I’ve been thinking of leaving my husband (again). We’ve been married for 13 years, have 6 kids and 3 grandbabies between us and have a good name in the community. He’s a good provider, doesn’t drink or gamble, isn’t physically abusive. What’s the problem?? He’s just hateful.
When we got married in 1995... He was a single dad with 3 kids and I was a single mom with 3. We both had similar goals for raising kids. Neither one of us liked to party and enjoyed our time with our kids. He was in the military (full time national guardsman) and I had just passed my RN nursing boards. Each one of us could provide a comfortable life for our families on our own… IE: we didn’t “NEED” one another. But, we began to date and after a year, we married.
It became obvious real soon that, although we had some things in common, there were differences that would lead to marital problems. He’s a very strict, ritualistic, organized type of person…. I’m a lenient, laid-back, SHE. When it came to playtime with the kids… I thought fun was a day at the park, watching a video or playing games. He believes working in the garden, yard work or cleaning the barn are fun family time activities. When the work was done, he’d park in front of ESPN and that was that.
Anyhow, we realized that we were having some serious problems and got into marital counseling. He was really into that as long as the focus was on MY faults. When the counselor suggested individual counseling because we EACH had issues we needed to deal with… he decided that counseling was a worthless waste of time. I continued going for individual sessions for 3 more years. In that time, I realized that I couldn’t change him… I could only work on how I handled him.
After awhile his sarcasm, stomping and hollering became too much and I left (in Sept. 2001). By that point, it was just myself and my two youngest (my oldest was living with his father). Found a tiny house in a small community and we were happy. My husband began to email me… then we began to talk on the phone. He assured me that he had been working on his temper and mood swings. That he had been in “counseling” with a local minister that he golfed with. The whole courting thing began again and in Nov 2002... I moved back.
Now we’re back to where we were back then…. Only with more debt. Most of the time its silence except when he needs me to know something right then. We leave notes for each other to tell where we’ve gone, what we need from the store, etc…. when he comes home from work the first thing he does is a sarcastic “hmmm” as he walks through the door. There is no affection or intimacy at all… went nearly a year and he only gave in because I was packing a bag to leave. He has no interest in me at all. We only have one left at home and she’ll go off to college next year. I’ve tried to talk to him about how lonely I feel, but he puts it all back on me… “if you’d lose some weight, if you’d keep the house cleaner, if you’d … yada yada yada”.
Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m not perfect.. I have many faults. But it can’t all be me. When my daughter leaves… I’m not sure I’ll be able to handle not having anyone in my home talking to me. (sounds rather pathetic, doesn’t it?)
Our monthly bills are about $5700.… our monthly income is about $7500. My personal income is $2600 a month average. If I were to leave, I figured my potential bills would be about $3000. (I have no intention of just dumping all the bills on him.. that’s not right) I can easily get a 2nd part time job with a nursing agency or nursing home to bring in the extra I’ll need to make it… but…. Boyhowdie…. It’s gonna be tight.
Cady will be leaving in August…. I have 7 months to decide what I want to do….
Sorry for rambling on… it feels good to get it down somewhere…. Thanks for listening.
Jamie
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Last edited by fluttermuffin; 01-29-2009 at 10:20 AM.
I hope you feel better getting that out. Have you told all this to a councilor? Now, I'm just a 51&1/2 yr old housewife, but it sounds like he's checked out of the marriage. I think you should talk to a professional, and then decide. I applaud you for staying this long for the kids, but I bet they know everything thats gone on. Kids are good like that. I wish you the best and hope you find happiness. really.
I agree with Stacey. Sounds like he already has checked out of the marriage. I do not suggest divorce to anyone, however it comes to a point when you have to do what is right for you and what will make you happy. You only live one life....remember that. If you decide to leave ... take nvmommyx6's advice and save as much as you can.
Wishing you well as you take back your life & find a future bright with possibilities.
You deserve to be happy and loved, you don't have to settle.
__________________ ~*Darlene*~
Live Well~Laugh Often~Love Much
"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around." ~Leo Buscaglia
Last edited by Darlene; 01-29-2009 at 04:43 PM.
The Following User Says Thank You to Darlene For This Useful Post:
My heart goes out to you. Life is too short not to be happy. I know its really not that simple & I've not been in your situation. However, for me the scary part is in making the decision. After that I can focus on making my decision work no matter what. We are here to listen.
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I'll send a prayer your way. The hardest part for me was making the decision. After that, it was what it was and I moved forward a little at a time. Its not always easy, but for me it's significantly better.
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I agree with pretty much everything everyone has said. From the way you wrote about the situation, it sounds like you already know what you want to do.
Plan ahead as much as you can and start socking money away. Most areas have agencies that will help women get back on their feet, after leaving a relationship. Many of them require physical abuse in the relationship, but some of them don't! Some of them only require that you are in financial need after leaving a relationship. So, you might be able to find help while you need it to get back on your feet!
I wish you peace in whatever decision you make. You deserve to be happy and you deserve to be with someone who treats you with respect and can make you happy!
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[CENTER] Sarah
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"The best way to save money, is not to spend it!"
Wife to Patrick since 2000 Happy SAHM to Jake (8) & Josh (5)
I've been in a marriage like that before. He was controlling, manipulative and very bold about any faults that I had that were visible to him. When I pointed out things about him to him directly, he acted as if I was making everything up.
Well, that marriage is dead and gone. Nothing good came out of it at all. All I got was stress sickness, headaches and the wish that I could somehow get those two years of my life back.
I would suggest moving on. It's already evident that any work on the marriage in the past has done nothing good. There's no sense in trying to make it work when it just isn't ready to be made better. Of course he'll try to patch things up after you leave. However, going back again will only make you feel worse because it's the same old thing again. Your kids are all grown and such, so it would be easy to do it now.
I hope you find happiness in whatever you do.
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I think I'd rather be poor again....
I’ve been thinking of leaving my husband (again). We’ve been married for 13 years, have 6 kids and 3 grandbabies between us and have a good name in the community. He’s a good provider, doesn’t drink or gamble, isn’t physically abusive. What’s the problem?? He’s just hateful. 
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FIL 
We are here to listen.
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