Question for the married women here.

**Surilda** · 07-31-2009, 09:20 PM

I realize that this question may be hard to answer, as you will have to think what you MIGHT have done.

You will need to think back to before you were married, when you were dating your husband and you had a solid relationship.

If you knew without a doubt that he loved you, and he was a good man and treated you well, would you have stayed with him if he didn't want to get married? You would not live together either.

Not because he didn't want to marry YOU, but because of a bad marriage/marriages, he was off on the idea of marriage.

Looking forward to your thoughts & reflections on this.

Thanks so much....

**Contrary Housewife** · 07-31-2009, 10:22 PM

Originally Posted by Surilda

would you have stayed with him if he didn't want to get married? You would not live together either.

I don't understand what you mean by "stay with him" and "not live together". Are you asking if I would continue to date a guy who says he loves me, but won't get married, and not move in together?

**MomToTwoBoys** · 07-31-2009, 10:24 PM

Originally Posted by Surilda

I realize that this question may be hard to answer, as you will have to think what you MIGHT have done.

You will need to think back to before you were married, when you were dating your husband and you had a solid relationship.

If you knew without a doubt that he loved you, and he was a good man and treated you well, would you have stayed with him if he didn't want to get married? You would not live together either.

Not because he didn't want to marry YOU, but because of a bad marriage/marriages, he was off on the idea of marriage.

Looking forward to your thoughts & reflections on this.

Thanks so much....

Well there's two types of love: you love someone in the way that you care about them, and you love them as if you can't stand being apart from them for one second.

If he loved me, but wasn't in love with me, I don't think I could put myself through that.

**nodmicks** · 07-31-2009, 10:25 PM

I might have if I knew 100% I didn't want children. However if I I did want children if he didn't want to offer the security of marriage knowing future kids would be involved I wouldn't stay.

Now having said that. My hubby wanted to get married for well over a year before I would even think of it. I had come out of a short but exteemly horrible marriage. I had to decide if I loved and trusted him enough to try it again. To be honest I was shaking in my boots when I said "I do"

When I was adamant I was not getting married again, if he had decided to walk it would have broke my heart but I would have understood it. Hope that makes sense.

I guess in my case it was "do I love this person enough to take a chance again? " Answer was a shaking in my boots yes and wow am I glad I did all these years later!

**CrazyHomemaker** · 07-31-2009, 10:33 PM

I can only say 'probably' on this answer.

I probably would have stayed with him. At least, until he showed his backside in the wrong manner. Way back then, I was very independent and got rid of some boyfriends 'just because'.

As a single person, I wouldn't live with anyone. I valued my privacy and freedom too much to be stuck like that. So, that was not an issue with me.

My DH actually had a bad first marriage, but he popped 'the question' not long after we dated. He must have known I was 'the one' for him. I knew he was a good man and would treat me well, so I said yes.

If your SO has the problem with marriage, it's his problem. Not yours. If he wants a relationship with you, it is both of you who will decide how to play this out. This is something only you can judge for yourself.

I wish you luck.

**strezzed** · 07-31-2009, 10:43 PM

No, I wouldn't have stayed with him if he wasn't willing to take a chance on me. It's a 2-way street. If I take a chance on him, he has to do the same.

**Luckybustert** · 07-31-2009, 10:54 PM

No I wouldn't be willing to stay with him under those circumstances. I'm not one to invest time and energy on someone who can't commit -- doesn't matter to me what their excuse is. Ok, so they've had a bad relationship at some point. If that bad relationship wasn't with me, then I don't think I should have to be the one to pay for it. And really I see this line as something said by men who want to have their cake and eat it too....in other words, keep us hanging on but be free to chase other women. No thank you.

**FrugalMomof3** · 07-31-2009, 11:08 PM

I have to agree, I would NOT have stayed with him. If you love someone to the point of wanting to be with them forever but no chance of marriage, I would not stay for the simple fact of, love is a 2 way street, if your willing to take a chance with him then he should do the same.

Come on, we've all had bad past relationships but that doesnt stop us from starting new ones, marriage is no exception.

**Jamielane** · 07-31-2009, 11:15 PM

I would not have stayed. I wanted a husband and traditional family life with children. If he could not make a commitment to me then I would have left. Eventually you have to move on with your life and stop letting a bad marriage that is in the past control the present. That is giving the ex way to much importance in their life still. I would not want to pay the price for someone elses mistakes or bad deeds by sacrificing the life I wanted.

**Surilda** · 07-31-2009, 11:31 PM

Contrary,
I guess I do mean dating, but not just where you are picked up to go to the movies or something.

I am talking more about where you spend all your time together except you sleep in different houses. You eat together, take vacations together; pretty much do everything together.

It was a bit hard to word this post, but I really wanted feedback.

Thanks to all of you who have answered.

**monkeywrangler71** · 08-01-2009, 12:33 AM

-----No-----

**Palooka** · 08-01-2009, 01:09 AM

I don't think so. I guess I wouldn't feel he was that serious about me.

**Contrary Housewife** · 08-01-2009, 01:10 AM

Surilda,

No, I would not have stayed in that kind of relationship.

When I met DH and we began to get to know each other it was expressly on the condition that we were looking for a lifetime partner. I was in a dead end relationship and wasn't looking for another one. So if he had "just wanted to be friends" that would have been the end of it right there.

In my younger years I might have gone for it, I really was not interested in marriage for a long time. But by the time DH came along I wanted to settle down and he was the right guy.

**Nishu** · 08-01-2009, 01:42 AM

I wuold not have a problem staying with someone who just didn't believe in marriage or just wasnt interested in the piece of paper, but I don't think I could stay with someone who shuns commitment because of trust issues or bad experiences. I would probably expect a clean slate when I start a relationship and not have to carry around the baggage of his past relationships.

So I'm going to say no.

**nuisance26** · 08-01-2009, 08:14 AM

~No, I would not stay with with someone who's values and goals did not align with mine.
I wouldn't truly be able to believe someone who said they loved me but judged our future together based on his experiences with other women. It would be like being punished for a crime I didn't commit and a very hurtful lack of trust. I would feel like he was holding back part of himself so that he flee quickly if the relationship got a little hard. I know I deserve better than that.~