finances and your feelings.

    100% Debt Free.... home, car & credit cards.
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  13. #13
    Registered User blitzen's Avatar
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    I'm not a 'wait and get married first' kind of gal. I would never consider marrying someone I hadn't lived with. (thinking about all the horrible habits my dad had that my mom put up with 17 years. *shudders* Nevermind the fact that he was a jerk and a compulsive gambler!)

    Anyway...it's a little bit different with children involved, and I think that whatever transition you all make, it should be slow and gradual.

  14. #14
    Registered User frugalandsimple's Avatar
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    Do whatever your heart tells you to do. I'm not a big believer on people shacking up before they're married especially if there is children involved. However, with the rising costs it takes to survive, it's understandable. Do what is best for yourself and your daughters.

  15. #15
    Registered User leezza's Avatar
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    I am in the "Old Fashioned" group also......

    *do you know this persons background? You could do some checking online.
    *do you know this persons family/friends?
    *are you considering this mostly because of money?
    *I think marriage is a much better idea where children are involved.
    *you would never want your children to believe that you chose a man over them, (I know how much you love them).
    *a man that respects you and your children would want the best for you and for them and that would be a commitment.

    Nothing I said was ment to hurt or upset you, just what I was thinking when I read your post.

    JMHO,
    leezza

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