What are your priorities in your relationship?

**Lora88** · 11-14-2009, 04:43 PM

I have always put the needs of my family before my own and honestly have not resented or regretted it. Many times the children had to come before my spouse but now that they are grown things are different I think everyone has to do what is right for them and that there is no set formula. Our marriage works for us and if it aint broke dont fix it

**nodmicks** · 11-14-2009, 07:47 PM

Originally Posted by Lora88

I have always put the needs of my family before my own and honestly have not resented or regretted it. Many times the children had to come before my spouse but now that they are grown things are different I think everyone has to do what is right for them and that there is no set formula. Our marriage works for us and if it aint broke dont fix it

This is pretty much the same for us also.

**frugalnana** · 11-18-2009, 04:48 PM

I agree with you somewhat putting yourself first, because if you don't take care of yourself and you don't know who you are and your kids leave the nest, you are truly lost. I didn't have dh's son at home he was grown, but dd and the other two boys, it was hard.
I thought now what do I do. The youngest who is getting ready to move out is a little easier. He's gone 90% of the time anyway, so dh and I have had to I guess re date each other. Its been fun. New experiences.
I do put God first, but dh does also, then us and then the rest of our family. Its taken a while to switch the last two. But it can change on a day to day basis also. If our kids need us we drop everything and go.
But I will say that when our kids started having kids we made it clear we would not be the babysitter. We love all our kids and our grandkids but if we babysat all the time then there would be no us. So we watch them for birthdays or other special occasions that they may need us and we have watched them when the babysitter has gotten sick. Plus they are here or we are there.

**cab54** · 12-02-2009, 03:09 PM

These are my thoughts about your post, Greebo.....

My kids ALWAYS came first. Before either DH or myself. If I had to do it over again, it would still be the same. That's why people shouldn't go willy-nilly into parenthood. It's a major 24/7/365 job. IF you do it right. I was determined to do it right. And judging from the two young men I raised, I'd say that was not a stupid ideology.

Now---I don't mean 'came first' in an overly-doting/spoiled/'hold-the-phone-my kid-is-talking' kind of way. That's just the point. I put time into making sure my boys understood respect for others. I also showed THEM respect. But they also had limits and punishments. Also, education was a biggie.

Basically, my dh put it best when he would tell the kids (rather tongue-in-cheek) "This is a benevolent dictatorship, not a democracy." That didn't mean they didn't have any input though. We supported their college studies/career choices. I couldn't be prouder of the men they turned out to be. Successful (meaning they like their work) AND just nice, caring, thoughtful, decent, appreciative, thankful, and hard working men.

To sum that part up, to me--if you bring a child into this world, you had better be prepared to RAISE them, not just let them grow up in your house. I devoted myself to that. I don't regret it a bit.

I also put a lot of effort into dh and our marriage. A LOT. Maybe that means I stretched myself too far sometimes, but I also don't regret it. We're still together after 32 years.(and dated 5 years before that).

Yeah, I put myself last. That was before. Now, dh and I are retired and the sons live across the country from us. We both have a bit more time for ourselves. And each other. This is what I deferred my gratification FOR. That--to me---is life. It's what some of us have to do. Or more correctly.....WANT to do.

I could never operate according to those guidelines, Greebo. Just me, I guess. But for some people I know--those are exactly right. (shrug)

**Greebo** · 12-02-2009, 03:32 PM

I think you misunderstand what I mean by not putting your kids first.

Fortunately...

Now---I don't mean 'came first' in an overly-doting/spoiled/'hold-the-phone-my kid-is-talking' kind of way. That's just the point. I put time into making sure my boys understood respect for others. I also showed THEM respect. But they also had limits and punishments. Also, education was a biggie.

Basically, my dh put it best when he would tell the kids (rather tongue-in-cheek) "This is a benevolent dictatorship, not a democracy." That didn't mean they didn't have any input though. We supported their college studies/career choices. I couldn't be prouder of the men they turned out to be. Successful (meaning they like their work) AND just nice, caring, thoughtful, decent, appreciative, thankful, and hard working men.

