Can I please divorce my MOTHER!!!

**larabelle** · 06-25-2009, 04:12 PM

I just have to get this off my chest as you all will understand. None of my family members understand. By the way this is my biological parents and I look just like them so .........

The Good News: My Dad is turning the big #70 in October. We are all very grateful that he is in relatively good health and in his right mind. Anyway we were thinking of what to do for him of course we would all like to get together. He is in Kansas. I have five siblings and we are rather spread out Colorado, Kansas, Missouri and I am in Texas. I am the furthest away.

The not so Good News: I told my mother I was definitely planning on coming. In my spendthrift days I would not compare the cost of driving versus flying however now that I am seriously attempting to decrease my debts I am taking this into consideration. I informed my mother after checking the price of plane tickets, luggage fees, airport parking fees that I would be driving. She had a fit!!! She started into trying to tell me how I should spend my money i.e. I should fly not drive and that I made enough money to do so. I just saw "red" and told her "it is cheaper to drive and what difference did it make as long as I came" then I quickly got off the phone.

I hate to say this but I am so glad that I moved away from my familiy.

One of my major reasons for moving away was for similar incidents which she had done to me. When I lived within #3 hours distance of her one day she decided that I NEEDED a new television. I barely turn the stupid thing on but a couple times a year and that was because I would hear about an ice storm and wanted to see the highway conditions. I CAN NOT EVEN SIT THRU AN ENTIRE MOVIE...but she decided that I NEEDED A NEW TELEVISION!!! So she bought a brand new television and then told me that she was giving it to me ....but I had to pay her back half of the purchase price of the television. I DID NOT EVEN WANT THE BLASTED THING!!!!!!! My siblings made me feel so bad that I did reimburse her for half the purchase price of the stupid television which still sits in my house and I rarely turn on.

Then she offered to buy me a dining room table and chairs. I most graciously and adamantly and loudly told her NO THANK YOU!!! I can just imagine her buying the most expensive one on the show room store and then telling me that I had to pay 90% of the cost and she would pay the other 10%.

My Dad just goes along with whatever she says!!!!! She thinks I am nuts on being so focused on paying off my debts. She thinks my frugal ways are detestable. She says leftovers are garbage and should promptly be thrown out. She eats out on an almost every other day basis. She has several credit cards as well as a car loan which she makes payments on and she is #68 years old. Thank the Lord that their house is paid off but they have NOTHING in savings. She has a four bedroom house and has filled up three closets as well as the garage and basement with clothes and shoes and she is still purchasing clothes/shoes. She is at the mall every time there is a sale. She is about to finance remodeling her kitchen. Yes, I did say finance and yes she is #68 years old.

Now she has decided that I need to buy a large house so that when she comes to visit she will be more comfortable. She only comes to visit once every other year. I would be content with a two bedroom cottage...but she wants me to get a three bedroom with two to three baths and at least #2000 feet house. I listen to what she says in one ear and then I let it go out the other ear. She gets frustrated as I just repeat to her that the largest house I will ever buy will be #1200 feet. She gets extremely frustrated with me.

Sorry so long I just had to let that out!!! I feel a little better. Thank the Lord that I have my frugal village family!!!

**jamie79** · 06-25-2009, 04:17 PM

I can relate to living far away from family. Just let it roll of your back

**savvy_sniper** · 06-25-2009, 04:19 PM

Your mother is having trouble understanding that you are an adult and treating you as such. Moving away is probably the best thing you could have done for yourself.

Try not to let her upset you! By all means don't let her bully you into doing anything you don't want to do.

**miss_thrifty** · 06-25-2009, 04:45 PM

first of all huggss
it sounds like your mother has the wants (spending) problem. and she's trying to make u feel bad if u dont go along with her ways. always be yourself and nevr let anyone tell u otherwise. Id let it go in one ear and out the other.

**strezzed** · 06-25-2009, 05:39 PM

Hugs to you first off. Secondly, kudos to you for seeing the problems in the situation with your mother. Thirdly, congratulations for actually doing something about it! So many people see the issues but don't create actions to get out of bad situations. In the end, just know what you're doing is in your best interests.

