can a marriage be saved....
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  1. #1
    Registered User ttistin's Avatar
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    Default can a marriage be saved....

    after one of them cheats?

    If someone in the marriage cheats and it only happened one time. says they want to work it out. Can it be saved?

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    Registered User Lora88's Avatar
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    Yes and it can even grow stronger. It all depends on the parties invovled how committed they are to saving the relationship and if thier personalites allow for forgiveness. Some people are so damaged by being cheated on that they can never let it go. When someone cheats it usually indicates something was either lacking in the relationship or in the person who cheated.One would have to work really hard to get past what has happened but it can be done and you can be better for it
    Married to Manny 25 years
    Self-employed with our own property management business E3 property solutions
    4 kids Rob Tom Jen Manny jr

    2 great inlaws Kelly and Jason

    a big bernese mt dog and a fluffy pomerian Loki and Foxy my fur babies

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    Registered User ttistin's Avatar
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    thank you for telling me that. i am still in shock and so hurt. but i love him and i know he loves me. we have been together 13 years, married 12. we never really put time into the two of us. it has always been the kids first and us last. we both realized we need to change that and make "us" first. i am trying really hard to believe him and what he is telling me about working on us. it is hard though. I just found out last night and i think i am still in shock.

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    Registered User frugalnana's Avatar
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    I hate to say this, but my dad cheated on my mom when I was about 9 or 10 and my mother did kick him out. But he was very remorseful and they dated for several months and worked on what issues they had. They have been married for 48 years now.
    So I think its up to you both. Just take some time to think and talk.

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    Registered User andrew's mom's Avatar
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    I agree with Lora88. Your marriage can be saved if once you have gone past the innital shock you are able to forgive him and also if he can work hard enough to gain your trust back. I have gone through something similar with a relative, not my spouse. I was able to forgive her after much time. She did get in touch with me wanting a relationship but I told her she will have to work hard to gain my trust back. It's not something that can be done overnight, but with patience and perseverence, it can be achieved.
    Have a conversation with yourself and see what you are honestly open and willing to do. Then go from there. Is your husband open to working on the marriage? It will take lots of work from both of you to get it done. I read somewhere this really good advice that said that when expressing your feelings one should use "I feel that..." instead of "You always....".
    My heart goes out to you. Stay strong and you will get through it.
    Many hugs.

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    Rude and Vile Master Greebo's Avatar
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    ttistin: First, I'm very sorry - and yes, I think there *is* hope. I think you know where the answer to finding that hope lies, too. The answer lies in what you said, and I think there's an important lesson here for all married couples. tistin said "we never really put time into the two of us. it has always been the kids first and us last. we both realized we need to change that and make "us" first"
    If you could kick in the pants the person responsible for your problems, you wouldn't be able to sit for a month.

    Did you know that a 4 year student paying $20,000/year who finances their education graduates with over $103,000 in debt to start? But a student who works and pays cash and takes 6 years to graduate ends with $6,300 in their pocket! So much for "getting a head start by financing!"


    Greebo
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    Registered User MaryCarney's Avatar
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    We were discussing forgiveness in Bible study last night. The thing that puts it all in perspective for me is how much God has forgiven us - how can we not forgive others?

    Until you forgive (and it may not be today, or even this week or this YEAR) but until you forgive, you cannot know peace within yourself.

    You are wise to see that you need to work on 'us'- you are in my prayers today!

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    Registered User vickilynn's Avatar
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    Absolutely! I've seen 3 marriages go through this issue during the past 2 years. And they are together better than ever. With man this is impossible but with God all things are possible!
    Praying for you and knowing you're going to be telling us wonderful stories of renewed love and trust!

  9. #9
    Registered User ttistin's Avatar
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    Thank you all for your kind words. I know it is going to be hard work, on both sides. I have been praying for strength on this. I can't sleep, can't eat. I haven't been able to really cry yet, i know it is on its way though. I keep shaking, i think I am still in shock over this.

    I am trying to be strong. I am trying to do everything I can to keep the kids out of it. They are just kids and do not need to have this put on them.

