Trouble in paradise.

**mommy4ever** · 10-02-2008, 09:19 AM

Not that it's trul paradise, or ever was, but it's been content.

For the last couple years, ds14 has been a little challenging. he's impulsive,and likes to sneak things. Mostly treats. A couple years ago we tried him on a flyer route and he started tossing the flyers out instead of deliver, he'd deliver 1/2. He got caught. He was grounded for quite awhile. He's admitted to sneaking change from the coin jar. IMO, a typical hormonal behavior, not right, but not unusual. Dh at every turn calls him a liar. DS missed the bus, and dh called him a liar, the full story is he was talking with a girl and missed the bus. It's non stop between the two. DS can't say a word without being told he's a liar, or calls bullsh*itter.

This week dd11 went downstairs and realized $5 was missing from her purse. Dh as Ds about it, and ds said he borrowed it. Now, had she not noticed, I'm not sure he'd be 100% he'd have paid her back. So he's in trouble. Dh came home last night asking what we're to do about him. I told him I"m not sure. What is did is wrong. Period. But dh reaction is so harsh all the time toward him. I mentioned that I felt we were being overly harsh in many instnaces, he asked what, I mentioned the bus incident, a dishes incident. And he freaked out on me. Told me it's not the same. I told him I realized it wasn't the same, but we have to consider everything. And have to pick the battles(the money incident is the right one to pick, not wanting to say he talked with a girl isn't). So he tantrums and says if he can't punish him he wants nothing to do with him anymore. He left the r oom.

Now, he's not speaking with me, beyond asking when certain activities were. *if* he gives me a kiss, it's cold, out of "duty". He's not speaking to ds14 either.

I have no idea how to break the silent treatment. He's wrong in his treatment of ds, you don't give a kid the silent treatment. It's not right.

We've been here before, ds was only 5 and dh was unrealistic about what he was capable of, and what was just being a little boy. We almost split up then.

Now, full background, ds isn't dh biological son, we met when he was 1yo, and we've been married almost 13 now, ds bio father has never shown an interest, never paid a dime. I have considered dh his father, not step.

I dont know what to do about either one. DS behavior wasn't acceptable with taking money without asking. But when he's harsh berated for the smallest thing, what do you do when it's big? He's an honor student at school, well liked by his teachers and peers(get letters from teachers). Friends parents like to have him over, he's a good boy overall. I'm not sure what's going on here.

I just don't know what to do. DH is not talking to me, or ds. He is stil talking to the girls.

I feel so stressed. I don't normally bring these things up in places like this. BUt I have no one to talk to. My parents are useless for these things, it's not their place regardless, I have no close girlfriends, too busy running a business, and the friends I do have, are common friends, so not cool. I feel sick over all of this.

**Darlene** · 10-02-2008, 10:57 AM

Well the name calling has to stop for starters & hubby is acting like a 5 year old who didn't get his way. Like you don't already know. That said the lying and stealing has to be dealt with too & I can see how he is a bit upset that to him it seems to him you are not "on his side". It's not that you aren't on his side, you just don't like the way he's handling it. I think you 2 could use some counseling to better learn to be a united team where discipline is concerned. It's a bonus that your son gets good grades etc but if hubby can't reel in his anger and the belittling, their relationship may never get better and your son may decide to really be the terrible kid he thinks his father compares him too.
All kids push the envelope and it's a tough time for a whole family. Like you said picking battles is important & lying and stealing should not be tolerated. Your husband acting like this isn't helping anything but may be the only way he deals. He needs to find a better way along with you as his teammate to deal with the big stuff sensibly and let the little stuff go.
Sorry, I know it's tough. Took me a long time to let my husband know that he is an authority figure but that doesn't mean you have to govern with an iron fist and acid tongue but could find other ways to get what you wanted by picking your battles and not always having to be "right".
If he won't go talk to someone with you, you go alone. If he keeps up this behavior it's abusive & you all don't need it.
Wishing you my best. :hug:

**pip** · 10-02-2008, 11:02 AM

I think Darlene has given you some good advice.

**nuisance26** · 10-02-2008, 11:03 AM

~I just don't know what to say. It's hard to believe a full grown man can be immature enough to bully his stepson by name calling and then give him the silent treatment. What kind of parenting did your dh have? Is it possible that the two of them are competing for your attention and testing you to see which of them you love more? Men start that kind of competitive behavior as infants. Hugs in the meantime. Hope you get some good advice from someone with experience.~

**nvmommyx6** · 10-02-2008, 11:08 AM

MAN do I ever know what your goin through!!!!!!!

Try this..... http://www.frugalvillage.com/forums/blogs/nvmommyx6/172-children-discipline.html
It works so incredibly well, our kids straightened their crap right out, and there is NO more yelling in this house, ever!!!

