Not wanting children = immaturity?

**lgw** · 12-01-2008, 06:03 PM

In another discussion, one of our members said her boyfriend is immature and selfish because he doesn't want children, and she wants him to change his attitude toward children before they marry.

I am a woman who never wanted children and thankfully found a wonderful husband who also was of the same mind. Never have I thought that I was immature or selfish for knowing what I wanted in my life. And I never would have married a man who wanted children, since it wasn't in my cards. I have know since a very young age (my early teenage years) that I absolutely did not want to have children, despite that it is not the "socially acceptable" life path to many.

So I'm curious about what others think. Are people who know they don't want children selfish and immature? Or are they mature and confident about how they want to live their lives?

**xtena** · 12-01-2008, 06:16 PM

I love children dearly and wish I had been able to have more than one. But I don't think there is anything wrong with you or anyone else for not wanting children. You are not 'immature and selfish' for choosing to not bring more children into this world. OTOH, there are plenty immature and selfish parents out there, like the deadbeat (expletive deleted) ex-husband of my parents' next door neighbor. This creep had something like 9 affairs in 10 years of marriage. He is currently unemployed; was kicked OUT of the National Guard; fired from an excellent civil service job on the nearby Marine Corps base, and is a year behind on his support payments and rarely shows up to visit his three kids. Oh, but he recently got a dog, and asked his ex wife to watch it AND his current girlfriend's dog for a few weeks. Talk about selfish, immature...and HE wanted to have more kids before his wife cottoned on to his infidelity and kicked his sorry butt out the door.

**FrugalMomof3** · 12-01-2008, 06:40 PM

I dont think NOT wanting children is selfish or immature. Some have to realize that not everyone wants children. If you are with a person who doesnt want children and you do, that is only going to cause many many long sleepless nights and fighting between you both.

My point.... make sure that you and your BF/GF wants (having children) are the same.... you can't just be compatible because you both like the same foods or share similar interests as when it all boils down to marriage and family that's where it matters the most.

**leezza** · 12-01-2008, 06:44 PM

There is nothing at all wrong with not wanting to have children......

As long as you are straight up with whomever you have a serious relationship with. No secrets, no maybe's.......and if the other person wants children and thinks that you will change your mind you have to be able to walk away!

JMHO,
leezza

**Missourimom** · 12-01-2008, 06:58 PM

If I wasn't so sick, I'd elaborate more, but no, I do not think it's immature at all not to want children. It just simply isn't a calling for some people.

**Contrary Housewife** · 12-01-2008, 07:10 PM

I agree, children aren't for everyone. I think knowing that before you get pregnant is in fact a sign of maturity. I can think of several young men I know who should have thought about it before it was too late.

IMO, the immature and selfish one is the GF who wants her BF to 'figure it out' before they get married. Dragging him to the altar is not going to turn him into the perfect father and husband. She needs to realize that and wake up to the fact that maybe this isn't the right guy for her if she wants kids and he does not.

**The Muse** · 12-01-2008, 08:20 PM

I'm on the same page as you with this. I've never wanted children, and I married someone who also didn't want children.

I think it takes maturity to buck convention on this. Many of us who have made the decision not to have children deal with rude and judgemental people as if it really matters to them whether or not we add another person to the world. I just don't see the "selfishness" in realizing that you don't want children rather than following the lifescript and being a lousy parent because of it.

Lack of tolerance and not understanding that not everyone wants the same thing is far more immature than admitting you don't want to follow the road most traveled.

To me, children are a fundamental issue in marriage. If you don't agree on this issue, you probably shouldn't get married.

**C@rol** · 12-01-2008, 08:35 PM

Most definitely not selfish or immature to make the decision not to have children. That's the great thing about this life, we're very fortunate to be able to make a choice.

I think it's a very responsible decision to make and maybe more people should go that route. If someone truly feels strongly about not having children there is nothing wrong with that. No one should try to force you to change your mind.

**Cricket1** · 12-01-2008, 08:37 PM

No--I don't think it's selfish and immature to not want children. I think that it is selfish and immature to have children, just to have them, regardless of how one's s.o. feels.

I think it takes an incredible amount of maturity to know that children are not for you and to stick to that.

**dschipman** · 12-01-2008, 08:43 PM

I have to agree with everyone else. It is is not selfish or immature. I found out at a very young age that I would not be able to have children, so I have never wanted any, my husband has not wanted any either. (even though he would make the best dad ever). The fact that this person would say this about their significant other just shows how immature and selfish they are.

**janelane** · 12-01-2008, 09:07 PM

Originally Posted by Contrary Housewife

IMO, the immature and selfish one is the GF who wants her BF to 'figure it out' before they get married. Dragging him to the altar is not going to turn him into the perfect father and husband. She needs to realize that and wake up to the fact that maybe this isn't the right guy for her if she wants kids and he does not.

Originally Posted by dschipman

The fact that this person would say this about their significant other just shows how immature and selfish they are.

I totally agree with the answers in this thread, especially these two points.

**MoonMommy** · 12-01-2008, 09:31 PM

We all don't have to live the same life style. I have two children, I would NEVER assume that everyone should want to have my life. I wouldn't want to have 17 kids. Does that make me selfish? I think it is wise to know what your own personal desires and limits are.

**rosey7415** · 12-02-2008, 08:26 AM

my own son and his fiance have decided not to have children. he had asked me if i minded not having any grandchildren. this was quite a while ago. i told him it was between the both of them and not to worry about our feelings.

i say whatever makes them happy. no one has the right to "judge" people's decisions on what they do with their lives. it is their choice.

**lgw** · 12-02-2008, 09:14 AM

Originally Posted by rosey7415

my own son and his fiance have decided not to have children. he had asked me if i minded not having any grandchildren. this was quite a while ago. i told him it was between the both of them and not to worry about our feelings.

i say whatever makes them happy. no one has the right to "judge" people's decisions on what they do with their lives. it is their choice.

Rosey, you sound like my mother! Years ago when I asked her if she was sad that she'd never be a grandparent, she said no, that I was her kid and whatever made me happy made her happy. And she loves being a grammy to her grandcats!

**phoeny_moonstar** · 12-02-2008, 09:23 AM

I don't think it's inmature of childish to havedecided that you do not want to bring a child into this world. Afterall it is a CHOICE not a requirement!!!