Worst night tonight...please help.

**AnW819** · 12-14-2009, 12:11 AM

He is 27

Or wait...26? One of those.

**Luckybustert** · 12-14-2009, 01:22 AM

Close enough. Another thing I'll throw out there is to avoid the temptation to "mother" him. That can be very easy to do when you're the more responsible one in a relationship, but many men find that very smothering and will act out. Not saying it's a very smart reaction on their parts, but it happens. I also thought it sounded like depression could be a factor. Good luck to you - marriage is hard and takes a lot of work, but very worthwhile if you are able to hang in there and work through the problems.

**Russ** · 12-14-2009, 07:20 AM

Originally Posted by AnW819

We are really not having budgeting issues? Making a budget always works for us and we always stick with it. We have been saving for Christmas gifts, and $500 is with $15-$20 gifts and cookies for some people to. DH has a big family, and I have about 10 close family members. .

As financially unsound as you and the DH are right now, you are spending too much on Christmas IMO. I'm sure, given your finances and you both just got jobs, people would understand if you did not buy them anything.

Short story...
I used to work a ton of overtime about 20 years ago and on one of my bi-monthly checks I came home with over $1200.

3 days later...

I said to my now Ex-wife: "whats for dinner?"

Her response was: "I haven't been grocery shopping yet"

Me: Well, lets go grocery shopping and fill the pantry, we can spend a couple hundred and be well stocked.

Her: we can't.

Me: why not, I just got paid $1200 3 days ago.

Her: Theres not that much left. I paid a few utilities and then went Christmas shopping.

Me: What did you buy me for Christmas? I don't need anything so take whatever it is you bought me and lets go grocery shopping.

Her: I haven't bought you anything yet.

Me:

She had spent it on Aunts, Uncles, nephews Sis, BIL.. etc

Sorry Ashley, Your priorities, although admirable, are mixed up IMO. The same as my exwife. For heavens sake, less than a month ago you were worried about buying SHOES!!!!

**AnW819** · 12-14-2009, 11:22 AM

Yes, that was because I did not have a job yet. I can see how many of you think I should just not get gifts, but thats really not an option. My family is not like that, and my DHs family is not either. They will all take it as a wow, we got her this and that and she could not get us a gift. They know I have a job and I am living @ home. It just is not an option for us. If I did not have to buy gifts, trust me, that would be great...but I do.

Our current bills are paid right now, we have lots of food in the pantry (went last week), I need new pants but that is my xmas gift.

And the $500 is not going ALL the gifts. That is for wrapping paper and bows, traveling $ to get to DHs family, and $ for turkey. Our Christmas budget is $500.

**YankeeMom** · 12-14-2009, 11:37 AM

I have only read the first post so bear this in mind when reading my response....

I have sooo BTDT! My first husband did the SAME exact thing. It would take him forever to get a job, then he would get a low-end job (janitor or fast food for minimum wage) and complain that he 'didn't like the job' or 'should be making more money' or whatever. He would quit jobs before lining up a new one, he would complain day and night about having to work part-time while I worked full time to support us.

We DID have kids. I worked two jobs while pregnant with #2 because he would not/could not keep a job. Eventually he stopped quitting jobs (couldn't get unemployment that way) and started trying to get himself hurt on the job so he could get disability and not work. I actually found notes he made for himself on this plan!! Yes, he was damn lazy.

Don't get me wrong he was a good dad, just not a good provider. He never thought that his lack of work was hurting his family. As far as that, he only thought of himself. He never did change in the 10yrs we were together. We had three children together and he died 11 yrs ago this Christmas eve.

Just sharing my experience. You probably cannot get him to change. He doesn't seem to want to work. Or maybe, like my husband did, wants to start out at the top not work his way up to the top.

**MTS04** · 12-15-2009, 01:40 AM

Originally Posted by AnW819

I can see how many of you think I should just not get gifts, but thats really not an option. My family is not like that, and my DHs family is not either. They will all take it as a wow, we got her this and that and she could not get us a gift. They know I have a job and I am living @ home. It just is not an option for us. If I did not have to buy gifts, trust me, that would be great...but I do.

Ummm...Then what you're giving your family, isn't a gift, it's an obligation and you are holding yourself hostage with what others may think of you. Take your Christmas budget money, pay down your debt and gift from your heart instead of from percieved obligation.

I'm so sad for your situation. Your dad is giving you shelter and you're still trying to figure out how to make it on your own.

I hope 2010 brings you clarity.

**craftypam** · 12-15-2009, 08:16 AM

I was going to quote Greebo "motto of the male world" but I didn't want him getting testy and then I read your post. My dh is the same. Helps out before asking in all situations. I also am blessed!

**cab54** · 12-15-2009, 01:28 PM

PLEASE listen to YankeeMom. This type of guy rarely changes. Don't think for a minute that your DH is the ......maybe 1%.....that IS going to change. Either decide that you can live with him just as he is for the rest of your life or....I'm gonna say it.......get OUT! Sorry, I really am, but that's how I feel.

Also---my DH and I are both the oldests of BIG families. Back when we were first married and struggling , we suggested to our families that there be a DRAWING for Christmas. You know----he draws the name of one of his siblings, and you draw and have another's name for gift giving. Voila! Only two gifts to buy, not 6! Plus, of course, we got things for our parents and stuff..... Pretty soon all of your siblings on each side will be married too, and have kids, and THEN there will be a lot of gifts to buy! When we all started having kids, we doid a KID name-drawing, also. Another thing-----I don't spend as much on people as you do NOW, and we are older and have more money now. The average is $50 for our parents and $30 for our 'drawing' gifts. Often we will all go in on something bigger for the parents. Us AND all of our sibs. Just a thought.