Stuck in a loveless marriage
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  1. #1
    Registered User i.m.cheap's Avatar
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    Default Stuck in a loveless marriage

    I have been married for almost 14 years, and we have a 13 year old daughter. My husband is angry all the time. I am so tired of putting up with his angry outbursts. He even wakes up cussing because he has to go to work. He doesn't even work full-time. He works one job between 6-9 hours a week, and another one 18-20 hours a week). Just the fact that he has to work at a job he doesn't like makes him angry. He refuses to look for a different/better job.

    I work, but don't make nearly enough to support my daughter and myself. I am 47 years old, and find myself wondering how I ended up like this. Sometimes I wish I would just die, because I can't leave, and it is so hard to stay.
    Last edited by i.m.cheap; 07-25-2009 at 12:17 PM.

  2. #2
    Moderator baxjul's Avatar
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    Oh honey! (((Hugs))) to you. Is there any way that you could leave?


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    Registered User ilovechocolate's Avatar
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    Have you tried getting counseling? And if he won't go with you----go by yourself. You need to learn your worth as a person. And once you do, you can be strong enough to start figuring out what to do with the rest of your life. There are agencies and places that can help you and your child to a better life. You deserve it!

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    Quote Originally Posted by i.m.cheap View Post
    I have been married for almost 14 years, and we have a 13 year old daughter. My husband is angry all the time. I am so tired of putting up with his angry outbursts. He even wakes up cussing because he has to go to work. He doesn't even work full-time. He works one job between 6-9 hours a week, and another one 18-20 hours a week). Just the fact that he has to work at a job he doesn't like makes him angry. He refuses to look for a different/better job.sucks to be him. just wait til he has to support himself AND pay child support.

    I work, but don't make nearly enough to support my daughter and myself. I am 47 years old, and find myself wondering how I ended up like this. Sometimes I wish I would just die, because I can't leave, and it is so hard to stay.
    you leave when you are ready. why are you coping and tolerating?

    you have a way to support yourself?

    in the dim recesses of my mind, didn't you escape an abuser? and you're in another relationship with a bad man? hmmm, hon, it's time for professional counseling.
    baby step 2- see blog for actual amounts

    "stop being a victim, you are a perpetrator, taking things without paying for them is stealing, you are not a victim, you are a perpetrator. PAY THE PEOPLE YOU OWE, pray for the people you owe, and make it right. " hard nosed AA person, thumping his big book, addressed to me in AA meeting 7/30/2013

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    Registered User pollypurebred39's Avatar
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    Deb,

    This has reached crisis state if you are so miserable in this relationship that sometimes you wish you would die. Depression is VERY serious and must be taken seriously, even if that depression comes from a miserable marriage and not from a clinical state. First thing you've got to do is take care of you. You've got to see your family doctor about this depression and get something prescribed so you can function without having thoughts of death. I voice this only because I know EXACTLY what you are saying, I had a time in my life that I had thoughts of dying and would find myself thinking about drifting into oncoming traffic. Please take this wishing you were dead sometimes seriously.

    After you find yourself on an even keel you've got to figure out just how your going to manage this mess. You say you can't leave because you can't afford to, but how can you live like this? This situation sounds abusive to me and there is help out there. It does NOT have to be physical to be abuse.

    I'm not saying divorce your husband, I'm saying that you should put space between you, enough that maybe he will see that his actions and behaviors MUST change if he wants you in his life.

    http://www.abusedwomen.org/resources.html#general

    Please consider what I'm suggesting, I KNOW EXACTLY what you are going through and I made it out the other side. If I read this wrong I apologize, if not please seek help.

    Hugs,
    Polly
    Last edited by pollypurebred39; 07-25-2009 at 01:10 PM.

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    Registered User MaryCarney's Avatar
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    What caring and understanding people in this community. Please listen to what they have to say.

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    Registered User NewLeaf's Avatar
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    I've been through the same type of thing. I do love my dh but he is very hard to live with sometimes. His depression takes the form of irritability and it takes its toll on the whole family. It goes through cycles. I don't want to divorce, but when he gets like this I try to put space between us. I go to my Mom's to visit. Or I just go to bed early or even go into another room to read.

    I try to support him when he is having a hard time, but it gets me down sometimes. I really don't want to leave, but I find myself thinking about it. There is no abuse of me or the kids, but the irritable moodiness affects everyone.

    I don't have an answer except to put space between you any way and any time you can. If you can get counseling that would be helpful. You are in my prayers.

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    Registered User frugalfranny's Avatar
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    I am so sorry that you are having to go through this situation. Lots of good advice posted above...read it all and think about it.

    YOU can do nothing about your hub's anger...or the fact that he won't look for another job. That is HIS PROBLEM, not your's, but it is having an affect on all of you.

    You CAN do something about your situation. With his anger, you are in an abusive situation. Is this what you want for you and your child?

    Ask yourself.......Is this what I think I deserve? If not, what are you going to do about it?

    When you start ANY TYPE of action you will feel better, just knowing that you are 'moving' on the situation.

    I wish you the best of any outcome you pick.

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    Please, please do something for yourself and your daughter. You deserve better. If you continue to stay you are teaching your daughter what to accept in a relationship. Please continue to let us know what is going on so we can support you in whatever you choose.

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    Registered User gapeach's Avatar
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    I don't know what to say to comfort you, I can only send prayers and hugs

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    Registered User frugalfriend's Avatar
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    I hope you are able to get counseling together. He is miserable too from the way he is acting, and things could be so much better if you got marriage counseling together to help resolve things. I will be keeping you in my prayers.

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    Registered User Debbie-cat's Avatar
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    "Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.” Mahatma Gandhi


    You have this saying in your siggy. I think your answer is in there. Saying a prayer for you and your daughter. You can leave.
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    Registered User MommyBliss's Avatar
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    I am praying for you, but I also think you need to get counseling for yourself, it'll make a huge difference in how you live your life. Then encourage your hubby to join you, if he doesn't then at least you are taking steps for yourself.

  14. #14
    Registered User hwmabire3's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by i.m.cheap View Post
    My husband is angry all the time. I am so tired of putting up with his angry outbursts. He even wakes up cussing because he has to go to work.
    Hello my dear. I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. It sounds 100% like what I was going through the past 7 years with my husband. He was eventually diagnosed with clinical depression. He is the type who will have to take a pill every day for the rest of his life, but you know what...it has saved our marriage!

    I am not going to pretend like I know what is wrong with your husband, but I would suggest talking to him on one of his "good days" (if he ever has any) and scheduling a Dr. appointment. He doesn't even have to see a shrink or anything like that...just a regular family physician will do. If depression is the issue, they can give him medicine for it. I noticed a DRAMATIC difference in my husband after just a few days. He is on Effexor XR 150mg.

    If you would like to go the natural route(which I have done for myself after having a bout with postpartum depresison), St. John's Wort is an herb that you can get at any drug store, and it has been shown to treat depression about as well as the drugs to, except it's natural and there are less side effects. It's less expensive, too!

    There is one thing that is very important, though. You MUST take care of yourself. I know what it's like to live with someone like that...it ruins your day and feels like it is ruining your life. It is common for that sort of behavior to rub off on you.

    Please make sure you are taking your vitamins, getting at least 20 minutes of sunshine each day (VERY IMPORTANT) and try to exercise each day, too.

    I hope that this all works out for you, and if you have any questions or would like to talk further, just send me a PM and I will gladly answer.

    Remember: YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

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    Registered User Karen1's Avatar
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    Any update from the original poster?
    Are you finding a way to help yourself?

    just wondering, seems like such as sad post....I hope all is well

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