  10. #10
    Rude and Vile Master Greebo's Avatar
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    May I ask - aside from protecting the kids - what do you want?
    If you could kick in the pants the person responsible for your problems, you wouldn't be able to sit for a month.

    Did you know that a 4 year student paying $20,000/year who finances their education graduates with over $103,000 in debt to start? But a student who works and pays cash and takes 6 years to graduate ends with $6,300 in their pocket! So much for "getting a head start by financing!"


    Greebo
    (Nerd Spender): Loving and extremely patiently tolerated husband of ceashels.
    WARNING: Y Chromosome behind the keyboard. Adjust your listening filters appropriately!

    Three
    Two mortgages, two one no car loans, one no credit cards, and a partridge in pear tree!

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    Registered User ttistin's Avatar
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    the first thing that comes to mind when you ask that is to be happy.

  12. #12
    Rude and Vile Master Greebo's Avatar
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    That's an answer, but I think you don't need me to tell you that the next question is "what will make you happy?"
    If you could kick in the pants the person responsible for your problems, you wouldn't be able to sit for a month.

    Did you know that a 4 year student paying $20,000/year who finances their education graduates with over $103,000 in debt to start? But a student who works and pays cash and takes 6 years to graduate ends with $6,300 in their pocket! So much for "getting a head start by financing!"


    Greebo
    (Nerd Spender): Loving and extremely patiently tolerated husband of ceashels.
    WARNING: Y Chromosome behind the keyboard. Adjust your listening filters appropriately!

    Three
    Two mortgages, two one no car loans, one no credit cards, and a partridge in pear tree!

  13. #13
    Registered User ttistin's Avatar
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    I did not put that on there because right now I don't know for sure. I am still trying to figure this out.

  14. #14
    Rude and Vile Master Greebo's Avatar
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    Well, I'm by no means an expert, but I think you have a few decisions you will need to make. You're going to need time to make them, too.

    The first decision in my mind is - do you WANT to trust this man again? I'm not going to sugar coat this - he's broken your trust in just about the worst way possible. That's going to hurt for a long time. I don't think it's impossible for you him to re-earn that trust in time, but you have to decide whether or not that, and I don't expect you to know yet. It's going to take you time to figure that out.

    If you think you want this to work out, the two of you need to be in counseling immediately. You need to work with an expert to help the both of you come to understand why this happened, and what you two can do to make each other first as equals in your lives.

    I won't even begin to speculate on why this has happened - that's for you two and the counselor to work out. It could be for any number of reasons - none good, but some definitely worse than others. Personally, I think getting to the why - with professional help of a counselor - is something that has to happen *before* you make a decision about whether you will want to trust him again. If the cause is something both of you can fix in the relationship - that does not mean you have an obligation to trust him again, but I would see that as more favorable than if the cause were something really stupid and unthinking on his part.

    Whatever you decide - I hope you'll feel safe coming here for moral support. That took a lot of courage.
    If you could kick in the pants the person responsible for your problems, you wouldn't be able to sit for a month.

    Did you know that a 4 year student paying $20,000/year who finances their education graduates with over $103,000 in debt to start? But a student who works and pays cash and takes 6 years to graduate ends with $6,300 in their pocket! So much for "getting a head start by financing!"


    Greebo
    (Nerd Spender): Loving and extremely patiently tolerated husband of ceashels.
    WARNING: Y Chromosome behind the keyboard. Adjust your listening filters appropriately!

    Three
    Two mortgages, two one no car loans, one no credit cards, and a partridge in pear tree!

  15. #15
    Registered User ttistin's Avatar
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    we do not have insurance right now, we can not afford to pay for a counselor out of pocket. I do agree that it would be the best route but with no insurance I don't see us being able to right now.

    I did make it very clear to him that we have to talk. We have to be open with each other and more then anything honest. Even if it hurts.

    We made a decision that from now on after dinner we will sit down and talk. Not about the kids either, it will more then likely be about what is going on right now but eventually it needs to be about us. So we will sit in living room or at dinning room table, no tv, no computers. Just us.

    I am thinking about trying some exercises. I want to see about each of us writing down things we like/love about the other. maybe what we do not like about the other. What we feel is important. things like that, and then read it to the other person and talk about it.

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