**Siebrie** · 06-26-2009, 05:24 AM

My parents tried to do the same thing: they bought items for my home, without consulting me. (This is when I was single) I reminded them often that it was MY home, not their 'remodelling project'. Sometimes I would insist they take back what they brought into my home. They would never ask me to pay any part of what they bought, though.

What made it easier to accept is the realization that it mostly came from love. They wanted their daughter to be comfortable, to enjoy a little luxury and quality. In the end, they just had to accept that my home was the way I wanted it to be, luxury or not.

**vickilynn** · 06-26-2009, 08:43 AM

Sweetie, hugs, and prayers are going up for you today. In your sig line you say God is good and truly He is and He will be always. As someone said, let it roll off you back, you'll never change her. But God can give you the love and self control to "let it roll off your back" and be able to honor her.

Guess how I know?

**Greebo** · 06-26-2009, 08:55 AM

Book Recommendation: [ame="http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/B001AN8BAC/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1246020830&sr=8-3"]Boundaries[/ame]
Your mother has none, and you're used to letting her walk over yours if I'm reading your post correctly.
This book will help you set them for her, but more importantly, for yourself..

**frugalwarrior** · 06-26-2009, 09:08 AM

People put you in certain roles in life. It's who you are in her head. who she needs you to be. The perpetual child-. You don't have to accept this role. If she if 68, I am guessing you are in your 40's at least. If you let her change what you want to do or accept money or things you are agreeing. My shouldering in a lot of pain right now because my 80 year old dad wanted me to tip a 1000 pound tractor to get the oil out. I knew this wasn't logical but mom started to do it. The roots go deep. Sometimes like Lilly of the Valley. (this beautiful flower chokes everything around it out). I recommend the book "Boundries."

**FrugalMomof3** · 06-26-2009, 10:37 AM

Gosh I am sorry you are dealing with this. Time to put your foot down and put it down HARD and fast. Your not a child anymore and her treating you like one is absurd. You are frugal because you have a plan, which is different than hers. Seems she doesnt care about what your plans are but only cares about what "she" feels is best.

This will continue unless you tell her this has to end RIGHT NOW. As the poster mentioned above BOUNDARIES.

**larabelle** · 06-26-2009, 10:39 AM

Originally Posted by savvy_sniper

Your mother is having trouble understanding that you are an adult and treating you as such. Moving away is probably the best thing you could have done for yourself.

Yes, moving away was the BEST thing which I did. She continues to ride rough shod over my siblings.

**larabelle** · 06-26-2009, 10:41 AM

Originally Posted by FrugalMomof3

Gosh I am sorry you are dealing with this. Time to put your foot down and put it down HARD and fast. Your not a child anymore and her treating you like one is absurd. You are frugal because you have a plan, which is different than hers. Seems she doesnt care about what your plans are but only cares about what "she" feels is best.

This will continue unless you tell her this has to end RIGHT NOW. As the poster mentioned above BOUNDARIES.

Thanks for the validation. She tries to make me feel so guilty when I put my foot down.

**larabelle** · 06-26-2009, 10:42 AM

Originally Posted by Greebo

Book Recommendation: Boundaries
Your mother has none, and you're used to letting her walk over yours if I'm reading your post correctly.
This book will help you set them for her, but more importantly, for yourself..

Thanks I will definitely check out this book. I moved away from her in order to escape her control...although she attempts to reach out to me a full two states away.

**larabelle** · 06-26-2009, 10:44 AM

Originally Posted by frugalwarrior

The perpetual child-. You don't have to accept this role. If she if 68, I am guessing you are in your 40's at least. If you let her change what you want to do or accept money or things you are agreeing."

Yes I am in my 40's and yes she does still try to treat me like I am six although I have been living on my own - away from her since I was #17.

**larabelle** · 06-26-2009, 10:46 AM

Originally Posted by vickilynn

Sweetie, hugs, and prayers are going up for you today. In your sig line you say God is good and truly He is and He will be always. As someone said, let it roll off you back, you'll never change her. But God can give you the love and self control to "let it roll off your back" and be able to honor her.

Guess how I know?

Yes, I do need to make this a matter of prayer as I do want to honor her...but I also want to maintain/attain some boundaries with her.