**mommy4ever** · 10-02-2008, 11:25 AM

Hi CJ, we've tried something like that, but it didn't work for us. There were tears if they lost a point, etc.

The kids as a whole are wonderful together. That isn't a problem.

We don't consider ourselves a blended family, ds doesn't remember dh ever not being there. We've been together almost the whole time.

Dh upbringing wasn't harsh, although he and his mother routinely got into screaming matches, according to her it was the only to get him to communicate. He had real temper issues, and has suffered depression issues in the past. But that has all been done since his early 20's, he's going to be 40 soon.

I don't know what this is about. He has been such a loving dad, and now with ds, and I tell dh, back off on somethings, he's a teen,he's in puberty. Dh grumbles there's no excuse. He's not in puberty(because ds is a small kid, 4'10 and 90 lbs at 14).

He's not even talking to me right now. I called him to call me at work so we can coordinate activities tonight, who's taking which child and he's not returning my call. I just feel sick right now.

Things have been sooooo good, and then the 2 guys have started to battle. I'm ready to move out I'm so frustrated. But that isn't hte answer at this point.

**Squirt** · 10-02-2008, 12:06 PM

I guess I don't know what it's like to be in your house because I don't live there, but I think that it is extremely important that this behavior be nipped in the bud every time it happens. I'm not talking about dh's behavior, I'm talking about your son's. Lying and stealing should never be tolerated. When a person gets away with it or gets more attention for it, it only encourages the behavior.

I live with a teenaged girl who does these things just next door. She is the granddaughter of the people I rent from. She will be sentenced in a few days for threatening via email to have a handicapped boy killed by one of her friends! She has bragged to other people here about beating one of our horses, has come into my apartment and stolen a pair of $300 spurs, and now that she's on "house arrest" until her sentencing, she breaks it constantly by lying about where she is or just blatantly ignoring the rules they set for her. The reason this child acts this way is because NO ONE has laid out and enforced any consequences for her. Everybody wants someone else to deal with the situation and no one wants to be the bad guy. To meet her, you wouldn't think she was a bad kid. She's pleasant and gets good grades. But she lives a life of no consequences. Here's an example: the girl is overweight, so her grandparents bought her a bike to ride (to me, that looks like she was rewarded for being obese!) They also offered her a CAR if she loses 50 pounds. The girl's life is full of cash and prizes, and, historically, she gets to take them if she doesn't earn them. Disgusting.

I'm sorry, but I agree with calling out a lie or punishing a child for wrongdoing. Your husband may be going overboard, but he feels alone in this and I'm sure he doesn't want his child to grow up thinking that these behaviors are okay. Please, go get counseling, have your child checked out too, and have a professional teach you and your husband how to present a united front so you can correct this behavior before there's money missing from wallets not belonging to your family. This is your son and he deserves to learn how to be a better person, and the people around you do not deserve to suffer from his behavior.

**joyofsix** · 10-02-2008, 01:05 PM

I may be married to your dh. Mine can be harsh, nasty, name-calling, etc.. but only with our sons???? I'm sorry and I know how hard this is. I guess all I have to offer is hugs.

**pop goes the weasel** · 10-02-2008, 01:20 PM

I ama going through something of the same thing only a 14 year old sd. She will not do a thing the way it is suppose to be done, puts dishes away wet or dirty, doesn't move things to vacumm ect.We live in the country too but she has very few chores to do. We have tried everything and she says she doesn't care that we took her allowance or priviledges from her. I know that this is a rough age but there has to be a happy medium somewhere. She has everyone thinking she's the greatest person on earth when she's actually rude and nasty to us. She went through a rough time with her mother, drugs and alchol ect and we got permanent custody of her. She talks to her mother maybe 15 minutes out of the year and thats it. We let her go to a football game with the instructions that she was to stay with the friends of ours that took her. But she didn't. Come to find out that some boy pushed her and she slapped him and the cops were called. That was that for going to the games.So if you find anything that works feel free to pm me or let us all know. We can't be the only ones out here that are having these problems.

**mommy4ever** · 10-02-2008, 02:27 PM

I'm sorry, but I agree with calling out a lie or punishing a child for wrongdoing. Your husband may be going overboard, but he feels alone in this and I'm sure he doesn't want his child to grow up thinking that these behaviors are okay. Please, go get counseling, have your child checked out too, and have a professional teach you and your husband how to present a united front so you can correct this behavior before there's money missing from wallets not belonging to your family. This is your son and he deserves to learn how to be a better person, and the people around you do not deserve to suffer from his behavior.

I don't disagree with calling him out for lying. But to accuse of lying at every turn, will for certain turn him into a full blown liar. It's uncalled for often. There is name calling occurring as well. It's not cool.

