Feelings Hurt
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Thread: Feelings Hurt

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    Registered User Marie78's Avatar
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    Unhappy Feelings Hurt

    My mom and I were never as close as my sister and her. I always felt less important. I always felt like my mom loved her more, I know that's terrible to say, but I felt it from an early age and it has always stung. It's really very obvious now that we are adults who she favors. I called her up this morning and she asked me what I was calling for (not mean, but in a I'm busy kind of way). I told her I was inviting her, my step dad, and Grandma over for dinner. She told me she was busy stripping wallpaper and painting an upstairs bedroom. I said okay and maybe next weekend (we live 45 minutes away from her).

    Well, then she tells me that her and my Grandma are visiting my sister in Connecticut next weekend (a 5-6 hour drive) then as an after thought she said that I can come too if I want. I am 17 weeks pregnant and car rides have not been my friend lately. I told her maybe another time... Then she tells me I should come over to her house today and strip wallpaper and paint "my bedroom." I have never lived in this house, she bought this house with my Step-dad when I was 23 years old. I have slept in the guest room that she calls mine, maybe 5 times in the last 8 years at Christmas time. I reminded her it's really her guest room (not my room) and that I am pregnant and really shouldn't be stripping old wall paper and painting, as the old dust/paint fumes could harm the baby. She blew me off, like I am just too over-protective. Duh, it's my baby and I have to protect it now and once it's born!

    I'm just hurt that she was too busy to come over for dinner, but she's not too busy to visit my sister for a whole weekend in another state. This is her 2nd visit to see my sister since my sister came home to visit at Christmas. My mom will travel several hours every month to see her, but she goes months without seeing me and I live only 45 minutes away. If I want any contact with my mom I have to go there and she never stops what she is doing to visit with me...usually she's busy with chores or a project on the house that she asks me to help with if I stop by. I won't play favorites like that and I won't allow one child to always feel like they are not as important to me. I guess new hurts remind me of the old hurts and it's like an open cut all over again. My Dh doesn't care, because he's glad they aren't coming over today, so he can relax. He doesn't see how hurt my feelings are and that hurts me too.

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    Moderator YankeeMom's Avatar
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    I'm so sorry your mom is so insensitive. Have you talked to her about how you feel? Maybe she doesn't even realize what she's doing?

    Some people are just too selfish to see beyond themselves. You can't change them. You can only change how you react to them.

    (((BIG HUGS)))

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    QM
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    I'm so sorry you feel this way. Is your sister older than you? I, too, have an older sister (2 years older) that I feel both my parents (especially my mom) favour over me. I have memories as a child of my mom and sister staying up late and laughing it up while I was in bed. Or of my mom and sister having a "deep" conversation in the den just the two of them, and when I walk in the room goes quiet and awkward.

    I've done my best (and am still doing my best) to let it slide off my back. I know that my mom loves us both but sadly shows it quite differently.

    I have two daughters (exactly the same space as my sister and I) and I vow to myself that I'll never let that happen. Favourtism hurts. Period. I've chosen to throw the hurt over my shoulder and never look back. Memories stay, but the future is vast. I don't expect things to change, but I chosen to not let it affect my present.
    Last edited by QM; 02-08-2009 at 04:34 PM.
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    Hugs, sweetie. I am so sorry you are going through that. I feel the same way about my mother and my brother. I just try and live my life and have as little contact with her as I can. I have 2 girls as well and I try not to show favoritism, we do everything together, though I give each of them alone time with me, things like getting pedis, watching a movie, we do as a threesome.

    HUGS!!!! Congrats on your new baby, sweetie.

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    Registered User Marie78's Avatar
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    Thank you Heather. I have talked to her in the past about how hurt I feel when she spends more time with my sister then me. She doesn't see it though and she only ever gets mad at me for bringing it up. I think that's why she invited me to go with her to Connecticut next weekend, she knew I wouldn't want to go and it was a safe way for her to feel like she was including me (without including me). I think she could tell that she had hurt my feelings, but for some reason she's okay with that.