You applied it in practice.

**mombottoo** · 12-05-2009, 10:38 AM

I agree that in a relationship you should know your own wants/needs and take care of yourself first. But, for moms/wives and many dads/husbands that is not the easiest thing to do.

When our children were young and dependant upon us, our children came first in many ways. We chose to have them and it was our responsibility to care for them, love them and help them grow up to be hopefully responsible adults. We (meaning dh & I) had an understanding that in the event of an emergency (think house fire or car accident) the other was expected to help the kids out first!!!

Once the kids started to be able to fend for themselves, then we backed off. Even with the way we did things, we always found time for ourselves. Like you said, if you spend all of your time caring for children and take no time for yourselves you end up not knowing one another once the kids are gone. We didn't let that happen to us.

**Ceashels** · 05-24-2011, 04:21 PM

Another good post for new Villagers to think about and how it applies to their life and situation.

**Squidge** · 05-24-2011, 05:58 PM

Interesting question.

To me it's all about balance. I try to nurture and meet the needs of my SO (we have no children) without my doing so infringing on my own needs. We each have goals and values that we have an individual responsibility to recognise and communicate (no 'telepathy' expected in our relationship) and - as an item - we support each other in bringing these to fruition.

When a situation arises in which it is appropriate for me to sacrifice and compromise my own wants for my SO's needs then I know he would do the same for me, if it is important enough. In those instances, I try to be honest with myself and him about how 'okay' I really am with my decision, otherwise I believe that putting the needs of others before your own can be poisonous in a relationship if it ultimately results in resentment and may leave you unfulfilled.

**craftypam** · 05-24-2011, 06:13 PM

I think cab54 put it perfectly. There is never one order of who should be put first everyday.

**mndtrp** · 05-25-2011, 02:19 AM

Our premarital counseling put things in the same order as Greebo's (although not being Atheist, it did have God first), and I agree with those orders. It's difficult to talk about, because it's hard to conceptualize. Just because your spouse should come before your child, that doesn't mean you should neglect your child in any way.

**imagine** · 05-25-2011, 10:48 AM

I don't see them in a ranking order. They are interdependent.

Caring for others is caring for myself.
Caring for myself is caring for others.
Caring for our marriage is caring for our children.
Caring for our children is caring for our marriage.

I see it as a dance and not the "sometimes you lead sometime you follow" and "learn and you go" type of dance but more like a ballet. Well, the actual description is more detailed than just a ballet but only ballerinas tend to understand the detailed longer version.

**celina** · 05-26-2011, 04:18 PM

Originally Posted by andrew's mom

I agree in many respects. I do believe in a power greater than myself to help me through the rough spots of my life (it's not about religion but about spirituality).
I struggle with #3 but I know from my own family of origin how devastating putting your kids before oneself can be. I was an only child, my dad passed away 8 years ago and I was the center of my mom's life. I can see how lonely she is now. Even during the marriage she alienated herself from my dad and she put all her energy into me. It really crippled me for a long time and I am now making the long journey back to myself through recovery. BUT being a mother myself, I can see how difficult and tempting it is to take the same path. I can see her choices more clearly now and I can accept them and use them to learn from them.
I make a conscious effort to take care of myself first but there are times when it is very difficult. It helps I have a very loving and supportive partner who has been very patient. I am making my own way through life and I can see as much as I try to really help my kid, the only thing I can do for him is let him go. I will guide him and love him but let him make his own choices and walk his own path. The analogy that works best for me is the one of exercising. If you want to be healthy and in shape you must exercise every day (or most days). You can have a personal trainer but that person can't exercise for you. I can't live my kid's life for him, but I can support him and encourage him along the way. And that's good enough for me.

that is how it was in our home too..and that marriage failed...i but me and my husbands relationship ahead...and my kids don't suffer, they are thriving in a happy well adjusted home