Emotional Affair

**Mummy2** · 06-12-2009, 09:24 AM

I need a place to vent and voice myself where I know my family would never venture.

I think my Dh of 16months is having an emotional affair with a woman from back home, we live in the Caribbean she lives in Michigan,

I found out in a weird way too.
I went to try and take a picture of him and My son with his camera and pushed the messages button and up came "I miss You too" message, weird but we do live far away. Scroll down from my DH "Text only Plz" I was thinnking it was because its Sunday and thats Family day.

Monday rolls around and its my time to check our cell phone bill to see how much it will be at the end of the month ~ouch~.

I looked at his activity he has a habit of ordering games and such, nope its this same phone number, texting sending pics late at night and calling either when I am at work, sleeping or when he runs to the store. Were rarely apart when home and I'm a creature of habit. Lately he has been working from home though so there is more time apart.

DH is very posessive and has been for a long time so I'm not understanding why he is doing this now, I'm hoping its just him being homesick and stressed with his job.

I will just have to wait and see, on the bright side its not easy for him to run off into the sunset with this woman.

**ladykemma2** · 06-12-2009, 09:28 AM

an emotional affair hurts as much as a literal affair. i would guess that there is sexual acting out as well, with the late night photographs being exchanged.

keep your wits about you. don't think of the D-word yet. observe and gather information.

right now you're in the discovery phase which is almost a state of shock. no major decisions for 90 days.

if you are in houston i know several good counselors who address this problem.

i wanted to add: when my husband started his affair it started as an internet affair, then progressed. i knew instinctively but couldn't prove it.i suspect he was meeting them when on business trips.

**lgw** · 06-12-2009, 09:29 AM

Is this woman someone he used to date?

**Mummy2** · 06-12-2009, 09:46 AM

Wow you guys are fast!

This is my second time around being married, so yes I am definately taking this one step at a time and am in the gathering phase, kinda like stockpiling....

Yes she is someone he knew back home but I do not know if he dated her.

I am also waiting because he went off his antidepressants and just started back on them so before I ask him any questions or bring forth my knowledge of this woman I want to make sure his meds are working.

I just need to be patient and wait and see. But it still hurts knowing what he is doing.

**frugalwarrior** · 06-12-2009, 09:51 AM

I am sorry for your dilema. Have a similar one going. Recieved a call from someone stating she was my husbands girlfiend.Was I his sister? I said "yes" but then I said "which DH name were you looking for. SILENCE. I asked again, nothing then finally a hangup. Blocked number. Of course my husband hasn't a clue who it could be. He even called comcast but couldn't find out where the call was from. I've never caught him but I wouldn't be suprised. He keeps his phone and computer password locked. He's the techno person not me. I told him at least to respect me enough to tell her not to call our home. I thought she may have met him on a business trip. and knew his name but googled our phone number. She may have been silent because she got that I was the wife and she didn't know about one? Either way, I spend his good salary as I please and I need two more years for my kids to get out of the house. I didn't set it up this way,he did. It was kinda telling when he said where would I get the money when accused not I would never do that to you. He will give you clues if you listen.

**strezzed** · 06-12-2009, 09:54 AM

II have no advice, just sory you are going through this and

**ladykemma2** · 06-12-2009, 09:55 AM

they do give clues.

part of the problem when it was happening to me is that the clues didn't make sense until AFTER the psychiatric hospital made him tell me. they were half glimmers of sorta clues.

**Mummy2** · 06-12-2009, 10:06 AM

The clues will come, I already know where she works, what she looks like, work e-mail, oh and of course phone number.

DH is very protective of his cell but he will leave more clues.
The sad thing is I am not in the least bit afraid of being alone, been there, done that. Im am also the maine $$ maker and control all the $$ that comes into the house.

I just wish this didnt have to happen and really hope his meds kick in and he will be able to speak to me rationally in the near future.

I have been tempetd to call her and tell her to bugger off but she may have no clue.

I'm sorry about your situation ladykemma2.

**tammy88** · 06-12-2009, 10:08 AM

just wanted to say good luck with everything

**CrazyCat** · 06-12-2009, 10:11 AM

fw...start stockpiling..and I don't mean food.

Mummy2....start taking steps to protect yourself.

**Mummy2** · 06-12-2009, 10:22 AM

C.C. Thanks I'm trying to figure out which steps to take to protect myself and my kids besides the obvious. In time I will know. Im still shocked about this.

**MomToTwoBoys** · 06-12-2009, 10:32 AM

You're a lot more calm about this than I would be and I totally respect that. Not many women in your situation would be handling it in the manner that you are. I'd just give him some time to slip out some more hints and then I would sit down and simply say:

"I would appreciate it if you could give me a little more respect and have told me up front about what's going on before now."

See what his response is like. If he's trying to look the other way, his eyes aren't focused on you, his hands are wringing, etc, then you know for sure that he's hiding something. Once he acts like he either doesn't know what you're talking about or questions the reason why you bring it up, be completely honest with him. Tell him everything. I'd then ask him to call her while you're there and make a decision on what he wants. If he then continues with his behavior after the fact, show him the door. There's no reason that you need someone in your life that can't respect you enough to not put you in this situation in the first place.

**Mummy2** · 06-12-2009, 10:43 AM

MTTB- I have to be cool I have two of my own kids from my ex-husband and dont want them hurt.

DH came to my office this AM to get the bank card and I asked him why he was so snappy and acting weird, totally natural thing for me to say to him.

"Just stressed", I left it at that. He put on his "Straight" face

I find this very puzzling because he has been so adimant almost to the point of fanatical about people who cheat or stray from their wedding vows. I have been forbidden to speak to other men and the ones I have to work with he acts as if I would run off with them, no matter if they have wives and children.

Is this a case of "Do as I say, not as I do"?

MTTB- I too am from Canada, Toronto

**celina** · 06-12-2009, 10:51 AM

he's likely lying to himself far more than lying to you...he likely feels this is absoluletly ok...

my dh used to work with a girl (well this happened twice, at 2 diff jobs..) and the girl would confide in him all her troubles...and would fawn over me telling me how lucky i was to have a great guy like dh....etc...etc....i kept warning dh she had other motives he never believed me..

then one day he believed me.....i still don't know what happened, i'm guessing she made an advance and he panicked...she called our home at night, telling me she was going through a rough time...and needed to talk to her buddy..i told dh this was wrong..and looked at our kids..and gave him the phone....that was it...he cut everything off....(this was the second time..the first time wasnt quite as aggressive..but hindsight he notices now he's the good guy..the guy they run too...so he now avoids alot of personal talk with women at work..)

we're happy...i don't know what is going on with your dh...but he could be enjoying the attention and fooling himself into believing it's all ok....

wait till meds kick in..and talk to him...don't let it progress....if you want to fight for him...then do...

**lotsadebt** · 06-12-2009, 11:05 AM

Since he is on meds, is there another underlying problem like bipolar. When they are on a High or low they totally do things completly out of character. They are also very good at hiding it until their world starts crumbling down.
Been there done that with my Dh, now still picking up the pieces.