    I've always felt she was very self absorbed, and I feel like I do this to myself. If I hadn't called her today and invited her over, she wouldn't have been able to say "no" and I would be fine right now. I only invite her over a few times a year and she usually doesn't come over. In fact, Dh is always okay with my inviting them for dinner, because they have never once come over. His reaction hurt me today, because I'm pregnant hormonal and I felt so dejected!! He was relieved they weren't coming and went to a friend's house.

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    In my family, I am not the favorite. It used to bug me. You know, it is their loss. I am a pretty cool person. I have friends who want to hang around with me because I am a fun person to be around. My family will never know that. **shrugging shoulders** Their loss...

    Do you need your mother for anything? If not, then call her and invite her to dinner every three months just to keep the line of communication open. Don't go visit her. Why make the effort if she isn't?
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    I don't have any words of advise, but you've always been so nice here - I just want to send hugs!
    Stacey

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    Moderator beks37's Avatar
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    I am the middle child of 3 and my sister is 2 years younger and my brother is 3 years older. Naturally I feel like the one left out or not shown favoritism to. I'm sorry that you are going through this. I understand how you are feeling.


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    Registered User Debbie-cat's Avatar
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    I am sorry you are going through this. Sending hugs.
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    Registered User jamie79's Avatar
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    Why dont you put your feelings out there for your mother and for your husband to see. Then how they react is on them

  11. #11
    QM
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    Quote Originally Posted by jamie79 View Post
    Why dont you put your feelings out there for your mother and for your husband to see. Then how they react is on them
    It sounds like she's already tried only to have her feelings hurt again. Personally, I wouldn't give them the benefit of hurting me again. The best thing you can do for yourself is love them as they are and move on with your own life. Really, that's all you can do.
    If you will live like no one else, later you can live like no one else.


    2014 Lose-A-Pound-A-Week Challenge
    1st goal of 138 lbs DONE!
    2nd goal will be 135 lbs
    3rd goal will be 133 lbs
    4th goal will be 130 lbs
    5th goal will be 128 lbs
    6th goal will be 126 lbs

    March No Spend Challenge 10/30 No Spend Days
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    Personal
    Pay off my Mortgage
    $68,182.21 (as of April 4th, 2014 - 6 years, 4 months)
    $73,670.29 (as of December 29th, 2013 - 7 years, 0 months left)
    $94,506.12 (as of December 21st, 2012 - 9 years, 2 months left)
    $108,631.38 (as of December 3rd, 2011 - 12 years, 7 months left)
    Pay off my Line of Credit#1 - General
    $9,285.48 (as of April 4th, 2014)
    $10,784.38 (as of December 20th, 2013)
    $20,330.65 (as of June 7th, 2013)
    Pay off My Line of Credit #2 - Van
    $------- (as of ...)
    $31,843.28 (as of April 4th, 2014)

    Winning at money is 80% behaviour and 20% head knowledge....Hey, if it were easy, every moron walking would be wealthy.
    ~Dave Ramsey

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    Registered User Michelle68's Avatar
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    I'm sorry you're feeling so sad. I can see how her show of favoritism would make you feel bad. I have never understood how a parent can treat a child like that and not see how it affects them. Sending ((hugs)) your way.
    Last edited by Michelle68; 02-08-2009 at 11:33 PM.
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    Here is a big hug for you and congratulations on your pregnancy.

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    Registered User angelbumpkin's Avatar
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    Felt you could use an extra hug.

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    Registered User MoonMommy's Avatar
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    It is a horrible feeling knowing that those that WE love the most, can also hurt us the most.

    I definately have a trying relationship with my mother. It can often drive me crazy. She is very needy and says horrible biting things to me. However, if I ever tell her about them, she says "I NEVER said that. You aren't remembering it right." So, I have learned that for me to have peace, I just have to either make a comment to her RIGHT away about how her words made me feel, or I just have to bite my tongue and complain to my hubby or dad (who both understand and have seen her in action). She also acts like a VERY jealous friend, ruining any time that I might have out away from her.

    What I have learned is that my mother isn't going to change. In fact, as she ages, she gets worse. So, I have to change how I act and react towards her if I am to keep my sanity. I have to be mindful of what she is going to do when I ask something.

    It isn't easy...and it does hurt. But....you are right in that as an adult and as a parent, you can look at YOUR mom's behavior and try your darndest to not repeat it. That is what I try to do.

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