Late home from school. Why? Missed the bus. Full story he told me when I asked him later, blushing, he was talking to a girl, and missed the bus. He caught the very next one. Did he lie? I don't think he did. I think he was perhaps embarrassed. Dh harped on him for over an hour about lying. Perhaps he omitted some information, but it wasn't a lie. He didn't do anything wrong, but get distracted. Ds doesnt want to even speak at the table because dh will call him a liar, "You can bullsh*t and bullsh*tter" is said way to often.

I don' tlet him get away with it. We've done various things, revoked privileges of varying kinds. But it's not 100% effective.

I have to re-itterate he is a good kid. Very very rarely is he mouthy, he doesn't curse, he's respectful to adults, including us. He's never in trouble at school, or anyone else's house. and usually i have very little issue here. The typical not wanting to do chores, staying up too late. We all did that as teens. I"m sure most of us have felt deprived in our teens too, I know I was, and looking back our family really did go through poverty times.

I have no idea why he's come to sneaking stuff, it's impulse, he knows right from wrong, but can't seem to control it completely. I try to make sure he's got money in his wallet so he is never tempted to shoplift. But I can't supply him with an infinite supply of cash so there are days there's not much to go around. He's not deprived, but I don't feel he's horribly spoiled either, he's got some new gadgets, new clothes, a room of his own, food in his belly, activities he's allowed to participate in. So I don't know why that theft in the home occurs. And it's silly, he'll grab a cookie and not ask, not a big deal, he's 14, he can eat and often hungry, but he tries to hide that he took it. I don't keep much treats in the house anymore, he's too tempted. I don't like the kids to have lots of treats, but he really wants them if they are there and can't seem to ration himself. We aren't rich, but not poor, and can provide, so I don't know what it is. Some of it IS being a pubescent teen. I know some of that I did too. I'd sneak out to buy candy when mom said no. It happens, I expect it to happen. I just can get dh and ds together on this.

As a result of ds indiscretion, he has lost his stay at home alone privilege for a long time. This means if the timing isn't right, he can't do some of the extra things we do. So there ARE reprocussions.

This is just sooo hard to find the right balance. Somethings, you need to let go. Theft ISN'T one of them.

**mommy4ever** · 10-02-2008, 02:28 PM

anyway, thanks for letting me vent....this might belong in the parenting section, but i'm concerned with the relationship between the 2.

**leezza** · 10-02-2008, 02:58 PM

Mommy4ever,

I will say first sorry that you are having a rough time right now.

But here are my thoughts......I think it sounds like you are babying your son and picking his side over your husbands......(your man may be strict but since you have been together for 15 years this is not new). What seems to be very NEW is that your son is testing you both to see what will happen.......You are sticking up for him and your husband is standing alone as the inforcer of the house rules......would you put up with your son's behaviour no matter what????

JMHO,
leezza

**mommy4ever** · 10-02-2008, 03:10 PM

Leeza,

I'll have it said that I never disagree with dh infront of the kids. If dh imposes a discipline, it stands. Dh will have to be the one to "reduce the sentence" if he is the one to impose it, as it is if I impose it.

That said, in trying to have a resonable discussion with dh in how to deal with this kid of mine as what we have been doing, as it doesn't seem to be working, and it seems the only discussion is negative with ds, he flew off the handle and is now giving both ds and myself the silent treatment. This wasn't infront of the kids, it was a one on one conversation. I've NEVER contradicted him infront of the kids. I've didn't even say we had to do anything, I just commented that sometimes, things are a little harsh, and we do need to reward the positive stuff, because punishing the negative only, doesn't appear to be working. I suggested that somethings we might just have to let go, because there's not a day that goes by that ds isn't corrected for something, not matter how insignificant. he's at a difficult age, and we have to decide what is worth focussing on. Not telling us he missed the bus because he was talking with a girl, just missed the bus, isn't worth flipping out over. Rather than tell him he's lying, asking why would be a better approach.

And no, he's not always like that, we're both strict, but there's a difference between strict and harsh. ANd he's harsh with ds, but not the 3 girls. Never has with the girls.

I just get the feeling that this is a battle of testosterone between the two, and there's nothing much I can do about it.

I wish there was a happy medium.

**ktsmama** · 10-02-2008, 03:28 PM

Don't have any advice, but I am sending hugs and prayers your way.

**leezza** · 10-02-2008, 03:38 PM

Mommy4ever,

Ok....now I am getting a better picture of what you are talking about......

I am glad that you do a united front on things....that is great......

I had no brothers but I will tell you that my parents were tougher on me than they were with my 2 younger sisters.......could some of this be that it's tough being the oldest kid no matter whether it is a girl or a boy??? The things he has done wrong do you think the girls would be in trouble if they did them???

Have you tried at a good time between you and hubby to just ask him straight out what his thoughts are about things??? Maybe he is concerned that if he lets things slide that more things will happen. Maybe he is just doing the best he can and trying to make sure that your son turns into a good man.

I hope that you are able to work everything out and be a happy family once again.

leezza