Teenage DD

**MomK** · 12-23-2008, 12:26 PM

I am at my wits' end! DD is so ungrateful. I feel like nothing I do and nothing we have is ever good enough. All her friends have no chores..blah, blah, blah.

The sad thing is, I think she's telling the truth about her friends' chores. I think their parents wait on them and kiss their b@tts day and night.

Well, I'm not going to do that. I think many of her friends are spoiled and lazy. I don't think their parents' are doing them any favors allowing them to have everything and do whatever they want.

DD has this way of trying to make me feel guilty about what we don't have or what I won't do for her.

I am about in tears. I have planned a surprise party for her and 12 of her friends for her birthday tonight (her b-day is actually on Christmas Eve). I asked her to pick up her room, and I get this sob story about how her friend doesn't have to pick up her room, blah, blah, blah. I want to scream, "Yeah, well, so-and-so doesn't have parents who will plan a surprise party for them. So-and-so can't have friends over, because her mom is afraid the house will get messed up."

**ladykemma2** · 12-23-2008, 12:35 PM

at this point i would quietly cancel the party for tonight. because you are angry and upset.

are chores connected to allowances, cell phone and priveleges?

**LastDragonfly** · 12-23-2008, 12:43 PM

I would keep the party on and let her be embarrassed. My mom actually did this once to me. I was so embarrassed, I know she was too, but she never let it show. My friends made little remarks about how I should pick up my room. One of my friends joked should I clean your room for your birthday? OMG. Now she is my bff and every year on my bd she calls and says, "what are you doing?"--I tell her I'm cleaning my room. Its a laugh, but it still smarts 30 years later.

Hugs hon

**nuisance26** · 12-23-2008, 12:45 PM

~I'm sorry you're upset because I know you're trying to a nice thing for someone who can't appreciate it yet because it's a surprise. I don't want to offend you but why did you ask her to clean up her room? So she wouldn't be embarrassed or you wouldn't be embarrassed?
I think that sometimes when parents dole out chores they enforce the idea of 'carrying your own weight'. It's a good idea but an even better one is to enforce an attitude of a servant's heart. That we take care of the needs of those we love. Work in itself is an act of love.
Hopefully she'll see the love you put into this party and it will be a lesson to her.~

**monkeywrangler71** · 12-23-2008, 12:57 PM

If you cancel the party you will feel like cr@p about it later. Just let it go.
When her friends see her filthy room the embarrassment will teach her more than any consequence you can impose.

**Laurie in Bradenton** · 12-23-2008, 01:53 PM

I agree go on with the party. Peer pressure and embrassemnet will always teach a harder lesson.
Let her live and learn. Remember some lessons are better learned the hardway.

Laurie in Bradenton (Mom to 15 year old Charlotte)

**YankeeMom** · 12-23-2008, 02:29 PM

My dd16 is going through a very selfish phase right now too. Hates having chores, really hates being told she needs to get a part time job to pay for all the extras she's wanting, hates having rules,

I just keep repeating "It's just a phase" so I don't go batty!

Oh, and I'll bet you her friends DO have chores and limits but it sounds cooler to tell their friends (your dd) that they don't

**LuvMyHubby** · 12-23-2008, 06:18 PM

I'd keep the party plans on. Seriously if she has no problem letting her friends see her room looking like a dive then why not. My bet is that in the end she will either suffiently pick it up so that is looks okay or she will get at least one comment about it. That is kind of on her.

I see that she is only 14 but if she is unhappy with the level of luxury that you are able to give her very soon she can get a part time job such as Micky D's or babysitting to fund her own luxuries. Your job is to keep a roof over her head, food, school and lots of love and if you cannot bestow upon her lots of stuff,you can't nor really should you. In my opinion they appreciate things a lot more if they have to work for at least some of it themselves.

**Debbie-cat** · 12-23-2008, 07:19 PM

I agree with alot of others, throw the party and let her be embarrased because her room looks awful. Peer pressure is better than parent pressure at that age.

**FrugalMomof3** · 12-23-2008, 07:46 PM

I agree to go on with the party however make it point to let her know that you are not so-and-so's mother. Explain to her how so-n-so will be dependent on her parents for everything even as she gets older.

No offense but my DH calls those kids the kids who still suck on mommies boobies. Sometimes it sure does seem like it, but then again I wouldn't know, my kids are very independant and know if they want something I can't afford or provide then they get a job to pay for it. Now your speaking about cleaning their room, if they don't do it I let the embarrasement of their friends seeing it, work it's magic.

**old_lady_in_the_shoe** · 12-23-2008, 08:05 PM

I too would go on with the party and let her be embarressed!
After the party, I would calmy explain, why you asked her to pick up her room and that you didn't want to ruin the party surprise. I would let her feel like the fool for a minute.

I have a 16 yo dd and so understand.

Good luck, and let us know how the party and "room" went.

**cab54** · 12-23-2008, 08:09 PM

I used to do the old "It must be awful to have parents who don't care about them."

Like when my sons didn't want to have to go to bed on a school night in HS (I mean they wanted to be able to stay up and on the computer all night!), and they would tell me their friends didn't have to go to bed........I'd say " It must be awful to be Nate (Brian, Adam) and have parents who don't care enough about him, to want them to be rested for school.........to want her to know how to clean her room and appreciate cleanliness.........to want them to be safe and not go to that concert in the worst part of town 150 miles away...........to have a curfew, so they know where they are after midnight.........etc.

**Grayce** · 12-23-2008, 08:57 PM

Honestly it seems like most teenagers are like this. She always has a friend whose parents treat them way better, do more for them and give them better stuff than I do. My DD thinks the world revolves around her, she does not appreciate whatever is done for her. I keep telling myself it's just a phase and she will grow out of it.

Her friends seeing her messy room at the party will be a funny story in the years to come.

**MomK** · 12-24-2008, 10:03 AM

Thanks, everyone. I went ahead with the party. She did clean her room (reluctantly), and we laughed about it later. She hugged me and said thanks for the party, the kids all had fun, etc.

I guess for me it became a power struggle where I was going to win because I'm the adult. I really didn't care about the room anymore. Anyway, it's clean--for now!

**Nana2two** · 01-28-2009, 10:04 PM

I tell you one thing there are some hatefull little snot bags out there I have 3 daughters myself, they tried to pull that stuff, so and so doesnt clean so and so doesnt have a curfew.Well your not so and so and you do. I make my 2 daughter 17 and 13 clean there rooms and they each have a chore. 1 takes the laundry downstairs out the bathroom 5 minute job, the other take the garbage out. Everyother weekend they have bathroom duty.My other one is married. I wish i had that easy when i was growing up.Kids are just spoiled and feel its there right not to have to do anything.